I am back on the midcare now. Yesterday i got the surgery. Omg i forget the feeling when you have to lay on the surgery table and they prepare you to finally put you a sleep. The only thing i felt before was fear, of not knowing how i will be when i wake up. And i have to admit i went in around 8am, at 12 pm i saw i was waking up, I felt like sh*t, the pain was like when i got my necksurgery. So much that i feel that i couldn’t handle this much pain for to long. Luckely i was still allowed to get a lot of painmedication so i was sleepy and slept trough the pain and also the medication made it a bit more manageable. I also had to trow up because of some heavy pressure in my head.

In the night it looked like blood but apparently it was ‘gall’ . I don t know if i had to feel any better with knowing that. I stayed untill today in the intensife care, where people took very good care of me. In the evening i even had limited visit even i was only half there and a bit weird, it was nice to see people i love. I think from now on it will be step by step doing things on my own again. I had a bandage around my head and no idea what was under that but today they removed and i still have a lot of hair left luckely🙏. They removed the thing in my head and i should get news later in one of the weeks what exactly it is. I got 15 stitches after and this morning,after pulling out a drain out of my head they putted 2 more stitches🙈. Normally when i will be recovered i will.only need some radiations to make sure all is gonne. But we will discuss this also later.

From tomorrow i should be able to go out of my bed again🙈. The pain is also already much better, and i am more hungry than nautious now what is also a good sign😉. I know this will take time again to heal and that i still have a way to but one step at a time, one day at a time i am doing this and at the end i will enjoy continuing my dreams going to Asia, twice as hard i think.

When i hear the nurses sharing my story to eachother when they do the handover standing at my door. They always start the story, this is valerie , then sharing my past with my first surgery in the breast, than the one in my breast again, the armpit and my neck. I always realize hearing this that i went already trough a lot of surgerys with this cancer and i don’t want to put myself on a troon but i think i am proud on myself that i keep standing up and go trough pain, mentally and physically. I think it helps me everytime realizing that i have to live taking care of.myself and stop worrying about everything els. That this life i got is mine and at the end i am the one going trough it, of course i love to share my love with all people around me but i know i need sometimes to be a bit more kind with myself before i want to share so much. So maybe this was another wake up call for me to be more kind to myself because i am only learning the hard way🙈.