Long time i didn’t had to write about my cancer. But here it is again. One problem goes better so the other comes back worse🙈. But i hope after what will come again i will see that i should stop waisting time trying to find controll and let go even more of everything again what doesn’t makes me happy because you never know what is coming….

In May i returned to Belgium to see my family

And to do my checks for my breastcancer. I arrived and immediately had a familycelebration witch i enjoyed. It was nice to see my family back, i never expected all of this. I would come to see my family, do my checks in hospital and go to Thailand after this, friday the 27th.

But after having a PETscan in hospital i saw my oncologist on friday the 13th🙈. She told me there was something to see in my head, not clear what it is, it could still be nothing. I had to go back a few days later for a MRI scan of my head to have a better view. I still believed it was nothing and that i could continue my plans to go to Asia. Last monday i got my MRI and on Tuesday i saw my oncologist  back, she told me i had a tumor in my head and that they will need to do a surgery. She sayed many things but i think i only heard half of it and i made it less serious than i wanted it to be. So i told everyone i had a little thing that they will remove , that i just need 3 radiations after and that i probably can leave in 2 weeks. She made me already an appointment with the department of neurology to discuss the surgery as it is better all of this is happening soon. She also told me i will need no chemo but just radiations after i recovered from the surgery. I believed this would be all solved quickely untill i saw the neurologist, the doctor that will do the headsurgery.

I called Jolien, the girl that was my budy in the past but now became a very good friend, from the cancerorganistion, after seeing my oncologist. She proposed immediately to join me to the neurologist as i could only tell her half of what the oncologist sayed. She knows how i act in this kind of situations and not really listen to the whole thing amd try to ‘flower’ it up. So last friday we saw the neurologist together. I wanted to have the same doctor who removed the tumor in my neck in the past, but i would see another one normally because that doctor doesn’t had availability and it better needed to happen all soon. While we were sitting in the waitingroom for another neurologist, that neurologist that did my necksurgery in the past, past in the hallway and recognized me. He told me sarcastic, ‘so you are still here’, but it made me realise how grateful i should be i am still here after all what happend , after he told me i could go to his office so that he can look to help me. Another thing i felt very grateful for because i feel good with him and trust him. I felt very grateful that i met him in the hallway and he recoignoised me and that he will finally do my headsurgery to.

They explained that they can not see on the scans if the thing in my head is a new cancertumor or a tumor from my breastcancer that spread out. At the end it would be better it is a metastase from my breastcancer because i already get medication to protect me against that breastcancer, but if it would be another cancer again they would need to look what else they need to do to treat it. All of this i will only know after the surgery because when they will take it out they will examinate it.

I do take medication to protect me from getting new things because of the breastcancer. I am having this hormontherapy with injections every month and pills i take to keep me in early menopause because the breastcancer is sensitive to hormons and the menopause is helping me to stop getting them. But my oncologist told me it would be not the first time somebody with breastcancer and this therapy get a new tumor in the head, because the medication is protecting me as it goes everywhere in the body exept in the head, apparently there is a protection before the brain that also doesn’t let the medication enter easily there. If it is another tumor from the breastcancer, it shows me how the hormontherapy i get is really working well protecting the rest of my body from getting new things as it went to a place that wasn’t as good protected trough my medicin. But let’s see what that thing in my head is … Whatever cancer it is i will also get radiations after to make sure all the bad cells are killed around the place they took the tumor out. But i think i will first need a few weeks of recovery from the surgery before i will get the radiations.

So another thing that Jolien my friend and the neurologist made me realise is that i will not be gonne to Asia in 2weeks. He told me.i can’t fly soon anyway because of the pressure in the air. So i guess i will need to stay a few more months in Europe again…There we go again, story of my life. My plans are changing direction so fast and many times. Luckely i am so used to adapt to all different situation so i am adapting but this time it is mentally very hard ! I feel so not ready to go trough this. Between the news and the surgery i had a week. I really had to keep my head up to find healthy distraction and i cried a lot. I also needed to be in hospital several times to prepare for the surgery. I know better days are coming and that we need the downs to feel happy when we go up. But f*ck my downs can go very down. And luckely my ups can feel like they go extremely up, what is apparently a characteristic of being somebody who is sensitive for addictions so part of my eatigdisorder but that is another story . The good thing is, i can’t wait to experience going up again because it will be amazing , that is what helps me going trough things like this.

Today is Sunday,

i am already in hospital and i will get the surgery as first tomorrow morning. After i will need to stay in intensive care one night, than midcare and hopefully soon after to a normal room. I met a woman in the hallway who also got a headsurgery and she told me very negative things like it will not all be ok and how bad cancer can be so actually she really scared me. I don’t like to be in hospital , being the patient and having people who talk about the pain they have or diseases, it’s hard. But one more night and after tomorrow my recovery can start again

 . I will make the best of my months being in Europe and after i will still follow my dream to go to Asia. But maybe i needed to stay a bit longer in Europe to sort some things out and to leave after without feeling i need to leave…i believe everything happens for a reason🙏… but that doesn’t mean i am not thinking f*ck cancer