After waiting since July for help with my anorexia, i finally am on my way to go get it, the waiting to go to the hospital in Belgium became to longe so we found it a little further away… Thx to my family, who founds this place. Normally i am the one that is always thinking out of Belgium 😉.
I am on the airplane to South Africa, looong flight so a lot of time to think. First of all i am thinking back about the last months. They were so hard for me, the exercising i made myself do, the controlling of my food. Eating this same healthy things over and over again, never allowing myself to eat something else i really like. To much caloriees… i was so afraid of calories again..i was weighing myself every single day to feel i have controll. I compensated, when i had the feeling i didn’t move a lot one day, i left some things in my controlled meals away so i definitely didn’ t gain a gram. I did this already so many times that i am became so good in controlling, very scary. I went down again , while waiting, from July till now, i became weak, felt my heart beating sometimes very fast. My bloodpressure was very low what made me easily dizzy. When i was driving i really had to focus. To have distraction i kept organizing a lot to rent out the house in Spain. It where awfull months where i was only controlling and working , being busy.
Luckely some friends i kept meeting up with in Spain gived me some sunny moments in the dark time. I am grateful to have already a network of friends in Spain. They are so sweet. Then i remember myself that i am not that a terrible person, i always make easily friends so something must be good… Realizing this little things of myself are helping me for the moment to not be angry on myself to much. I want to see this again, the good things about myself for the moment i only see the things i am ‘ to much’ . I am also angry because i ended my relationship last month, that i hurt this sweet man. That i should know myself better to not let that happen to him so he didn’t get hurt. But it hapend so i will need to accept this thing i did. I think we all choose things without realising what can happen when we go for that one choice. i think if you don’t try you also don’t know if it would be the good choice or not. You can only following your feelings you have on the moment of making the choice, and that time i jumped in the relation it was this what i wanted but things can change… That is the scary thing about choices to me, you don’t know the affect or endresult . If that choices hurt me i can handle but if it hurt others i feel very guilty. Because i am someone who always try to make people feel good, not hurt them! But i am learning again.. sometimes you need to think also for yourself and if it is not the same you want like other people want you can hurt them, unfortunately …
Like many other things i will need to learn to accept what i did , i will also need to learn how to accept things that hapend in the past that i didn’t like. That is why i go to this center in Capetown. It is a place specialized in eatingdisorders, i will have a team that will support me learn again how to deal with my feelings , going trough this and hopefully this time it wil leave, the anorexia, forever. I can’t say this now but at least i know i will get help to get stronger again. If this monster could leave me alone i would be so free.
I got sometimes scared of myself last month, not knowing where this controlling would end, what this monster would make me do more on his strongest moments when i am weak. I was so low in energy and energy makes me happy so i was not feeling happy anymore and had the feeling i just tried to survive… One thing that always will help me is nature, or maybe 2, nature and music. I had some little moments i was enjoying the sun, or the sea, ..maybe also a nice conversation but mostly on the moments i felt bad i was tired so i had not much energy for talking to much. I will go work again on making this little moments of joy big moments . I don’t say that i need to do big things to enjoy but i want to feel all this little things around me more again. And i want to have energy again to talk … to talk a lot to the people, i want to have that energy again i had when i went hiking and i walked in front very enthusiastic, talking a lot :).
Also i want to make yoga a big part of my life to keep me in balance. So i will keep listening to my body and my mind and be aware on time when things are going the wrong directions for me. All of this will start with going to this center.
I think it will be hard the first weeks. I have no idea what they will feed me but i have to trust them and eat what they give me. I will need to give my phone in the beginning and following the program like they will give it to me, i think phone will be for weekends only. Waking up, eating, therapies, eating, therapies ;). There were some rules to be admitted. First of all you have to want yourself to get the help over there, also you had to do a bloodcontroloodtest to see of you are medical stabil to go there. Another thing was your weight that couldn’t go under a certain point or you needed some medical paper. I did my best and i was allowed so here i am, on my way.
The program is at least 3 months so i will be living in the center in Capetown the coming months. The center is more like a house. A big house for 16 people. Shared rooms so you have some social control of eachother and maybe some support. I have no idea where i am flying into, but that fits with my lifestyle anyway. I always jump into things. But i was never so nervous to jump in another adventure like this one because this one is like jumping into my fears. I think this will be a new chapter in my life..full with new lessons.