I am on my way to India. After having another amazing week together with my boyfriend, going to walk in the mountains where we live, going to walk at the beach, going to walk in the snow and in the city. This all in one week and with the sun above our head. We were talking at the beach about, if you would die soon what you would like to do with your life…i was telling my boyfriend i would like leave soon together and go see all the places i still want to go. He told me he would like to spend time with everyone he loves.
When i dropped him off at the airport to go back to Belgium. I realised that this was how i wanted to live before, the travelling dream, what i dreamed before, and i lived like that that time thar i wanted. At the point inwas ling my dream i got another one, my dreams starting to change. I think that we are all people who are dying and that i am doing what i want before that happens. I don’t want to go travell now, it doesn’t matter how long i will live. My dream now is to have a balance, having a home, our home, so we can spend time with the children. So i can still see my family from time to time, and when we will finally buy our home(Now we are renting) we can all be together sometimes. I still want to go see things, but not only travell. I want to make memories but not alone anymore. I am happy now to when i am home, in our home, in Spain. In fact on this point of my life i am right where i wanted to be. That is how it feels. I like to be busy with our dreams so now we are looking houses from time to time. I love also the feeling to not only be busy with my dream but with ours😍. Having our home, starting a bnb. Also to enjoy the moments we spent, when we are together time just flies, even in the supermarket standing in the line goes so fast we can’t follow, going to the carwash, is finished before we finish enjoying our moment 😃, it doens’t matter were we are i am enjoying every second.
I had what i wished when i lived in Mexico. I was happy there, i was surrounded by lovely warm people, always sunny, the beach in La Paz was one of the most beautiful once i saw. But still i had this feeling sometimes, to be lonely. I met people, we were on the same pad, but at some point we would go different direction, and I knew that So i knew inwould be allone again at some point and i will need to leave from the people i met. Now i met someone, i am part of a lovely family where we go are going the same direction with the same dreams. I don’t need attach and release again, I don’t want. Of course sometimes i will still take my own path, like now when i decided to go to India. But this is just a different exit to come on that same path again. I would never want my boyfriend to leave things he likes to do for me when I don’t want to do the same, if this thinks really making him happy. Because it makes me feel happy to see him happy. We already have so much we both like to do together. I knew in a way what i was dreaming of that time because i putted that sun on my back that means warmth, light and life. But i didn’t know exactly how i could have all of that. It was only a desire, a dream. A feeling i maybe already felt before and mist but i didnt knew i could feel this feeling so strong like i feel now. Untill i experienced hearing i was maybe almost dyingn, i felt more alive then ever after. After meeting my boyfriend i felt more warmth than ever. And now we live in Spain we have so much light, winter is so short. So know i understand the feeling i was dreaming of that time. Because i feel it and I don’t want to live without it anymore. My dreams or wishes always seems to coming true in a way!
This things i still do for myself will also affect us in a way, a good way. I think you can only be a good person in relationships with others if you are happy with the relationship you have with yourself. Loving yourself. I keep working on that 😁. Because if some things are not ok in yourself it will affect the people around you i think. i think this things i do like meditation, are helping me to find balance and to love myself. Because always doing thing to much or to less was something i didn’t always like about myself. Going in extremely’s like staying or going for example. Giving all of myself or giving and taking. Balance in life, what i think is very important and only will make me a better person.
Also this moments i am not with my boyfriend remembering myself again how happy i am together.
I am doing this meditationretreat on the right moment. Yesterday we went to the hospital because i have this pain in my arm. Already a while now. It sometimes hurts a bit less and other times much more. I already went once and they were telling me it was probably a tennisellebow i had. This is on the arm i had to remove the lymphnodes under my arm because they Were affected by the cancer. I don’t have the nodes anymore that are helping the clean your body when you have infections for example. Yesterday they found out that it was not a tennisellebow because the pain starts at my hand and ends on my back. The place were the lymphs are going. Sometimes they are swollen. Once i had this bolls on my arm now i understand why. Especially when i have a burn or cut it can infect and than i can have more pain. For the moment i feel it really hard. I can’t lift my arm or stretch it. They told me I don’t have to worry that it is because of that surgery and that it will come and go. Some people get this fat arm that can stay forever, i still don’t have this but what i feel is not nice! So I don’t have to worry but when i heard this i felt a bad that this is something new i have to learn to live with.
Also when they told me this i got a bit angry. Angry because I have this because of cancer. I don’t want to adapt anymore to this. I don’t mind adapting myself but not on things like that. I can adapt to situations, also bad once. I can control my mind a bit to make it not to bad or turn it in something good. But physical pain is something hard to control. I am good in blocking pain. I don’t have pain fast but, like this i can’t ignore because it is to much, sometimes the pain is a lot! From my wrest to my ellebow and my back. I don’t like that it is something cancerrelated and that i need to pay extra attention because of that to that arm. But i know i can still do lot of things and this will not make my life looking sad. I will see it as an extra reminder that i should not forget to enjoy because i am good now and i only have this one physical struggle anymore for the moment.
But i am happy to go to India and practice to meditate more. To be more in the moment and it will learn me to let that pain that i can’t do anything about just be there.
Also i am happy to realise that i have someone who catches me when i fall and makes me feel stronger than i already was . Somebody who also let me feel sad when i feel like being sad. Somebody who is there for me and let me be me with all me happy and sad moments.