locked up but still free

In the beginning of the corona i did a PETscan in hospital…strange atmosphere there. This was on Friday, that weekend my boyfriend and i were a little nervous. On Monday we went back to my oncologe to get the results. Everything is still the same👍, no new things to see. We were both released for this, i got a paper to go to the kinesist for massage because i have problems in my neck and back. Also to get the lymphodrainage for my arm.

I was happy there was nothing to see but at the same time a bit frustrated that there was nothing else to see in my neck , like a little problem that could be solved with some medicin. Now we are a month further and my neck is still hurting a lot what gives me headach every day. I learned to ignore and when it is hurting the most , i take a dafalgan. Especially when i wake up it is terrible, but them when i start moving and my muscles start to work it gets better. I am wondering if all of this is because of my surgery, but at the end it doesn’t matter. It is there and i should take care of it. Getting massage, doing excercices. Also my sweetest boyfriend has a special pillow for the neck, and he gived it to me to use😁.

For the rest, we are like everyone stuck. I miss my clothes😃, they are all in Spain. I was thinking of being in Belgium for a week maybe when i took the plane. Not for months. I didn’t expect to be in such nice weather here so i only took my winterclothes. But luckely we have the online webstores, and luckely i am so little , the children gived me some shorts because they are to small for them ass they are one head bigger than me 😃.

We are still not borred. Because we are also a bit used to be in the lifestyle of being home. Mostly then we went travelling or we went on the road some days but hej, home you can also go on a road. A creative road, a mindfull road, a sporty road…

In the beginning we cleaned the alcoholcloset one day, i started painting, my boyfriend was busy in the garden a lot. Our fixing things as he is a very handy men 😁.

One week later the children came home for easternholliday a week. That was also a lot of fun and different again. We did a lot, coocking, playing games, watching movies, being creative… the week past so fast. I we were so bussy that it takes energy but you get twice so much energy back 😍. I love being part of this familly and i still feel so gratefull for this. I love them all a lot and i feel i would give so much to make them all happy and they also make me very happy. On eastern, our last day together , we started to be creative instead of putting a picture on the phone with bunny ears we made our own bunny ears to find chocolate eggs in the garden😋 and also calimero was there 😂. It was another fun day like all the ones before. another day we went to my appartment that i rent out normally but that is empty for the moment with the corona. We went taking a drink and playing a game on the terras as the sun is gonne in the garden after 5 in my boyfriend his house so we could enjoy it after 5 on the terras of my appartment.

And like that we always create amazing moments to look forward to. moments that become beautiful memories. Spending time together is one of the most beautiful things to do. Not only during corontimes but just in life. Now a week later the children left to there mother, and i stayed a few days alone in the appartment while my boyfriend stays in his home. I need this moments tottaly alone to do things only for myself. Because when i am in the same house even in a different room i still have that need to think of things to do for us. My boyfriend gived me a book to read so i wanted to lock myself up with this book: the monk who sold his ferrari.

Even i am already here a day , i didn’t get that far yet in the book. I am fast distracted and i always see so many things to do. I did yoga, went bikkig. I past a little place with nature and went sitting there a bit… i always thought i am not that creative. But now i see that my creativity is creating moments. I always have ideas to do. And i am lucky my boyfriend is always excited to when i tell them😄.

I also went to a store to get a special glove and armsock for my lymphodeem. They give some tension. I don’t need to wearnit every moment, only when i feel it our when i do something that is repeating the same movement a lot with that arm like cleaning windows. Also when i will go on the airplane again. I don’t care wearing them, of they are giving me a good feeling and it solves problems i am happy. After passing some hard surgerys and therapys, whatever i get i afapt easily to it or i accept it more easily, as long as it doesn’t hurd to much that i can put it on the background while doing other things.

Glove
My glove
My armsock

When the children were home they showed me again even more that there is so much to do even in the home. you just have to open yourself to creativity, even you think you can’t or you think you are not creative. I thibk we all are. Maybe we can’t all paint or cook but we all are in a certain way. Maybe in finding things to do, cooking, dreaming, making hairthings, creating beautiful colors with paint ,

F

Of course i also try to keep meditating. it helps me to keep enjoying moments when they are happening and not only when i think back of them afterwards. This is experiencing happiness for me so inwant to keep realising them on the moment itself.

I also have these moments i am a bit tired of all and i want to have answers. One day i wrote on facebook to the belgian governement when i finally could go get my stuff and when we can go take off our car in Spain of that parking on the airport. But of course they answered me that they don’t know, and honestly that is the answer i expected but i maybe just was looking to have some more controll again. Anyway i didn’t and i let it go again. This time stuck at home i am analysing myself a lot, if i am doing what inwant now in my life, if i need to change anything , and i think i don’t.

I still want to open a bnb in Spain. This together with the man of my dreams. We started our relationship in October, moved to Spain, went on a safari together, i joined him when he had to work, we already spent a moment with the children in our new home in Spain, but we were never together so much as now because if his job. He came to Spain, left, than i came to Belgium, we travelled, it was always different, now we are stuck together at home but i still feel out weeks are different evertime. We are more together than before but also this way is working for us. We already past easy times together, more stresfull ones but we are passing them all , each in our way but also together. We talk, we talk a lot about how we are thinking and feeling, i love this kind of conversations. Even we are only together a few months, i don’t feel any border to do what i want our to do differently than who i am with him. And i think he is also totally himself with me, sometimes when he says sorry for something he does i tell him i don’t see any reason to say sorry because i want him to feel totaly okay with whatever he decides with me. I don’t say we are always on the same line with our thoughts, but it doens’t has to be like that i think. As long as we have our opinion and we give space to the other tho also have his opinion even it is not the same. That is what makes things interesting sometimes. So we can also look at our it from another perspective.

I can’t way to be more free again and go live our life again a little more free. I don’t know what is coming. I think that opening a bnb will not be a good thing to do right now. But we will not give up dreaming, we can already start preparing for our dream, our maybe we should spend more time to go explore the world while waiting. Our to find our way in Spain, networking, exploring locations,… we will see when we will be back home. In the meanwhile time is passing by and we are living here enjoying moments and doing things we like. We have eachother, sun is shinning, he has a house with many things to do and many creative things, i found a little place with nature… so even i feel tottaly lost sometimes , i never stays longtime like that and i find easily things again that are helping me to let that feeling be there and just enjoy the momentj.

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