Working on becoming the best version of ‘me’

(First part is maybe already from a good month ago)

beginning of August, after Mexico i went imidiately from the airport to the hospital in Belgium to do some tests. It scared me because even i felt bad, i came from a Caribean beach back to a lot of memories from my treatments last year. I was ready to leave 2 weeks later again.

The day after i could already go get the results. On my scans nothing new to see. I felt already much more happy and didn’t mind anymore being in the hospital. I only had to go get some iron trough an infuse in the one day hospital another day and start taking some suplements because after being so sick for a month my body was a bit weak. They didn’t find the problem in my stomach and i will go do a telescopic research in September when i am back from Nepal, to look inside my belly with some camera. The day i went to the hospital to get the iron i felt so happy with the thoughts that i am ‘healty’ for the moment in compair with last year. I was happy to see the nurse back, i was happy to see my family and friends back. I started liking Belgium more than i did before.

Maybe because i keep creating this nice moments when i am back. I was thinking a lot in Mexico and also back in Belgium, and i started realising things and seeing things. That i have a lot of work with myself, but that it will never get solved if i keep running away. I needed this travells, they teached me a lot about myself, others and the world. I don’t want to stop travelling but i don’t want to travell anymore to escape my problems. I want to solve them and only travel to explore and enjoy, also i want to move out of Belgium, i am sure of that now, but first i need to face my problems so i can have a fresh new start(maybe in Mexico). I want to find peace in myself and not always running away. i have to say, i went to the ‘Ardennen’ in Belgium with a camper and i had such a good time! I was there in nature with great company and everything we needed. So i started thinking that maybe in Belgium I don’t allow myself enough to do the things i like or maybe i don’t really know what things i really like there unless people show me.

After my eatingdisorder many years ago i started to become who i really want to be, but i started to become that person while travelling. Because i left after coming out of the hospital for that. So now, when i am back in Belgium i am always scared to become that ‘old’ me again. The one that got sick because she was totally lost. In other countries i feel like i am who i want to be and that i keep growing to become the better version of ‘me’.

I am not scared of travelling, i am a bit scared of making plans for the future and start having routine. Now i started making plans and i don’t understand why this scared me so much, there is nothing wrong with a plan, i think that it even gives some peace. Also i know that even a plan can change if it is not working out. The routine, i think i will never like to have it a lot, just in a few things, like brushing my teeth😂😉, and maybe some sport to become always better in hiking so i can go do crazy mountains later because i love hiking so much 😁. So after my next trip it will be time for a new chapter of my life.

In hospital they gived me iron in the one day hospital

and i need to start taking again Vitamine B 12, because if they see my bloodresults they connect this with the cancer.

but i realised that i was not always good with my body the last months. I lost weight again because i was so sick but also i had this periode abroad that i was controlling my food again, that my eatingdisorder was back without i realised. I am still a lot tired, i was always hidding myself after my chemotherapie from the last year but i think also if you just don’t weigh a lot you just don’t have a lot of energy neither because food gives energy. So i am a bit struggling sometimes if it is me that didn’t take care enough of myself the last months or i still get this problems from cancertreatments. I guess it will be a bit a mix.

I have some things in Belgium that i feel ready to work on, but i guess the most important and challenging will be working on myself.

Now i am in Nepal, i still decided to take this flight i already booked before going back to Belgium and i still decided to travel another month. I was not planning to do some trekking and told myself to take it easy after having this little problems with my health again. But once i was here i saw that Nepal is not a country to take it easy. Trekking, jungle safari combined with terrible roads so that means long terrible busrides if you want to see something. I arrived In busy and honestly, a bit dirty Kathmandu. I didn’t want to stay here to longue so i jumped on this terrible bus for 8h to some beautiful place with a lake where many trekkings starting. I walked by so many touroffices and couldn’t resist asking information about maybe a small hike?😃. I decided to do this trekking to ‘poonhill’, a trek with some beautiful landscapes on the way and some amazing views from some of the highest mountains here ,like 8200m high. i asked if this was only 3 days and not to hard, my answer i got everywhere was: yes, yes. So i chose a company that gived me a guide tongonwith me. they made my pictures and made my trekkingpass, next day i was ready to go.

The day i started trekking with my guide and we started talking, i realised that maybe this hike would be not that easy. It is a 3 to 5 day hike so most people do it a bit slower than 3 days, he explained me we had to hike like 8h a day, two days up up, one day down.

This experience was amazing, the views on the way were beautiful. We past villages were we eated fresh grown rice , we walked trough the ricefields, some kind of forest full with waterfalls and met this people with there goats or buffalos on our way, we arrived in cloudy villages in the evening and when we woke up and the sky was clear we had this amazing view of crazy high mountains😍! Also Crazy how much this mountainpeople walk ! If they need something they need to go down to some village to get it or if the animals need to eat they need to take them sometimes far. One day we walked like 10h!Now i now why Nepalian people say the hike is not hard, all of them looks like they are used to hike a lot because they need to if they want to go to some village. I talked with my guide on the way but also i was a lot in myself busy thinkig during hiking. Since then i started to feel more like an angry person. I enjoyed a lot the landscapes, really i was so amazed by this birds i never saw before or flowers i also never saw. When we were high up and the sun started shining on the grass it was so green! The sky looked like photoshoped blue. Or the trees in the forest were also so beautiful! I didn’t think that much on this moments and mostly in the evening i past down very tiredso also then i didn’t think that much but after this 3 days i felt like i got irritated so fast by things and since then i don’t sleep to well anymore.

I travelled after to Chitwan to go in the jungle to see wildlife. The way to get there was terrible again and longue! A baby trowed up on me and it was so hot. I only got more angry in myself. Once we where there and i toke a tuktuk to my hotel, pased some elephants on the way, i already felt more relaxed 😁. Maybe i was just very tired of the hiking. Anyway i decided to fly back to Kathamndu and not take that bus. But karma came to me: my flight had a delay of 4 h and i had to wait in this little room without aircon 😅.

Also on the airplane when i was ready to fly to Bali i had some struggles and i almost had to pay 35dollar a kg to pass my luggage because it was not included in my ticket. I started crying from anger and luckely i got some big discount thx to that 😃, there i started seeing the pro s from showing your emotions😉, as i normally never show them very good. I learned on my way that, when i am angry i always start crying.

When i arrived in Bali a driver was waiting me to bring me to the silent meditation i booked. I was a bit nervous and i was not sure if i would wave to the driver or ignore and don’t go 😃. I had some experience with vipasane silent retreat in a temple before and for me it was terrible. But i waved and he toke me to the retreat. He was very sweet and the views on the way where beautiful. The retreat is somewhere in the middle of Bali in a quiet place between the ricefields. Once i arrived i was so happy to be there, it was just what i needed on that moment. Heaven to me 😍. Some rest, physical and mentally. They had this planning, what would give me some routine so also some rest:

The food was all fresh grown in there garden and very healthy . They were so creative with the food and it tasted amazing every time! you had this beautiful bugalows that where open at one side do you had the view of the ‘jungle’. But to save some money i stayed in the shared dorm, that i also liked. The showers were open with the view of the ricefields. In fact things were simpel but they had all the luxury i needed, nature, clean bed and good food. I loved being surrounded by people but not having to speak for one time. This retreat was totally not scary like the silent retreat in the temples to me. It was cosy and warm.

You could join some walks in the fields or they brought you for free to some hotsprings where there is nobody. Also there was a library and cosy place to hang out. In the evening there was every day a fire where you could all sit around without speaking. You could write some sorry letters to trow in the fire. I didn’t know where to start with my letters 😃.

The place really felt like a ‘safe’ place to me. My sleepingproblem was immediately solved there. I slept like a baby, from when the sun went down at 7😃 untill 5 in the morning, for meditation. It was in the center of Bali so hot days but , very cold nights, we could sleep with this big blanket , i love that, without needing aircon, surrounded by all the noise of the animals😍.

I had a lot of time there to think and to get this irritation away. This was really an amazing experience and just what i needed on the right moment. But i was also realizing even if i come out of this retreat i will still have a lot of things to work on. Have so much feelings or emotions inside of me and it is like i don’t know how to get them out. This things are helping me seeing this but , for example the meditation was just sitting on hour in a circle without somebody guiding you. It is a retreat where you have to do the things by yourself. You got for example your bedsheets to make your own bed and your cutlery to eat so you can always do your own dishes, i liked that. But for some things i think i need some help for the moment. So if i go back to Belgium i will go from time to time back to my psychologist because i learned that asking for help is not always weak, some things are just hard to do all by yourself.

I also met some amazing new friends in the retreat. We talked about our lives and it was like everything wanted to do or give something. One girl wanted to pay me a massage, another gived me this little leather bag full with little things to travel in that she had with here, so sweet!

I met also a woman from Australia in the retreat that recommended me to try ‘sound healing’ in Ubud in some pyramids. So i listen to here advice and went there after relaxing at the beach for some days. The sound healing was pretty intense to me. We needed to lay down all together in the pyramid and do meditation on the sound of this gongs. First there was a woman leading us trough it for a few minutes. She told us to imagine we walked trough the woods and that we went laying down on the grass to take a rest. After that she stoped and started the noises. From then it was like i past all experiences from my past and the noise was very scary to me. It will maybe sound strange but i felt like my body was so heavy that it stayed laying down but i went up. After i needed some time to breath. The other girls told me how relaxing it felt for them. It showed me again that i have many things inside of me that needs to go out but again they didn’t, even i felt like crying during the meditation, I didn’t. Maybe I had to talk to the lady afterwards but also I didn’t 😬😃. I went eating with my friend afterwards and forgot a bit the experience.

after the lunch i booked this hike, waking up at 2am to drive to see the sunrise from on a vulcano. Even i told myself after Nepal i would take it more easy i needed this distraction after the intens pyramid experience to stop thinking to much. Do what i love to do, hiking. I woke up that night to go hiking on that volcano, the view was beautiful, but after coming from quiet Nepal, this hike was terrible to get to the top and easy 😃. So many people went up that you could not go as fast as you like. Anyway i met some sweet people again and i enjoyed watching sunrise, also that day i was to tired after going down to think so I had a relaxing lazy day.

I tried a massage today, it is a challenge to me to try to relax during massages as I don’t know my body anymore and i am not sure if they can push hard everywhere after all this surgeries. When she touched the arm from witch they removed the lymph nodes i already knew she shouldn’t continue massage that one because it could do more bad than good. So again the missions was not complete i was more worried than relaxed during the massage. I learned i should stop trying getting massages, only the head ones i like.

Tonight again i have this meditation in another place, where i stay for the moment. Because i am curious about what will come more out of this.

Again i stay at an amazing, and relaxing place here😍.

The sound meditation in this place was again interesting to me. I talked about it to my teacher afterwards, how i experienced it. He is balinese. We talked for more than one hour and he teached me so much about life. He is such a wise person. He told me also that i should do more breathing exercises because all is stuck inside of me and i can’t even breath like i should during the meditation. He has this experience with many western people he told me 😃. Also when I explained him that yoga is not really effective to me he answered that this is also typical western, everything need to be quickly done or solved otherwise it is not effective😄. So i guess i should keep trying and not give up again like i do many times.

Another great day in Bali🙏another stap closer to working on becoming the best version of myself😁.

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