Ready to fight

An update about my life. I am back home in spain now. Finally managed to get my residencia here, so i have a home again 😁.

On my eatingdisorder part i am not doing worse but also not that much better i think. Let’s say i keep it stable, actually that sounds  bad because it means i have totally control over it. My eatingdisorder is all about having control. So many nice things i don’t eat anymore because i doesn’t allow myself. I am so hard with myself for the moment. I try to keep loving myself so that i don’t go to far. I can’t work  on a relationship because i have to much work with myself. For the moment i am listening to myself as i can be already hard enough,  i need to stop thinking about others a bit so i also decided to ask for a break in my relation. Not that he takes a lot of me, he even gives me a lot, but i am like that that i also want to give a lot when i love people.

I adapt sometimes so much to othere because of what i think or feel i need to adapt depending on what others say or express. It might be right where i adapt myself to , when i feel somebody want something but also wrong than i just adapt because i think the other person wants something. Sounds probably a bit complicated. Anyway, the thing is that i forget to feel if it is always what i really want because i am to focused on others. Like i believe if it is what the other wants it is enough so slowly i lose myself in relations, all kind of relations. Adapting can be tiring that is another reason i also like to be on my own. For the moment i try to focus on what i want and to be able to do that i think i take a bit more distance from things close to me.

I discovered i have a big fear off attachment , even i like Birger a lot, it is to scary now to be in a relationship. When your eatingdisorder is poping up again,your fears are getting also stronger i think. Infact one of the reason why i am looking for control is because i lose myself in a relationship. And this has nothing to do with the other person. Birger is just the sweetest most understandable  and amazing person, but it is me, the longer we have a relation, the more the love grows, the more scary i get. We bought a house, have a relationship from about 2 years now, i think it is getting all very scary for my fear of attachment. I don’t like this part of me, maybe i get confrontated with that part now and that makes me nervous. So i want to work on it, i will do that when i go back to the center for earingdisorders, but i am still on the list sinds July.  For now, to not make it all not worser i decided to go back to my comfortzone, to what i know in life, being alone to feel a bit of rest because my eatingdisorder is like becoming a big enough challenge again. I created to much strange unhealthy habits again, i control again so hard without realising sometimes, that i wouldn’t be able to get out alone. Sometimes  it already came back again, sinds my 20s but never like now. I just need to have a bit of help to remind me how i can do this alone again in the futur when i feel it is coming back.

The past made me who i am. I lost my mother when i was 8, travelled a lot alone and became a very ‘independed’ person. I see that i can’ t change this suddenly now after all those years changing my life totally, i am so used to be alone now. So i decided to take step back, maybe i should start changing things a bit slower, but i am a very impulsive person so i jumped right into this adventure. I don’t regret anything of it because thx to my impulsivity we had this amazing 2 years together, we did so much, i learned so much about being with 2, about myself, about myself in relationship with others. We will need to see what will come next, how ready i will be to try and continue after i will go to the center where i am on the waitinglist . And also how he will continue his life waiting for something that maybe comes back or maybe he will be ready to continue. Luckily Birger is also my best friend and a person who is very open to try to understand everything  so i can still talk to him about everything even after what i am doing.

In one hand this is feeling releasing, being alone again for the moment, a lot of pressure i putted on myself  in a relationship that leaves  but on the other side i also feel the nice feelings i am pushing away sometimes . I had something beautiful and it is like i can’t keep it, like i will never manage to let people i love to get close to me and that is frustrating. Love is so beautiful, and i love to watch it, i also felt it already, it is beautiful but also ooo so scary to me. Another thing i learned myself, is to protect me is shutting down my feelings, i learned to be busy to not feel, the anorexia is helping with that because if your weight is getting low, i think you feel less, like you would drug yourself. At least that is my experience.

So next to the cancer i had or have i don’t know how to say that, i have anorexia and fear of attachment, :), yes i am a bit of a messed up person, but this also makes me sometimes feel i am a life, what is ‘normal’ right.

For the moment the talkes with my psychologist are the most helpfull ones i have. The anorexia became stronger, because it showed me i was not doing ok, i see it as a sign. That i have to stop doing what i am doing and take time to work on myself.

I see my anorexia as a little devil. A devil that loves to be alone with me. That is doing things without i even realise. That makes me confused and that loves to takes over controll about what i eat and sometimes what i do. He just forget that when he is there so strong and loud he makes himself visible to me so i slowly can see him better and better so i can try to get ride of him again because i don’t need a devil.

We worked hard the last year to prepare a house in Spain , so we can rent out rooms, like a business. I always wanted to start something after traveling, start something from myself so i get the feeling i could do something alone. I didn’t do it alone we did it together.  But i still feel i need to accomplish some things alone, really for me. We don’t  know what we will do now with us yet but anyway we will start the business and do it with a lot of love as there is no negative energy in the house even things are different now we still have good connection . Also we will have someone helping us managing the house of we are both not there, or if one of us is there he can welcome guests. Anywat it will be more a airbnb concept also or renting out the whole villa. For me it even feels like i will be able to be more myself again a bit now i changed some things and took my space to breath. Something very important to me to do for myself is going to get that yoga teacher training in Asia when i worked a bit more on myself.

Yess life can go in strange directions sometimes. But at the end all we want is to feel happy. I already got reaction i made a plan, start this airbnb business and i should continue now not change again and stay focused! But life doesn’t work like that, there are many roads and side roads to turn into. I am not a robot that complete missions. I try to be a bit more ‘robot’ and be less impulsive, but that is who i am. I feel i should do something, i do it and maybe afterwards new feelings are coming and i can’t ignore them so the plan i had changes and i maybe have to change things in my life or i should do new things while i am busy doing this. I can’t make a lifeplan and just stick to it even if i feel after a while maybe it wasn’t the best plan. If i try to not feel and just continue life, my anorexia pops up. I don’t like it but in one way it helps me to feel , because when it is there i have to stop my life and think if i am going the good direction, not the direction people think is good for me but the direction i feel good in. In the meanwhile  i hope many people will come to enjoy the house because it is to big to be empty 😁.  And the views and area are just spectaculare. I hope to go soon to the center for my eatingdisorder so i get a bit more stronger again with my motivation to go complete my yoga teacher training afterwards somewhere in the world..

Something i wrote after i was confrontated with myself:

Today i called with my psychologist and to be honest, i realised i am not doing ok. I told her i am slowly going lower in weight i think i am to far now to win against this devil. I start having sleeping problems again like in the past because my body needs more food. I wake up with a body that is so tired but i pull it outside the bed and i start every day again another busy day with lots of cleaning and every 2 days running included. My muscles are hurting sometimes because they need more energy but still i push and go trough the pain, i keep running and being busy. You can’t imagine how hard i can be with myself on these moments, how tired i sometimes start running, but then when it gets hard, you push trough the pain it feels like you are that far you dont feel it anymore, it even feels good and i can continue like it is nothing. After i feel great. I still eat but only 3 times a day, always almost the same kind of things. And when i look at myself i see how skinny i am and i think how ugly it is. This things i make myself do, it is not me anymore, it is the devil that took over. I have a lot of hairgrow like babyhair, blond, it is my body that protects me against cold, but i don’t like it. The waitinglist in the center is still very long i guess another 2months waiting at least, but i can’t wait anymore. We discussed some little things i should maybe add to my eatinghabits and maybe i will do this but i know i will compensait again in one way or another with moving or eating less on another moment when i feel i eated to much. After a while i do all this things automatically without thinking anymore. That is why, the faster you go out again the more easy to stop wrong habits and the automatically things. I am to far in the controll ,i can’t think clear enough anymore to fight this alone and chamge it and i know the longer I wait the harder it will gets to get ride of this monster. So even it is hard for me going back to Belgium and i want to stay home in Spain i think it is time to go… i can already start like daycare 3times a week in the center without sleeping there and i think i need to try it. Maybe if it works i will not need to go into the center anymore afterwards to stay there and i will be ready to travel. My motivation to finish this and get stronger again for the moment is that after, i can go to Asia to complete my yogateachertraining. I can’t go like this because it is intensive and i would lose to much weight again doing this also i don’t think i still have enough energy to follow this program waking up at 5 and going to bed at 10 being busy the whole day.

So now we prepared the house for renting i think i should start working on myself to get out of this again. So i can breath again, enjoy again, feel again, follow my dreams on my road to happiness, Probably the road will not be a straight line and i will go in many more turns and side roads, but i will not be focused on going to the end, the happiness, i will try to enjoy the way to get there again a bit more. I already experienced how it feels to get the news you have cancer, and that it spread out, well that was for me the closest moment to death. I even already took peace with death that time. But i am still here, knowing how fast everything can change or it can be over so i am ready to really live again and continue dreaming! And i would like to leave that devil in Belgium this time, so he never will comes back to me.

Because life can be beautiful
And i want to feel it again
In many different ways


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