I didn’t wrote for a while now, so many things happend already again.
We were busy making this house our home. My boyfriend and i went many times to ‘Ikea’. Because we needed more things than we expected. I am not fan of going shopping but with my boyfriend shopping can be nice. After taking the trolly we decided to drink our coffee 😃. We stayed untill 22.30 untill it closed. I don’t know if we were slow our if we are to distracted , it was exhausting but fun anyway. I love how he can be like me, trying to make the best out of the day also with things we don’t like that much.
We are a top team to me, even he almost hit my head with a long carpet after turning and aso i almost lost my eye during making ikeafurniture 😃. Also i put his hand between the boxes during loading into the car. At the end this are the funny moments. It was an intens week. We worked and talked a lot again to. He always makes me feel so much. Also sometimes things are happening with him and then he showed his anger our sadness, it makes me feel mine to. I sometimes feel now, how i pushed all the hard moments away last year.
I think back sometimes on moments that happend during treatments. In the relation i have to think back again to explain him why i do something in a certain way our why i react in a certain way. When i think about why, i go back in time So being in a relationship helps me to reflect on myself a lot. It can be nice but also confrontating.Than i finally feel the pain that i never felt last year. The only difference is that now I have someone by my side to pass all this again and process it. So it is less scary. Once when he got a bit frustrated for things i explained him why i almost never get frustrated or why i almost don’t have expectaitions so also not to much dissapointments.
During my travelling i never knew where i was going, some people told me sometimes about the place but i never could imagine how it was untill i was there. When i tried to imagine it was totally different anyway. So i got many dissapointments untill I tried making less expectations. sometimes others hate a place and told me it is not nice but i loved it because of the wetaher that was maybe different, the people i met in that place. Liking a place depends not only On the place, also all the other aspects, like people, weather, how you feel on that moment…. Or maybe they loved it and i was sick when i went so i didn’t like it to much.
Last year i got dissapointed so much to, hearing i have cancer, hoping it was not to bad, than hearing i had metases. Hoping to get no chemo but needing it to survive. Thinking my treatments where almost finished and getting complications again so cancelling trips i looked forward to. I think the most crazy news i got was that i was in the last stadium of cancer! Hearing they will help me as much as they can and finally getting better again! Also being dissaponted that maybe i couldn’t go live anywhere else anymore than Belgium when they told me i needed some treatments my whole life. So i stopped making expectations because it always change so fast.
Last year i was busy writing my letter witch music i want to have on my funiral instead of thinking what i want to compleet the next coming year. Now my boyfriend and i are creating a cosy home together. I lived in the moment and only in the moment the whole year last year. I still live in the moment but i see how it comes less again and i start think a little but more in the future. But if i really want to enjoy and feel happiness i need to realise i am where i want to be on a moment and that i do what i prefer to do. And i am still doing this to. If i remember myself to do this, i feel totally happiness. Sometimes when i spend moments with my boyfriend i can be a bit quiet for a bit, than i see us from a distance. Like i watch out movie. It gives me a great feeling, seeing us together putting this furniture together our sitting in the sofa with candles and fire, enjoying being together. When i look at it from a distance i get very warm inside and i go quickly back to the real moment to be with him again 😁. Also last week in Hollidays his children came home to Spain. We shared so many nice moments that i looked at sometimes from a distance ,that it looked at like we where in a movie. They were so beautiful that they almost looked not real. On these moments i feel so thankful for life. It are great new experiences i get to feel. The feeling of sharing cosy momente, but also the quitnees after and the feeling of missing.
I also learned to give priority to things i really like to do, than things i think i need to do. I decided to not continue some treatment what made me think about the difference of ‘living’ and ‘staying a life and survive.’ The last one sounds so hard that i don’t see the reason in it to continue, so i choose to live. Living to me is feeling that i am here.
We live in a house now on a mountain with a seaview and mountainview , the sun. I think a dream of many people. Having a person to love, to take care of and to let take care of you.to share this hapiness with. Living in a place where birds sing all day, were sun shine almost every day and where people are friendly around you. Where you can find peace and rest, where you can make your head empty and realise that a lot of worries inside your head are not important because you are here and you have all you need.
Sometimes when i feel less happy i start again being bussy with my eatingdisorder instead of feeling the bad feelings,because i don’t realise on that moment that i feel nervous about something or feel bad. Than my boyfriend feels i am doing different and i tell him what i did to have controll. I could never tell that to anyone before even i didn’t notice myself i was doing this things to controll my weight. I am always shy to tell these things i did to controll my weight. But he always react so good that i stopped being shy for it . Also when i tell him the things i did it makes me see that i just do this like a routine, already many years now. Not really to find controll anymore so that means that if i am aware i will stop doing this because i do this things automatic when i feel bad so when i realise this on the moment itsels i will stop doing them and just talk about it to my boyfriend. So maybe this eatingdisorder will leave totaly at some point. I see it a bit like a good thing now, it is like a sign when i try to find controll that something is wrong with me and than i look what the reason is and i can talk about it or just feel bad about it.
For xmas i flew with my boyfriend to Kinshasa. Not to visit but to be with him for xmas because he had to fly. i had the most white xmas ever and saw so many little xmaslights around me 😁I am happy wherever we are, we are the headplayers of my movie, as long as we are together the other things around us are just the scenery and can change. but i enjoyed i lot being 2 days with him in the hotel and spending time with the crew, celebrating xmas together. All very nice people again.
After we came together to Malaga with his children. I never experienced to spend time like this, in a familly. We spend so many nice moments together. Children also reminding me to live in the moment. It is like they always maken the best out of a moment. I feel sharing my life is sharing my energy and not keeping it for myself. Sometimes i get tired faster but i get reward so much afterwards and it gives me so much new energy to. I felt so much love amd warmth this week.Before shoppingAfter
I still have sometimes pain in my body. Like my neck and head, because of a neck surgery. I also got a tenniselbow and some other little things because my immunesystem is weaker than it was before treatments. Because of that indon’t have that same energy anymore like before. I accept this but still i get sometimes frustrated for this. Because i want to do more in my day but i am sometimes so tired that i need to accept it and stop doing things. Mostly i am ok with that because i learned to enjoy ‘being more lazy’. And feel like taking energy again is also ‘usefull ‘.
If i never got all the struggles i got before i would never felt the hapiness i feel today. I would never be where i am now and be with ho i needed to be. I don’t know how life goes in a certain way but i love following my way in life with all the adventures on my way. The good and the bad moments that are making me feel alive. Whatever is coming, i know that it will always be oke.
I am passing many fears for the moment: stop running away, having a home, a relationship, (i wouldn’t call it routine like our life can be chaotic, but i just love it this way)working on my annorexia, finally accepting the fear of cancer,.. and i can already tell you that i feel the benefits so hard of passing these fears, i also see sometimes that i didn’t had a reason to be scared of some fears.
I hope all people who are thinking they want to have some more change in there live, they never stop trying to do it. To change some habits and make time to change, to realise some dreams. Even it are just little things like starting to paint, dance ,…making time to relax, walking more in nature.
Because today is the future of yesterday and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.