My African dream

Before i left on a trip to Africa with my boyfriend, i went to Belgium because i had an appointment in hospital with a doctor to look if they can fix my breast πŸ˜ƒ. Not the tumor but an abces i got after treatments from last year, made a hole in my breast. The doctor told me he could fix it. There was a space available for the surgery right after the day we came back from our safari, so i took that date! From Africa to hospital πŸ˜ƒ.

Our safari was just incredible! This was another thing on my list i once wanted to experience in life. The animals, nature, people…😍We went to Africa without really looking for a guide but once we arrived, guides enough πŸ˜‰. We left on a campingsafari for 4 days sleeping in a tent in the Serengeti park! I was excited for this untill we arrived late in the evening on the campingside, after just spotting a lion in a tree they putted our tentπŸ˜ƒ,and our guide that told us to be careful of the hyenas while going to the toilet at night, also to not keep food with us to attract them…ok I certainly made sure to keep no food πŸ˜ƒ and i was thinking i did it again, doing something without thinking first, my impulsive side, booking this campingsafari πŸ˜‚. But we slept like a baby every night because of all the excitement during the day and no visitors in our tent πŸ˜ƒ. It was a lovely experience and I wouldn’t have don it different. Also another new relation experience to me, living so close together in a little tent for 4 days. Again everything went perfect between us like it always does…mostly πŸ˜‰πŸ˜. To me it brought us closer together again, like everything we pass together.breakfast at 6 am 😴 and the next pic our lunch prepared by our lovely cook

When we visited a masaigroup and i saw my sweethaert serious jumping almost higher than the masaipeople during one of there rituals πŸ˜ƒ, when i saw him rolled up in his sleepingbag, even when i got hit by his hudge camera in de jeep because he was so excited or when he prepared everything in the tent so we could have a good sleep, i was understanding more and more why we get along so well together…i thing we are a topteam 😁

After the safari we rented this private ecobungalow for one night before going to the beach, to have some comfort again. Unfortunately the bungalow only had cold water, and was also pretty basic πŸ˜ƒ, but waking up in this big bed with a matras without sleepingbag but a blanket and hudge mosquitonet, waking up with the noise of birds around us made us happy to wait another day for the wifi and hot waterπŸ˜‰.

I already have a little while this pain in my elbow on my arm, were they removed my lymph nodes last year. In the hospital a month or 2 ago they told me it is a tennisellebow. It is pretty painfull and don’t go away. When i do things like for example sitting in a bumpy jeep holding my cameramit only makes this worser again. Maybe i need to take more pills again but I don’t like that 😬. I am getting used since chemotherapy that always something comes poping up. Mostly of the time i am good in ignoring pain so this will not disturb my mood mostly of the time. Especially not on a safari πŸ˜πŸ‘πŸ˜. But sometimes i still need time to accept the new ‘me’. The one after fightig breastcancer. Before while i was traveling i had such an energy. Now i still need to give the energy i have, to what i like the most because i get tired faster. This is not a problem but just a change. Also being more weak is something i have now, getting so easily infections or stomachproblems… People tell me sometimes this is ‘normal’ they also have this but i know myself before and i never had nothing during travelling i ate everything and did so much . I was so happy with who i was the past years, than this happend and i changed again, this while i finally started to find my way. But i also like the new ‘me’ and i feel lucky that i had to stay in Belgium and that i met my boyfriend next to all that!

After the safari we flew to Zanzibar. We went to enjoy the iland a few days before going back. Renting a scooter, going snorkeling,… some more amazing memories we made there. We got some more adventure , almost going down with out little boat on our way back from snorkeling, when suddenly a storm came up. These moments that making you more feeling that you are alive when you passed themπŸ˜ƒ. I feel so happy and I can’t wait for what is coming more !

We are Wednesday today, i am back home in Malaga. Monday i got my surgery to fix my breast. They put me asleep to do a liposuction. Taking some fat of my sides to fill up the hole i had in my breast. Because of the less fat i have on my sides, they hade to search a little and my belly and back are looking pretty blue and purple now. It feels painfull😬. Also i have to wear this trousers that are very tight and that are pushing even more on the purple bruises. My breast also hurts a bit but all of this was totally worth it! Because it looks very good done to me πŸ˜ƒ. Incredible that this is fixed. I never looked at it after gotting removed that tumor, i didn’t like it. But now I appreciate having two ‘Full’ breasts again and i will look sometimes at it, very happy πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜. This surgery was totally different than all the once i got last year. It was fast done and it had nothing to do with tumors! But being in this hospitalbed, wearing the skirt, getting ready for surgery ,these things made me remember a little again all these things that happend already. This fixing surgery, should be the last 🀞.

When people sometimes tell me about there friends that have cancer and how serious it is what they have , i sometimes are wondering if they tell me this to make me feel better ? Our to share with me that other people also have it? I sometimes dont know how ‘serious’ mine is. When it is ‘serious’. When i go to some doctor for something and they look at my fille in the computer, they look mostly ‘serious’. But I don’t think it is serious anymore because all is gone… al tumors are gone. But is everything gone? Or will it stay away? I have no idea and sometimes i still don’t understand how i come from: being healty to getting cancer. Hearing i have cancer in the last stage, so thinking just a little while i might die and than ‘healing’ again. A rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. When people ask me how it is now i don’t know how to discribe it and i answer that all is stable now πŸ˜ƒ, because i get checked every 3 months i feel like i can never say ‘healed’.

I made everything i passed looking not that hard, i kept smilling even after hearing the news i had cancer, metastases, i did 4 surgery’s, chemotherapy, immunotherapy, radiotherapy, i got an abces in my breast inbetween, i do had a lot of pain that year. But smilling is my medicine and helped me passing it all. I was not ready to face that i am sick but i wanted to ignore.

During chemo i had only energy to go drink one coffee outside with someone for maybe one hour, it took me more than one houre to shower, put my fake hair, some color on my face to look ‘healthy’. Than i went outside and tried to feel ‘normal’. I didn’t mention this i only wrote it in my blog. This helped me during that period. But now i am ready, i take time to think and feel, to be angry sometimes or scared. I realise i wasn’t always honest about my feelings during treatments not to others but even not to myself. I was just not ready yet for that, not prepared. I adapted to that situation, i fighted a lot against tiredness, but that was to me the best method to pass it that time. Now i still try to find a bit my balance in life. I try to listen more to my body and feelings but also i try to not lose that part of me that just passes everything and smile. Finding balance in life is so hard to me. I fall easily in extremes. Not to less, not to much, not easy. That is why i got an eatingdisorder in the past, to less… but also that falling in extremes made me do good things like going on a very long travell, alone a few years ago.

In a few weeks i go to India on a meditation retreat. From time to time i need this to help me finding my balance. Meditation is just living in the moment and stop thinking about the past, future. In other words meditation is feeling you live, now. Realising where you are, who you are what is happening on that moment around you and all of that with trying to just breathe and not thinking..hmmπŸ˜‰, that is why i need to keep doing itπŸ˜‰. I couldn’t live without this anymore.

i was on a roalercoaster but i think my whole life is a rolercoaster, many changes and i like it like that, i us cancer now as something that makes me even feel more alive, and that is an amazing feeling…

When i think back about the past weeks i can’t still believe i went on this amazing Safari and i feel like i didn’t even realise enough how beautiful it was when we were there on that moment!

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