Doing my best

May already, still stuck in Belgium because of the lockdown. Luckely we are already allowed to see some more people. I am still enjoying my bikerides, yoga, painting , observing nature, and most of all the time with my boyfriend. But i feel it is coming sometimes less natural to do things and i need to give myself a little push. I think am fighting against the thoughts that i am getting a bit sick of this period sometimes, like many people i guess.

I can’t believe we are still in Belgium. In all the past years , the last place i wanted to stay to longue was Belgium. I was forst to stay already 2 years ago because i got cancer, after i felt like i could continue. Now we are here again… The last years my lifeplan always changed so fast and so much, so in a way i am used to that, like change is ‘the normal lifestyle’ for me. Making, plans and canceling because of unexpectes obstacles, nothing new 😉, i tried to book many flights during my treatments and also had to cancel many of them because i needed more time than expected. This corona put me in some way a bit in the same situation. luckely i have the sweetest boyfriend to pass this period with. Sometimes also of this i get scared . I had a fear of relationships before we met, and sometimes it still comes up. But i feel so good with this men and i don’t want to give up what we have because of some fear so i am fighting against it. Because what we have is one of the most beautifull things in life to me. I should not call it fighting, i just try to explain as much as i can how i feel and we talk a lot, so i try to recognoise when i have that fear, or after, and talk about it. Normally i would do this my own way and tempo, but because of the corona we are already locked up together more than 2 months so i guess i am getting a little extra push. This is the a good thing about the corona i think :), maybe i will get over that fear after the corona.

Another thing i have is a pain, a heavy one, in my neck and shoulders. I don’t know if i got this because of treatments of the past, because of my necksurgery, that iron thing they put in my neck,..but i do know that it is hard to deal with it sometimes.

From time to time little problems are still poping up, infections mostely, also strange feelings i didn’t had before and that lymfodeem in my arm. All this things are little in comparing with the feeling in my neck, i wake up early every morning, if i stay snoozing it hurts to much. When i start my day it is getting better but during the day it comes back ,some days more than others. Luckely i learned to meditate and how to focus on other things. I try to let it be there but on days i feel a bit less happy it is an extra feeling that is not helping me to feel better again . Normally i get over bad moments fast. Maybe also this makes me sometimes a bit harder with pain, like if other people have pain it is like i don’t show a lot of pitty i think. I feel bad about that but it is because i also feel something and i try to ignore it. It doesn’t mean i feel bad for the other that also are having pain. I go to the kinesist and i hope it will go over again one day, lets see.

End this month, i can also go the hospital to do some tests For the lymfodeem , the first is with a green product, they will put needles with this between my fingers and they will look how good the product will pass trough my lympsystem another is also needles that they will put inbetween my fingers with a radioactif product to see how fast it passes. I think this will be a bit painfull😬 but it is for a good thing. If they see my lymphsystem is not working that well ,i can have a surgery to connect my bloodsystem with my lymphsystem so the water in the lymphsystem can pass trough a bloodvain because they would connect them. Let’s see what will come out of this…

I also saw my chirurg back last month that fixed my breast a few months ago. He looked to his work 😃and told me he could make it look still a bit better if i want. Than i need to get another liposuction. This was painfull, i think my body diserves a bit of rest finally so i decided to not get that surgery, not now.

Anothet thing that i feel i need to pay attention at during this corona, is the eatingdisorder. If i get a bit more moments than normally that i feel a bit less, this thing comes up a little. Than i feel it tries to take over again and that it want’s to take controll of my body again. And also about my life. But i learned how to be aware of this and i am fighting to not let it happen. Having my boyfriend by my side is helping me here a lot. Already that he listen to me when i talk about this and that he trys to understand it a little is already a lot.

Yesss even there is corona, i saw some doctors last month

But next all of this i am also still the smiley and happy me a lot of times ;). Last week i went doing a picnic with my boyfriend in the garden of My father’s house. There is a wood and a pound where we went on a little boatride :). It was a great day. I think we both needed a day like that. On mothersday we went visiting his mother and this week the children are home so another great week where we watch movies together, play games, making cookies, making bread….

When i write all of this , i feel that i am gratefull to have a garden were we can have a picnic during this period and that we can have moments together. We still don’t have a day full of routine, every week is still so different. And step by step i feel we are gettig closer to go back home to Spain. While waiting i try not to forget to enjoy moments because even the Corona is there, i don’t want to wait other times because our life is continuing and we are still living now. Now and then when i am in one of my good days, i keep trying to make people around us happy in a way because i think hapiness is more fun if we can share it.

8May was the birthday of my mom, i lost her when i was 8years in a car accident, she is always close to me but on days like that i feel a little empty space inside my life, somebody i wish i could give a hug sometimes and talk to . Not just somebody , but another person i look up to, wish i had more time to know everything about her. I hope this message is also going into ‘the cloud’ like the saved pictures so she receives it to. Luckely i feel that she is inside of me. I love it when i hear that i am like here in some ways, it makes me feel connected like i still get to know here everytime a bit more.

.

Also Coronatimes can be full of adventure, my boyfriend also got injured in this period
So the first day i helped washing his hair 😃
During one of my bikerides😍
I learned that if you are just doing your best you are doing more than enou . And with a little bit of help of my
curiousity in life, it this isworking for me so far.

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