Finding my place

I am back in Belgium. It feels so strange to be here with a plan of actually staying a little again. With strange maybe i mean scary.

But i am finding my way here. In fact it is easy, i just have to continue the things i liked abroad but here. So i am going every day to yoga and i meditate at least one time a day like 30min, i try twice. I really need this things. They make me feel like i go back to my safe space once in a while, my paradise where i can go sit in the grass and look at me and my thoughts ๐Ÿ˜‰(that’s my imaginations)Meditation helps me see that all things in my head are not really big struggles for the moment, it helps me to look at them from a ‘distance’.

And the yoga gives me energy. I always think i don’t have energy to start the day until after yoga, than i feel like i want to do so many things. It is a great feeling and i also appreciate it so much, it makes me realllly happy ๐Ÿ˜, i learned energy is one of the most important things in my life to be happy! i know what it is to have no energy, i think getting chemo is the best way to experience this! I experiences this ‘having zero energy sometimes’ for a year, and i know i am still not having it all back like before,so that makes the feeling even better when i have it ๐Ÿ˜. Also all this spiritual things helping me to accept i will just never have it all back and that i am a different person now, it helps to learn how to enjoy more relaxing things to.

Also for the moment the thing is, i am not doing to much ‘ useful’ things with all this new energy for the moment. So I applied again to become voluntary with the refugees, i want to be budy again and share this energy with people who having more struggles than me for the moment, this will even give me more energy๐Ÿ˜.

i am going to the kinesiology every 2 days again because i went one time and felt how bad i toke care of arm and neck after my surgery’s last year. Everything is stif and stuck, the feeling is even not totally back, so we are working on that. To be honest, it is a little confronting to be busy with my ‘scarfs’ , mentally and fysicaly from my cancertreatments. My way to deal with all of this is normally ignoring and not feeling. But when you meditate you can’t ignore all the feelings you have. And i learned that the ignoring is a great temporary solution. But on long term it is better to face your feelings and deal with them, work on that,let things go or let feelings be there. Even the sad ones, the angry ones. Trying to understand where they are coming from and do something with that solve or just try to accept.

This is not easy to do alone, looking to yourself and trying to deal with all this. It is possible, but as I don’t plan to stay in Belgium that long i prefer making the process going a bit faster(Typical western , everything need to go ‘ fast’๐Ÿ˜ƒ), so the time i am here i also seeing back my psychologist. I go already to see here from when i was in the hospital a few years ago with the anorexia. She knows me already very well i think and i love going to talk with here, every time after i have new things to work on or think about, things in didn’t see from myself. She helped me already a lot on my way of become the best version of ‘me’. Going to a psy is like standing in the mirror, she makes you see yourself and not only the things you want to see but all of it. That is good for me so on this moments i can’t ignore things like in my normal strategy ๐Ÿ˜ƒ. It can be tiring and sometimes also confrontating especially after a long time not going. So maybe the next months will not be the most easy ones but i need some new challenges anyway so i am ready๐Ÿ’ช.

In Bali i did some soundhealing meditation, after the lesson i talked a long time with my balinese practitioner. He told me it is very hard working with western people. Because they come to a retreat to find peace and solve problems. But they come to do a few days yoga and meditation and they want the problems to be solved or they want to see results from what they did. But it is not working like that. You need to continue doing all of this. And i am also like that, always want to have things done fast, like i will die tomorrow.

It is crazy how different i am now after having cancer. People around me maybe don’t notice this because i am a lot in places with people i just met ๐Ÿ˜ƒ, or when i am in Belgium with my friends, i still talk a lot i think. But i changed a lot, i am not always trying to meet new people anymore. I am seeing my friends but next to that i am totaly fine with being alone to, i read more and watch more documentaries, go walk more outside but alone. Before i always stayed in rooms with many people i was always talking to everyone, i needed that. I think it is harder now to find people to share ‘the same’ experiences with. I still love to meet people and i keep learning from everyone but i don’t have that need to much anymore to only learn from them. once in a while i keep meeting this interesting persons to of course ๐Ÿ˜. But also i like learning from books now for example.

About how i live with cancer, untill yesterday i was not thinking anymore about the question’when will i die’. But when i see a movie , a lot of time there is somebody in it who is going to die from cancer, like the one i saw yesterday. These are the moments i do just for a little.Then the person has metastase and is terminal(cancer that spread out) and die many times in the movies. I still can’t believe how i was like this people. Very short, like only a few months it was like i was terminal. I had metastases, but i got all treatments they could give me, they even removed all the tumors so now i felt back a bit into another stage because i don’t have metastase anymore. If i think about that now it is amazing! I live again and i don’t need to spend that life in hospital so far! I don’t understand how some people can’t have surgery to remove everything when they have metastases and only getting chemo to make there life as long as possible. It sounds not fair, at witch point do a doctor decide this? Why can’t they remove the tumors?at witch time in life the body can’t handle all of that anymore?This are things i for example think about now.

i also meet people sometimes who are telling me about family for example: ‘he or she was good again but then after a year of 2 it went down very fast, and they died’ that also makes me feel like that can still be me. It don’t scare me but it makes me always realise even more i should not worry about the way i live my life but keep enjoying it in the way i can or want and sometimes it pushes my to do them faster.

I am reading this book for the moment and that says: learn how to live and you know how to die. Learn how to die and you know how to live.

I totally understand this now! And i think i know how to die ๐Ÿ˜.

Otherwise i think i don’t worrie to much because how i think about it is: if i ever get something back it will not grow in one day, so i can do something about it when it would be still little, so if i just keep doing my checks everything is fine.

I don’t need to be busy with that anymore now, just getting my injections and doing my checks, i am busy with other stuff ๐Ÿ˜‰.

I am also doing some baristatraining this month and i am looking a but into moving to Mexico. Yess i would like to move around Januari but i don’t put a fixw date on that.

Untill then i am enjoying my time here! I want to catch up with all the people i love as much as i can inbetween the busy life here. I want to be there for the onces who will need me, the onces who were always there when i needed them. I don’t like when people don’t want to tell me all because they think i went trough something ‘worse’. Because to me there is no worse problems and less worse. It is about how you experience your problem, how you feel about it. And when it is not good, i want to be there! So pleasss, call me who ever want to call me ๐Ÿ˜.

By this moment, i want to come back to my friend ‘Jolien’. Now i am good and less angry then within treatments, i even realise more what she did for me already. She was there on the moments i needed without i had to ask, almost every chemo, surgery,.. I want to do so much back for her because i still feel so thankfull for that! She is amazing and i keep realising that. Even now i am not feeling sick, she is still there. For the moment i live in her house again, i am always welcome here, so sweet! I want to keep cleaning so much here because i am so thankfull haha.

Also i still need to catch up with many others, friends, family!

Since short my grandfather lives in a retirement house. Went seeing him, his memory is not like before but he does remember that i am not to much there๐Ÿคญ. I see he enjoys this moments and me to, so I will try to go more often the time i am here.

It is like i have more energy again but also more love to share again. I can’t explain the feeling like my hart is really glowing and it feels so go that i want others to feel it to.

Ow another moment of happiness to me the last month was when my friend cute all my hair in the same lenght๐Ÿ˜ƒ, for the first time since i have it back , i finally can have a ‘carรฉ’ already. I can go to the supermarket in the morning without i need to prepare myself, put my scarf because i am shy,or something, i just put my pants and go . This like that can already feel so great, one of the nice things about having had treatments.

One comment

  1. Happy to read you a bit, I remembered I really liked your short hair style you had you ketchup lover ๐Ÿ˜€ good vibes over there.


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