This article will be about my eating disorder. Yes, next to cancer, i also have anorexia. I have it but lets say that it is not always there anymore, it comes and goes. Now i am doing much better than when i got this the first time , A few years ago. I stayed around 7months in a section in the hospital for this. Working on myself. This 7 months were not easy but they made me who i am now and i feel very grateful for that. I was busy in this time getting to know myself, who i am, what i want . Because an eatingdisorder is not all about looking to your weight. At least not for me. It is more the controll i want to have about it because i don’t feel well emotionally.
I was a bit lost that time I first got it, Didn’t know who i was anymore, not happy with that person, and started to become good in something, in losing weight. It also gived me controll. I was able to decide how fast i could lose weight and how much, i lost almost 20kilos , very fast, in a few months, because i was very hard with myself. I didn’t realize that i was getting anorexia, but my father let me talk to this doctor who asked me some questions to make me see that i had this problem, i am thankfull my father helped me with this. Inbetween, i want to say that i am thankful to my whole family that they were there for me, came to hospital when i needed them.
I decided to go to the hospital because it needed to get out of this, i also had to stop losing weight because it was really not healthy anymore. It is a scary thing to me because when i have bad moments , i start controlling, without realising. Now i have my boyfriend so i have somebody who puts a mirror before myself, what makes it more easy to see it myself if i start looking for controll again. He helps me a lot , just being there for me. The rest , to let it go again, i need to do myself, but they learned me in hospital how i can go out of it when it comes back to me. Because I don’t want to go back to where i come from! That time in the past, i looked to all the food and counted calories. I weight my food to calculate. I was so busy calculating and controlling that i shut myself from everyone and everything that time. So unfortunately, i know a lot about food and there calories. that is something that gives me controll without i realise because i even don’t have to do research anymore so now it is harder to see it from myself when i am busy again with this controlle, after many years living with it it happens like automatically. Because i became so good in it. Like i am good in hiding emotions i am good in hiding diseases, i hided the anorexia, also when i had cancer i was good in hiding this, people didn’t believe sometimes i had cancer treatments, i putted on a widge, and putted some make up to hide. I am not proud that i am in good in this but sometimes it makes life more easy when you don’t have energy. The main thing with anorexia to me ,is that it is connected with emotions. I am not good in showing emotions. So infact you can sometimes see on me, how i am doing. If i am struggling a bit with my emotions, and i don’t know how to deal with them, the controll will come back and i will be maybe losing a bit of weight. Never as much anymore like in the past now, just a little and it will come back afterwards. In the hospital that time in the past, they teached me how to notice when i am not doing ok, that i can i see it from myself and i can share it so I can also fight against if i don’t ignore it and so it doesn’t take over my life again. I never want to go back to that time anymore, i feel to happy with my life for that, sometimes it comes a little back but only for short period and just because of something that maybe stresses me a bit. i accept that it will be there from time to time. Than i just pay attention and try to push it away again. I take time to think why i feel not totally ok and work on that. So infact the anorexia is not that bad because it helps me sometimes to stop, and feel. To take time to think about how i am doing. Meditation and yoga are helping me a lot in this periods. To feel and deal with emotions or fear.
Another scary thing to me is , that when you are really deep into the anorexia, you don’t see yourself in the mirror like you really are. You think everything looks normal but you are so skiny🙈. I lost friends, i met in the hospital because of this evil thing. I always compare it with a little devil who is inside you. That makes you do things, you would never do when you didn’t have this.
After i came out of the hospital i started traveling to get to know myself more. Me alone with myself, i went discovering and saw many countries all around the world. When i was travelling i forget about all this. I thought i was over it. But it helped me to get self confidence and to get to know myself. It also gives me a lot of energy.
The eatingdisorder isn’t a big part of my life anymore but it will be always there. I was in hot countries most of the time, so there you don’t face the fact that you are skinny and fast cold. I was also always busy. It was easy to ignore, but also when i travelled sometimes it was there. Now I don’t live alone anymore it is even more easy to see it, wich is a good thing.
I think i am still carying things from the past, like my mother her death, and now also the cancer that i still need to process. Also starting to actually living somewhere after moving around longtime it is a bit scary. It is what i want, but new things are sometimes a bit scary, you can’t control the unknown, so maybe that is why i am having a bit more of controlle again the last times.
Talking with my boyfriend is helping me a lot trough all of this. And taking a bit of time for myself. I feel very lucky he supports me inn this with just being there and givin me the space, time i need. When i feel a bit bad i can be a bit more hard and push people away, i think it is sweet he stays by my side, and that we can talk so good about everything.
An eatingdisorder is a strange thing, it is scary because it sneaks into you without you realise. Than it becomes a bit like an alcohol addiction or another one i think, addiction for the controlle , this mostely comes up when ‘not nice feelings’ are there. But on the other side this made me change things in my life and made me make discisions i would have never token when i didn’t get it. So it helped me to stop and start living my life like i want it. I believe everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it is hard to understand or find the reason. Mostly i see it afterwards, or when I meditate and try to look from a distance at situations.
I am very excited about our new dream that we are realising. Opening a bnb in Spain. But sometimes i am already worried that i will go to far in things and forget myself again. This already before it happens. I think i know myself so well now and that i should trust myself more. So i am doing better again, enjoying moments. Not worrying about what is coming, if i do my best this is more than enough. Infact i am enjoying that we just bought a house😍 and start a new chapter. I want to enjoy now because time flies and moments are passing very fast. For the moment it is raining in Andalucia. I put a lot of heaters around me, made it cosy and enjoying a glass of 🍷, thinking about how nice it is to be surrounded by so many sweet people in my life , and also the beautiful nature🙏