End of july. I finished what i had to do again to stay alive 😉. I arrived in Belgium in may, planned to stay a month and i am still around, struggled with my health again. Living with cancer is really helping to improve my patience i think. This unexpected situations that are changing my directions, that are changing me, as a person. After getting a new tumor, this time in my head, i got a surgery, recoveringtime and 5 radiations. The radiotherapy isn’t really heavy fiscaly, to me. But mentally it is, this time i had to to go first to let them make me a mask where just my eyes and nose are coming out. The preparation for this, laying on the table and let them putting this plaster kind of material on me, than waiting untill it dries and gets hard, wasn’t the most fun thing to do. This mask i needed to put every time i go for the radiotherapy so i don’t move and so i am always laying in exact the same position so the radiations are going always on the exact right spot in my head.
Luckily this only takes like 15minutes and i needed the radiations every second day. So always one day of rest inbetween. For me the radiotions are not hard but being stuck in the mask alone on that table is making me a bit anxious and it always reminds me i am doing this because i have cancer. I always did something kind for myself after. It also helps that my doctor of the radiotherapy is a very sweet man who takes time to listen to how i am doing when we speak.
All of this is leading to me, trying to find controlle again in all kind of things to not feel what all of this is actually doing to me. So i also need to keep working on that part of me i am struggling with.. foodwhise all of this is going well but an eatingdisorder is not about being addicted to food, otherwise i would eat a lot more 😉. It is all about being addicted to controlle , food is just on thing to controlle. If i am not doing that i notice i try to controll other things like situations, people.. but i know it is just an illusion because i don’t have the power to controlle things outside of me, i only think i can.
The day after my last radiotherapy i decided to start travelling a bit in Europe, i went to Slovenie and Croatia. I thought i wanted to make my head empty… In fact after finishing everything again related to my cancer and being free again, gives me a lot of feelings where i couldn’t really deal with i realised, so i went travelling again one side to enjoy but another part was to escape the feelings i had to sit with and the discomfort they are bringing with them.
Normally i love travelling so much, but this time i think it wasn’t the right moment. It is heighseason, and even i went to nature, there was traffic and people just everywhere. Maybe also because i start seeing how travelling is also a bit of escaping… I also had to travell by car as i am not allowed to fly for 2months and i don’treally like driving. So i drove to Croatia, i took people on the way with me using the application ‘blablacar’. It is a nice way to share the gasoline and also to have some company during the drive as i love to meet all kind of people. So that was fun, i met some very interesting people again. To get there i had to drop one of the guys i took in Austria, because i goes to live there. I didn’t expect him to have a racing bike and the luggage and the gitar with him🙈. But it all fitted just in the car and the drove we had was just beautiful, trough Tirol.
If i knew what would come after that i would have stayed there to. When i arrived in Slovenia i stayed in an amazing hostel in the mountains next to the river, a very sweet couple who just started so they really did so much there best. In the evening we had a fire and i met some lovely people. But again i better stayed there because after i continued to explore some forest and lakes and there were people everywhere.
Also i continued my drive to Croatia and there it was even worse. I went to a cute village, Pulla. There was a filmvestival and they played movies in all special locations so i went to see one in an old amphitheater, beautiful. But next to that, when i went to try to find a quiet beach, it was impossible, people everywhere. I started to realise that if i had stayed in Belgium after the treatments i would maybe have taking the time i needed instead of putting that energy in driving and finding a place to stay that was still availeble every time.
So instead of spending more money on all of that, i decided this time to not keep moving but just to return. I felt it wasn’t the time for all of this. What is a big realisation, change for me and my lifestyle😃. In the past as soon as i could leave Belgium i was gone and now i am actually going back sooner and i will start a virtual class in August to become a lifecoach. I am still planning to move to Asia in September and continue my studies online from there. And i am still very excited about this plan. But i also hope i will find the peace i am looking for inside of me so i can be there and be ok with everything. But if i keep working this spiritual programme i explained in one of my other blogs, i will find this more and more i am sure. Before i go to Asia i will have another headscan and hopefully all will be good to finally do what i wanted to do in may.
I think it is thanks to this programme i am starting to see things i am doing or did in the past that were not helpfull for my eatingdisorder and i slowely start to change these old paterns into new, more healthy ones. One of the things that helps me a lot in this is taking quiet time instead of being busy the whole time. To sit and feel or just to sit and experience whatever is happening inside of me. One of the things i am experiencing a lot these days is grief… grief of people i had to let go in my life even i like them… grief of parts of me that were changing because of things that happend in my life, so parts i have to let go…grief maybe of my old lifestyle what also gives a bit of fear of the new one…the grief and the feeling of loneliness.
Not because i don’t see enough people, but loneliness because i feel sometimes very ‘different’. But i realized also that infact we all are very different and somehow we are connected ❤️. But also happiness and gratefulness because i survived and i am still here, that i am able to decide whenever i go travel or not and that i can drive again. When i just started this trip i really felt like in a rollercoaster of emotions and i just drove that roalercoaster and experienced it instead of trying to avoid it and it actually felt very nice and makes me feel less lonely.
So yes a very intense last months again but i learned so much again and the cancer brought me again, back to basics. To appreciate the things again we take for granted like being able to move..
I am on my way back to Belgium again now, to end this trip with just staying another 2days in the nature in Belgium instead :).