Long time i didn’t use this blog anymore to write my feelings down.
Well for the moment i feel sick, i think i have the flu, i feel tired and i am not really able to do more than lay down and write or watch television. So a good moment to start writing again. This blog started because i was fighting against cancer, but before that i was already fighting against something else…anorexia. i went to some kind of hospital for this many years ago, after i came out i felt great, but it was never totally gone. Moments i felt bad i started controlling again my food and eatinghabits. This mostly was only short so didn’t get in my way anymore, i never went anymore that deep like when it all started.
i am doing well recovering from my cancer but i am struggling again with my eatingdisorder now, it slowly comes back, the little monster in me that makes me do this strange things and makes me lose weight. It is coming back a lot more than the last years. It never really left since i got this but it was on the background and i could live with it. There must be something or some things in my ‘ perfect’ life that i am not okay with because it starts to take over again slowely. I felt already in July it was time to go back for a bit to this hospital for help. For the moment there is a long waitinglist so i am on it and waiting to get help… it wasn’t really urgent anyway for me but now i feel how i get weaker and don’t treat my body like i shouldn’t anymore. Sometimes i get scared of myself because i recoignoise signs. The heargrow on my body because i am to skinny, the getting scared of many kinds of food, feeling no peace inside, being weak,…yes i think it is time for me to get some help
I love my boyfriend, but the help i will need with this is from people outside of my life. I think it must be hard for him to,to see me going down slowly and not being able to help me. But being there for me when i want to talk and being patient with me for the moment are already meaning a lot to me! I need to go back to this hospital to take some time for myself, going a bit deeper inside of me and my feelings. I think i still have many things happening the last years i didn’t process yet.
We also realized i am having fear of attachment what makes me sometimes go into myself and makes me very scared sometimes. I must have this because of things happened in the past. But i want to work on this and not running away anymore. I want to able to enjoy even more warmth and love. I love to much the things, people i have around me now to run away, so that is another thing i should work on.
I might have all i want in life to be happy, if the feelings are not right you can have all you want in life but keep having this feeling inside that makes you want to run away. At least i have this. I have to admit i am nervous to go back to this hospital and a bit scared but i can’t do this alone. And finding help here in Spain on our mountain isn’t really an option to get out. I need to go there also to get a bit stronger again physically, so i get energy and i finally can work, mentally hard on the real problems that are making my eatingdisorder coming back a bit more for the moment. To figure out what these problems are so i can work on it. Also i want to do this, get this little push again so i get stronger again and so i can enjoy the beauty of life again, because i also already enjoyed life a lot and know how beautiful it can be. I know whatever is coming it will makes me stronger so even i am a bit scared at the same time i can’t wait to start with this.
Yes we are busy building a bnb in Spain but i think i first need to do this. I never tought i would ever go back to this place,hospital, but i know it is ok to look for help when you are getting a bit tired. I past things in the past but i never really take time to feel… feel what all of this did with me. What we passed made us who we are… and i think i need some time to feel and discover again a bit who i am. Not only nice feelings but also the painful and scary ones i want to experience. For this i could use some help, and in one way or another my body is a sign for me to see when it is time to ask for help. Maybe i need something like this eatingdisorder, even i prefer not,, that shows.me when i am not doing that well and when i get to busy again, because i am always to proud to ask for help and i was always someone who wanted to show that i don’t need any help. I always smile and i am so good in ignoring feelings that i even don’t realise myself if i am not doing that well. But when i start controlling again and my body shows me i know i need to stop…. take time…breath…feel…take time…after i can go again.
i feel a bit terrible for the moment because i have fever, and a big headach, i know this will pass like everything passes in our lifes. This period i have also will.. And that whatever is coming i am ready for it because it will be only temporary and makes me better. I think we also sometimes need to stop and think about what we are doing and how we are feeling, life can be so busy. At the end i know whatever is coming will make me stronger again.
I want to make this smile real again…
I want to look at beauty again and feel it … So i am ready to do this 👏