Back home

Finaly after the months of lockdown in Belgium, i arrived back in Spain. I felt so happy to go home. When i arrived i went picking up our car in the carpark and took him home 😁. When i arrived it smelt very moldy in the house , the house stayed closed for around 3 months. The first days i was busy cleaning and cleaning up the garden, washing things that smelt like mold.

I was so busy i didn’t took the time to feel how it was to be back the first days. How it felt to be alone again a bit after being 3 months together. My boyfriend came later by motorbike from Belgium because he first had to fly. After being busy i decided to take a beachday, to go slower again, i enjoyed to wake up with the sun, 30 degrees, i also enjoyed the view from our house again untill the fullest. In a place like this it is easy to slow down very quickly i think 😃. Even i don’t work in Belgium, i felt the difference and it felt like a lot if pressure or tension went out of me. I started yoga again to in the town Competa . I felt again how lucky we are to have a life here, i also looked forward for my boyfriend to enjoy this again and to see him back. To live together again but in the place we decided to start our life together. I like to go to Belgium from time to time to see people back but i would never stay there anymore, only the Corona forced me to do it 😬. Anyway if i think back we also had a lot of good moments during the lockdown. The weather was very sad in the mountains in Spain and the lockdownrules were also more hard then in Belguim so maybe it was the right place to be at that moment. After 2 weeks my boyfriend also arrived with his motorbike.

When i arrived i forgot to put my monthly injection. Because i had to get it around the days i flew from Belgium. I made an appointment in the village with the doctor when i arrived but he only could do it 4 days later so i was to late about a week. I think i really felt this, that i was to late. It is an injection to keep me in menopause so to stop giving me hormons. And it felt like i got very sensitive and emotional. I wanted to cry for nothing. I think it was because maybe it was time to give me the injection and instead everything start working again inside, because i was already a week overtime. Also after the injection i always get emotional, but a day or 3 later i feel ‘ normal’ again. That moments i feel emotional i would stop all of it, the whole therapy, but i know that is the impulsif part of me and i just let pass this moments because i know i need this therapy, on moments like that i look for distraction. This time i made a little bracelet for my boyfriend while listening to emotional music. I am lucky my boyfriend knows how to deal with me when i am feeling like that. He just let me be and let me do my thing. He is so sweet.

Now we are back here and the weather is lovely. It is hot in daytime and the nights are cooling down like 10 degrees. Perfect! This is just one small thing of the bigger thing that makes me so happy here! Also the birds that are singing around the house all day long. The little chikkens that are making cute noise, the flowers everywhere, the amazing views, beach, swimmingpool ……. I also started painting again

Going on a sunsetcruise👏😁

I know a girl that is giving yogaretreats a bit further from our home. This is how we found this house in this area actualy, because i was doing a yogaretreat up here in the mountains and i felt like this is a really good place. After the retreat i saw a house for rent here, my boyfriend came look at it and also felt in love with the view and the peace. I went helping this girl a bit ago, cooking a bit and putting the yogathings ready, and i could also enjoy her yogaclass. Another Woman that is also from Belgium is also giving yoga and pilates in the village close by. And i am going to the gym down our house. Another thing i do to keep moving is going on hikes with my boyfriend. So many beautiful places around here to see!

We started our housevisits last week. Because we want to buy something to start a bnb. We both liked a lot one of the houses. It is just a bit above our budget but maybe we can talk about that. We are waiting a bit to see what more is around and how other bnb’s are experiencing living here. It was our plan to do this, but now the time is coming on one side i feel like i should think more about this but then i feel again that this is the way how people sometimes are dealing with fear, thinking to much about it. I love my boyfriend, i like the house, and all what is coming we don’t know.

A lot of distraction here around me to be busy. Having a home again, being busy in the home, with my boyfriend, the house, all nice things but the last weeks i think i was not totally myself anymore. Not the ‘me’ i like that much. I think i was escaping standing still with myself. That is also why i did not write. This is not good and started to also work on our relationship i think. Because i felt less confident I understand things more easily wrong, took them to personal. Also then my boyfriend maybe started taking things more personal. And you get in this circle were you create unnecessary tensions. Luckely, talking is one of the things we are very strong in together. So last sunday we ended one of our hikes In the sierra nevada on a beautiful mirador were we talked some things out. I am not to familiar with relationships ass i didn’t had many but i love our relationship and i am still learning a lot.

Going on a dinner with my sweethaert
My new helmet 😍

I think corona pushed us a bit to be always together but now we are here, free and we can be together but also do more our own thing again. Now i just realised this, i feel like a pressure left me. I am still enjoying my life a lot, also when things are going a bit harder, this things are making the goodtimes 😉. After all this treatments i am still feeling a lot like i am alive. Some moments more than others. But when i have one of this moments, god they feel so grate! Like i am in meditation, than i hear all around me, i feel joy and warmth inside, i see, i see so much more than other moments, i can’t really describe this feeling.

But i know it is coming from getting the news that i got cancer and’ that it is not going that good but we will do what we can’, sovthinking i will maybe die soon. In one way i am very grateful i got to experience this because it makes me feel more alive then ever. One day we were doing a ‘siesta’, taking a rest and i had this view before my eyes. Of my own funeral, i saw all the people i love around me, and i felt some peace. I felt that that one day, when death comes, i want to feel like i do now, satisfied. Happy with what i have. Not that i want to die now 😉, but it gives me sign i am on the good way. Maybe this sounds a bit strange i write and talk about my death, but you know, i don’t think it is because it is life. We are born to die. Whatever we do in between is in our hands, how we use this time. It doesn’t scare my to think about this. Sometimes i go laying outside the house on our mountain. The sky is full with stars here, amazing. Then i think if i will ever meet back my mother in one way our another because sometimes i still miss here a lot. I wish she could meet Birger, my boyfriend and his children!

Yess my life is still going how it should go. Last week we had a dinner with friends of Birger that are also livin here somewhere. The woman was writing a book, something inam thinking about to. They also gived tips to buy a house here. We met on the right moment, right time, like many things in my life are happening on the right moment. This new chapter in my life couldn’t happen better on any other moment.

One of these days my phone broke. I had no feeling with this. I like ‘things’, but i will not feel so fast bad when i lose something. Things are replaceable, maybe you lose some memories like photos but you just make new ones. Maybe i am not so attached to things because i travelled long time with only the things in my backpack and i learned i didn’t miss anything of material. I do like my clothes 😃, I would hate shopping to find all new ones, and i toke a lot of them from different places in the world. But even this, if i would lose it is a sign we should go travel for new ones 😉. I am used to change…change things, changing environment, changing homes, changing schools in the past 😃, changes are ‘normal’ for me, only the people i love are not changing only that they became more . but now i am also starting to get some routines again and a little but more stability in my life. Already a lot more than before and i also like it. It gives some rest in a way. Also a relationship is stability and i love it.

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