I am not sure if i am right here, but it feels like the most scary thing to do for me is, not jumping of a bridge, travelling alone, wasps,… but the feeling of being alone with me. That girl i actually still getting to know more and more. After radiotherapy i immediately went travelling, that is for me another way of running from my feelings. I did this for many years without realizing i was doing this, but this time i was very aware of myself and i was thinking ‘What an impulsive decision did i make again’. I am busy living very mindful and following this programme to be connected with myself and i think it is starting to help shift things in my behavior. So i returned more early back to Belgium because i felt i was tired and i didn’t feel like travelling more this time. That doesn’t mean i didn’t enjoy! After that i started an online class to study ‘lifecoaching’. I loved my courses, i learned a lot again, how to support people but it also brought me a bit closer to myself again. I just finished the exam of this, witch gived me some stress. But i liked the routine of studying and having time to relax inbetween. In my chaotic life i never really had to much routine for many years but i start to appreciate this more and more.
I have 2 more weeks in Belgium and i promised myself to not plan anything because i noticed that i am running again a bit from myself. Finishing radiation, than travelling and studying while i think i need to recover a little from the last months and rest because i feel i need this. But of course days getting filled up so easily…especially when i am in Belgium so i will need to kape some time to do nothing. I realise how, having cancer, gives me more fear than i want to admit. I don’t really know how to live with it so i used my skill of ignoring it. I learned already more to accept when bad feelings are coming instead of looking for control and going back in my addictif behavior (my eatingdisorder) when situations are happening. I didn’t feel for many years and i was a master in blocking them. I have to admitt it can be very overwelming to feel certain emotions in certain situations but i learned that, also these situations and emotions are only temporary and are passing at some point, so i learned to accept and deal with them instead of escaping in old bad behavior. But These cancer, it is something different, i don’t know if it passes or not, if it will leave me alone or keep following me. And i have to admit i am sometimes tired of it. I changed a lot as a person, because of it. I always learn to live with that new part of myself again, bu also it takes a lot of my energy away. it makes me change my lifeplans everytime also. When the cancer is popping up, all else, whatever happens in your life, is put on hold it feels for me, because you can’t continue without being fysicaly well. Living in pain would make living just not enjoyable anymore i think. So you do what you need to do. Hospital, tests, surgery’s, treatments… Now i start to see how routine and stability are giving me peace, and i start to appriciate it, i hope it will leave me alone because i feel it was more easy to accept it when i was in my chaotic life where i didn’t want routine. Maybe it was even not accepting it that time but ignoring it. Now, i got my feelings back because i am working so hard on myself, this this ignoring is not working anymore.
But maybe a positive note in this is, it has the gived to make you feel alive again! And it can feel amazing. When i just passed treatments, i really feel how gratefull i am for little things in life. Things we are not feeling grateful for because we feel they are ‘normal’. It’s like i see with differend eyes. This is mostly only temporary 😃, once it is a while again that i am back ‘healthy’ this feeling goes further away again. But than, sometimes when i feel low, i can grab it back, and have this moment of being really aware of my surounding. Smells like the rain on the street, feelings like the fresh air in the morning, colours like a little bird that comes sit and shine, feeling grateful for my body, that it still functions,…and so one but enough mindfulness😉. Having passed this also helps with relativating situations and deal with them. For example the constructions in my street during exams, i could continue feeling enoyed and angry but i just put some music and made the many noise part of it 😃. It makes it more easy to deal with it and i can’t change it anyway, so better going in the flow than putting enegy in resistance.. haha i just finished a training coaching and insee how instart using my theorie already on myself a bit to 😉.
I realize when i hear people around me speaking about there familymembers with cancis ier how they feel sad about this or angry. Than i realize that i don’t feel anything and i have it myself, it even gived me already several tumors, and i still act like having cancer is like losing a toenail. On one side it helped me already a lot with this situation this ‘ignorance’ behavior. But i think it didn’t help me with taking care of my body because it made me running and what my body need is rest especially after surgery’s and treatments. So from now one i hope to live my life differently. I hope i will find my balance more and more… between being busy and relaxing. Between ‘me-time’ and giving my time to others. I am still going to yoga and i meditate every day. These things are the best medicin ever to me, when i do yoga i really feel connected to myself and meditation is also helping me of letting go of many thoughts that are coming in my head. They both help me to breath and relax … get ride of all thoughts that i shouldn’t give energy to and making space for new ones that are giving me energy. It also reminds me to just❤️ , i think, giving and receiving love, is one of the most beautiful things i experience in life. And the feeling i get of that, that feeling that makes your hart warm, is the nicest feelings i already experienced i think.
I am excited to leave soon to Asia but i have to admit i met again some new very sweet people that i can call my friends. Another reason why i look forward to live somewhere is having stability and time to really work on the connections i make, let them continuing growing. Not that i lose the old ones but after being seperated for longer time they always change a bit what is normal.if you don’t see eachother. You always lose a bit of connection. I am tired of saying goodbye so much to all these sweet people😉. Yes i think, working on myself very hard in Africa and afterwards and getting this new tumor that made me stay in Belgium a few months, all of this changed me again ..a lot. And i still believe all is coming when it’s time for it to come. So i am in a way gratefull for what happend otherwise i wouldn’t have met this people, wouldn’t have enjoyed the sunny days here in Belgium with family and friends and wouldn’t have finished my lifecoachtraining.