Because i am waiting to go to Belgium to this hospital for help working on my eatingdisorder, being on a waitinglist, i was pausing my life and wait to go to this hospital before i felt i could move on with my life. I was working in the house, sporting, controlling my food and tried to keep this unhealthy routine. In the evening i just passed down because my energy was finished. I didn’t feel anymore, emotions, i was scared to feel so i kept doing this same things every day.
I felt i had to change something because i can be very hard with myself and i would go down very deep if i kept going lower and i think i would have need to go back to the hospital before the waitinglist. I already felt how my brain started to work slower because i became more and more skinny, but in some way this is what i wanted because than you don’t think and feel and i was scared to feel in this point of my life. Nobody could help me with this i builded my wall higher again and wanted to be alone with this. I saw how this also infected my boyfriend.
In my moments i felt better, i used the energy to realize that i should change something because i have so many things around me that are beautiful, if i just change the way i use them in my life. Our home, surrounded by nature should have so much energy not take it. My relationship with the sweetest man on earth should give me so much energy but because i deald with it wrong it was also taking my energy. I have so much luck that my boyfriend gives me so much space to make mistakes and to fall and go up again, but i feel how he is always by my side and i feel so lucky for that. I think because of the space i get i learn how to use all in the good way. Because at the end nobody can tell us how we should use our personality in life and how to deal with our life. But sometimes people can give us handels, signs just by sharing there life experience.
This is what happend in this retreat to me. Because i need to change my routine to go up again. On one of my better days i decided to book this retreat in Greece , in some way i felt i needed to take distance of the situation. This time i felt i had to do this, wherever it was fitting or not, i knew it was the month i could spend with my boyfriend but at this point of my life i needed to do this. I was also not sure travelling with the less energy i had but good i did!
So i booked flights to go to Greece, first i travelled a few days around islands on my own to just be alone with myself again. Do again what i was used from before, travelling discovering, hiking, to see how i felt this time. Doing some hangouts on the couchsurfing apllication to meet other travellers. This is what i did when i travelled for long time and i sti love it but i felt how everything was different now, that i am in a different part of my life. It was nice to discover that i still like it because i love meeting interesting people but that is not the only thing i want anymore.
The retreat was on an island , Amorgos. Special place for me. It is a small island with many hills and a few villages on it but not to much. When i arrived i had to cross to the totally other side of the island what was not that far. I was already amased by the landscape. When i arrived at the place of the retreat, my taxidriver helped carying my luggage down to the beach because he was to scared to drive down😄. Only already this experience to go to a beach not that easy to get, i loved it. The girls from the retreat were waiting for me. I got a room just right on this beach, a room in wich i could sleep every night with the window open to fall asleep with the sound of the waves. Even this place is a bit remoted, i felt very free there. I loved it.
The retreat was amazing! I thought i booked a yogaretreat because i was thinking this could help me breaking my unhealthy routine a bit. But it was so much more than a yogaretreat! We got yoga, once a day, what was enough. In the morning to wake up and get energy. The teacher was adorable.
One of the girls was taking care of the food, vegetarian. She was an amazing cook. Even i was struggling with controlling food and eating not to much. I think her healthy delicious food helped me letting go and i my curiosity also made me taste every time all. She is also amazing. Another girl who was helping everywhere, and also drove us everywhere, was also a lovely person. Whatever we needed she made sure we got it. They all did take care of us fantastic. Then the last of the 3 was the girl who gived every evening this new kind of classes to me, movement classes.
I saw when i booked this on the program and it made me very curious. I have to say sometimes i can be very shy to move without alcohol 😄but i can tell you this girl knows how to make you move. The classes were AmAzing! We were only with 3 other woman joing the group, what was perfect to me. The energy in our group was amazing.
Also during the day they took us to beautiful places on the island, a place to learn about natural medicins,.. in the evening they took us every time to another restaurant on the island and we got the chance to eat all kind of different greece dishes what was also amazing because when you trave alone you can’t do this. The whole experience was magical. The dinners were so cosy, we talked a lot. I felt like i got connected witch everyone in a special way. One of the girls was born on the same dat of my mother, also lost her mother and this because of breastcancer. This became very strange to me to have so many things to talk about. Also the other girls had things we could share that came back in my life. We did a thing with passing an imaginary energyball to eachother to start the retreat and already when we did this we all felt connected a lot.
It was like i needed this in my life now. Like somebody helped me with giving this experience, meeting the right people on the right place. Sometimes i think my mother become my angel who helps me in moments i need it. I feel i letted go again the eatingdisorder a bit more instead of going deeper. But i know i should stay on this waitinglist to get a bit more of help. Going deeper i forgot to listen to my feelings and following the signs i was walking with my eyes closed but i think they are already opened again a bit more and that i got back energy. I see things, i feel things that are making me excited again about life. This retreat learned me to keep things simple. Because it was on an island maybe there was not more that what there was. But i enjoyed all there was. It was pure and real.
In the evening it could down every time, in comparing with Spain i think it is more cold so sometimes i got confrontated with being skinny because i got cold so much even it wasn’t freezing. I sometimes needed a hot shower when i arrived back in the evening to warm up again. I felt how I didn’t want to be cold, or fast tired because i wanted to enjoy the evening with the girls. This things also motivated me to become a bit stronger. So yes this was a great decision.
The last night one of the girls gived me an envelop with a postcard inside and a little 🚗 . I started reading when i was back in my room and found out it was a letter of my boyfriend. Because it is now 2 years we have a relationship. He is just the sweetest. This was a good reminder that it is time to go home and give him a big hug. Maybe now i am not to much focussed on our relationship but he took a piece of my heart and i hope he will save it for himself. After all of this i hope to enjoy it also more together again, untill then i hope he wants to save it. Anyway when i am ready again to love myself and treat myself better, i think i will be able to share a lot of love, i think sometimes i feel a bit guilty not being totally there for the moment.
But during the retreat he took flying courses for paragliding and i think he found another passion so i am happy he also took time to discovered things about himself. This helped me to not worry . Now i am on the airplane the best place to write for me, always gives me inspiration. Maybe another connection i have with my boyfriend that the sky inspires us each in a different way. I love to feel that i am ending something beautiful, but without bad feelings because also i go back to something beautiful. 🙏