Not always ‘perfect’ is perfect to me

Last month i finished this retreat in India. I did yoga everyday and meditation. They teached me some excercise to do at home and i learned some more meditationtechniques. Everything went great. The pain i had before in my arm went less to. They rememberd me again that i should focuse on what i have and what i can and not think about what i can’t anymore and who i was before.

They remembered me i should be gratefull. That i am still here , that i follow my dream, that i met the most amazing man there is, that i am part of a lovely family now, that i have time to discover things i like to try…

When i flew back to Belgium i was so happy to see my boyfriend back and that i took this new experience with me, this thing that helps me again to be a better version of myself to be a better person to myself but also to others. Also to accept myself ..totaly. Now, 2 weeks later i am back home in sunny Spain. I just passed some amazing moments again with my boyfriend in Belgium. Even the sun was not shinning it felt like there was only sunshine if i think back. Enjoying together and also sharing moments together with family, friends, When we are together i feel like i live on another planet.

Our little dreamy paradise. Where love is giving warmth and energy is giving light 😁. Every day we pass is like a day i would have dreamed of before. We do what we want, when we want and we are changing plans whenever we feel like. (When he is not working 😁)Being with him brings a lot of feelings , i discovered it brings up all the emotions and feelings i have inside. Good ones but also sad ones. Sometimes if i want to explain why i do something in some way or why i became like i am now, i have to go back to what happend the last years to explain. Like i take him back in time. Than i start feeling many things. aperently i have not only happy, funny feelings but also sad and scary ones in me that i didn’t take with me during the treatments. So sometimes now it is like i go back to collect feelings i left behind, mostly sad ones, also good ones. I am very gratefull also this feelings are coming out this time, maybe a bit later and not on that moment i had then inside. Like when i was sad during treatments, this comes out now sometimes. All of this thanks to my boyfriend, i believe whatever you feel should come out ar some point. Because i kept all inside in the past gived me that eatingdisorder, i think at some point, if you keep emotions inside, it wil become to much inside to carry alone at some point. Than your body and head will find i way to let it all out. For me it is like it became so skinny and my mind started doing things i didn’t want. But i discover now i shouldn keep everything inside anymore. And i promised to take care of me and my body so it don’t need to come out anymore in a hard way. But slowely. It is much lighter to cary now to, now i have someone to share all with, i realy try to show all of me, at least all i know i have inside myself, some parts i am still discovering myself , at the end it even makes the connection stronger with the persons around you if you give yourself , totaly, i think.

This last days many cancermemorys came up again. Yestersaymorning we went to the doctor here in Spain to put my monthly injection. Nothing special anymore but the needle got a bit stuck and the proces to put the needle, that is quiet big , in my belly, took longer then normal what started to hurt. This was the start of the day.

After we went back home and drunk a glass of wine while we were doing a barbeque. We were having an amazing time. We wanted to dance a bit untill i felt more pain than usual in my arm. When i looked i saw my wrist was swollen. My boyfriend also got worried and our mood changed. My boyfriend was worried in his way and me in mine and many emotions came up with us both. We each react in our way but than we also explaind to eachother why we do or say things.

I learned when things are going well you should be ready for a moment that is not that fun like you want it. And when you enjoy life as hard as i do this ‘less’ moment can feel very extreme as i feel like i have so much good ones. For the moment i have new feelings in my arm, enoying feelings. Like my arm is heavy inside. Also my fingers are feeling more heavy and it feels different if i move them. I already had a pain in that arm, i learned to accept but now it is worser and also it gives me the fear of getting lymphodemia, a fat arm. Maybe this is the beginning of that, or this is it and i just have it lightly. Or maybe it will leave again and coming up sometimes. But i hope not. I hope this stupid cancer will leave me alone some day and that the scars i have from it just fade away. I still feel i try to ignore and have a life without it.

I saw, now i share my life. How it also effect my boyfriend. He also has this fear of me getting this fat arm. Because everything we have is so perfect and things like that can change situations, people so also relationships. I think what we have is strong, but you never know, i experienced already how little things can change life. I love change, and i adapt easily, but inthink i don’t want change now in ‘us’ because i am enjoying so hard. I enjoying everythting around us is changing but i like how we are staying ‘us’👌, i think we both are a bit scared because we like our life together so much, what we have and we don’t want anything to be in our way. But i think already having a fear of that will make it not come stand in our way because we are aware of that! It already messed up enough in my body, and my head, my feelings. I hope it doesn’t affect my relationship. I try to accept that cancer as part of my life but sometimes it feels like i can’t accept, make it part of me, like we don’t get along and we fight to much. It did things with me that are hard to accept. And it is still doing things with me that mostly are not nice things. It made it harder to me to be a 30 year old woman , sometimes i feel like my body is getting older faster than my head. But i should also tell the positive things it did to me, like, even i feel this physical struggels, i also feel more i am alive than ever. Next to the many emotions that we shared we also passed again this lovely, funny, intens moments here in Spain together.

From enjoying homemade chocolatemousse
To enjoying the swimmingpool together
A little coronita… 😂

About the last years i also want to be more honest with myself. I passed the last years with a smile like it was ok. Like treatments were ok. But maybe i passed it that way to make it more easy that time. And to be honest it worked that way to me. Doing like it is easy. First i pass the hard times and then after i can experience how i feel about this.

During chemo it took me 2 hours to shower and put on some make up to look more healthy than putting on the fake hair ,before i went getting that coffee . i only could stay one hour untill my energy was finished. After my necksurgery when the painkillers stopped working the night after in hospital, i was crying to get more painkillers and i kept trowing up from having so much pain but i couldn’t get more than a dafalgan that came out again. The nurse came to change my clothes the whole night. During treatments i had an abces in my breast that hurted so much, it was really so painfull but nobody believed me there was something els than tension of the radiations. At the end the abces ‘explode’ and i had this scar on my breast because of that, luckely i get this fixed now with liposuction👏. I know that nobody can feel pain when you feel it inside they can only listen how you feel it and watch your emotion. Maybe i smilled to much sometimes😬 that i let the pain go to far before i got help. I felt sometimes so allone with my pain. For example when it was summer but i was so tired in my bed i also felt alone during treatments because there was nonway i could leave that bed, or when i couldn’t go out to much because the nurse came 2 times a day for woundcleaning…maybe small things but all together it was a bit much😬. And much more times that were hard to me. I just past it al but now sometimes this feelings i had to had maybe that time are coming up. For example now i am in Spain, and it was so hard to find someone to help me with the arm, doctors here say they can’t help me and keep sending me to another one. This gives me that feeling again that i am alone with it. They send you because they don’t know what you feel but if they did maybe they would try to reduce or help to find a solution. But of course i don’t know the system here so i should ‘t complain about the healtcare here. Also than when they send me everywhere but i keep having the feeling, i get worried a bit because i experienced that abces in my breast and also then, nobody reacted because they didnt know what i was feeling and how serious it was, and than it was to late and gived me a scare. So that is why i feel how i feel now about this problem and try to find somebody because i prefer doing to much effort for nothing than getting life long lasting problems because of being to quiet. It would be also something i could not be angry about, on myself at the end.

About the life in Spain, next to being busy with little jobs i also start finding my way to relax and discover what i like, meeting people. I am very interested in learning how to paint. I buyed some tools and also wend to a workshop were i met lovely people who all live around here. They gived me so much information again from meeting up facebookgroups, to contacts and information to realise our dream, opening our bnb somewhere around here. I loved the paintingworkshop, i only worked with one kind of blue and i made so many different colours out of it, with all kind of differend ways of using a pencel, amazing. I still need to discover a lot about this. I can’t efford to pay a workshop like that every week but i still have the youtube to 😉. Also every week there is yoga in the town close by, given by a Belgian lady, the yoga is really great. Also now there is water in the pool the house even feels more cosy to me. And we have our new sunflowerfriend to to put with the other ones😁. yes… i like our new life around here 😍.

I wanted to ad this little part to my article… i just come from the physiotherapeut to get lymphatic drainage. I thought i need this to prevent lymphedemia but aperently i don’t prevent but protect my arm so the lymphodemia don’t get worser . And i go there to try to get it away. The therapeut gives me a special kind of massage to remove the water that is stuck in my arm. mentally i needed some time after the massage to proces the thoughts that i have lymphedema. I removed the lymphnodes under my arm last year because some of them were affected wit the cancer, so i had to. After that i was always scared to get this.

I was thinking that i would have a break after passing all this things but now this comes up. But on the other side i had this scary thoughts about what lymphodemia is. I just have it a little, i don’t have a really big arm, as my arms are skinny i will not have this really big arm quickely. But it feels painfull with periodes and also havy in my arm and fingers. But i could live with it and i would not have a worser live or something i think. Anyway now i will do everything to get it away again and i think it will be something that comes up with moments or hopefully leaves after this 🤞. I need to keep my arm always high if i can, like putting a pillow under it to sleep. And i need to wear some kind of sock for my arm that is very tight as long as i will need to. Also i should pee a lot 😃. I will do all i can to get ride of it but if not i will need to accept this again as something i will need to be carefull with. Anyway it will not make me stop livin my life like i want. This cancer also didn’t stop me from doing what i liked, travelling.

Some bandage that keeps my skin up so the water can go away more easily

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