My excited life

After doing a PET scan and bloodtest in hospital they told me the results where good. The scan happend on a Thursday, they put this radioactive thing in your body and you have to wait in a sofa for an hour without reading or W. Just ww, so w fluide can go in your body. In wthis moment i got many memory’s back from last year.

I felt again how i had no idea what they were doing and also why they do this. I never think to much with doing scans or tests and i never ask to much about it because i always just wanted to know if i am ok or not. We went on Thursday and only got the results from my gynaecoloog om Mondag. This time i am always a bit more nervous, also because, this time i have this pain in my head that is coming from my neck where they removed a tumor and also in my arm where i got removed my lymph nodes. Normally i am busy, the time i am waiting on results but this pain reminded me that something in my body is wrong and i couldn’t be that busy doing things.

I felt so lucky having my boyfriend with me in this period. I saw how this waiting also gived a bit of tention to him so now i saw from close how cancer not only affect the patients but also there close ones. On the other side it gived me a good feeling that i was not alone.

On Monday my Oncologist told us that the scan was good and that i probably had a tennisellebow, what gives the pain in my arm, she made me an appointment for an echo. Also i had an appointment with the neurologist who did my surgery lasy year in my neck to see why i could have that pain. I felt relieved there are no new tumors but also a bit annoyed that i didn’t got a solutions for they pain because the headache was pretty heavy and also the neck and armpain. That week i had to go many times to hospital again. This just the week before moving to Spain. But better they help me fixing myself before leavingπŸ˜‰.

My boyfriend had some questions for my oncologist when we went for the results, this questions made some things more clear for me to.

Last year doctors told me many things about my cancer but i was not open to listen to much, so much happend that i just followed what inhad to do to become better. Now she explained him again why i have the hormone therapy and that i had this metastase , so cancer went trough my blood but for the moment on the scans everything looks fine. This because they removed all, the tumor in my breast, my lymphnodes that were affected and the metastase to. Just because cells are very little and not always to see on a scan i will keep checking regularly. Even after 5 year, when they call you ‘ cancerfree’ again (if you had no problems anymore during this 5years, they day the chance to have something again is the same like everyone), they will still keep controlling me regularly because of the metastase.

Especially also because there is one therapy i could have every 3 weeks that could be an extra protection, that i decided not to continue.

i would need to go to hospital for this every 3 weeks, because i react allergic on it and i need also premedicine to take this therapy that makes memfeel a bit strange, i decided to quiet this. I already have the protection of the hormontherapy and the test to follow me up everytime. So if somthing comes up i will have fast help and maybe some radiations can make it disapear again. So with or without that extra therapy they will follow me up. This gives me the feeling that everything is ok and that cancer will not have the chance to do any crazy things anymore with me πŸ˜‰.

The day after we went to my neurologist who did nthe surgery in my neck. He told me that the iron plate they pute in my neck is still on the good place so this is not a problem but sometimes i can have some pain because of that surgery. Now i take painkillers and musclersrelaxing medication for a few weeks and it should go better. I hope, because i ignore the pain but especially in the morning it is a bit heavy. Also i need to drive many hours soon to Malaga.The echo from my arm i also did that week on Thursday and they saw it is the start of a tennisellebow so i need to do some exercise. Yes it was a busy hospitalweek again. This just before we move to Spain. Just before i will drive 2000km with the little car we just buyed together πŸ˜ƒ.

In that week we also drove to Brussels to pick up my visa to go to Congo with xmas. My boyfriend has a flight to Kingshasa that dates and we would like to spend the holliday together so i will join. it will be only for 2 days but we needed to fill in a lot of paperwork and i needed an invitationletter. But this makes it even more excited to go. Went we went with all the papers to the consulat in Brussels, after my boyfriend helped me filling in all this letters, we arrives but i forgot the most important thing …my pasport to put the visa insideπŸ˜‚πŸ˜±.

Yes this is me.. i forget so much. I saw my boyfriend felt disapointed that we filled in all this papers and drove to Brussels but that i didn’t had my pasport sonthat everything wouldn’t be fixed yet. On the way back i explained him why i don’t get stressed to fast anymore or disapointed and how i am so used to situations changing the whole time. I told him i will go the day after again to Brussels but this time with the papers en my pasport.

I told storys i never was thinking about anymore untill now, like that i got this surgery in my neck, how i woke up not knowing if i still had my voice , feeling if my eyes were still doing great… because they told me before about some possible complications with my voice or eyes . But i woke up, i saw , i spoke and i had this moment of happines.

Also i told about the abces i had in my breast. After one year of treatments, chemo, surgerys, radio.. I was on my last radiations before finishing everything and leaving to travel again. But at some point i had so much pain in my breast. Nurses told me it could not be from the radionts and they told memthat maybe mentally it became hard for me because it were my last radiations after going long time every day to the hospital for this. I told them i felt pain and that mentally i felt pretty okay. On that moment i felt like nobody listend to me that i had pain. They told me maybe i should go to my gynaecologue , maybe it had somethimg to do with the breastsurgery for the tumor in the past. She didn’t see anything. I was alone woth a lot of pain. At some point i couldn’t anymore i was exhausted and my doctor of radiotherapy sended me to do an echo. They saw i had an abces in my breast. It pushed so hard and they needed tomooen thismin another surgery. Again a surgery after so many πŸ™„. They also had to stop the raditions untill this was solved. I had one week to go and i had finished normally.

But again everything changed

The evening before i had to go to hospital for the surgery the abces already ‘exploded’ and i went with my budy jolien to emergency. It was strange to see this but on the other side i felt relieved, the tension of the abces was gonne. I stayed in hospital and still needed the surgery. After i needed a month to heal from this, i walked with a machine by my side to make the process go faster so i could go travell because of the chemo inwas weak and the healing would take even 3 months or something without that machine. The machine was with a sponge that was inside the wound and was like vacuum to help making the ‘hole’ inside my breast closing faster. I was almost finished all my treatments, still one week normally of radiations and i went living my life again. But instead inwas stuck in Belgium with this machine and this in wintertime. I felt so much anger inside but anyway i made the best of it. A friend came and we did little trips in Europe, the wounddoctor helped memfind solutions so i could make this little trips, he was very nice! I forget fast names but his i didn’t forget , i felt so thankfull he helped me to keep doing this little trips.

This storys i told just to explain how i don’t care anymore to fast if plans change, injust don’t make to much expectatikns anymore so i don’t get disapointed. I got disapointed so much that year that i stoped expectations and see how things are going. If they go different than i want, ok no problem, i will find a way to enjoy that time different πŸ˜‰. As long as i don’t have pain on that moment there is no problem, because i learned that pain is he hardest thing to be in the way of ‘enjoying moments’ and ‘hapiness’.

So on the way back, after telling this story’s, my boyfriend didn’t care also anymore i forgot the pasport. and i think he also enjoyed the moment, to just be together talking in the car. At the end i drove one time more to brussels than needed but i have the visa and we will spent our xmas together in Africa! I am so happy for this 😍.

Another story is that i left Sunday 8/12 with our little πŸ‹(that is the name of our car) to Malaga from Belgium. My boyfriend had to work so i drove with our car 2000km with all my life inside πŸ˜ƒ. All my belongings. It was an experience. So many emotions i had on the way. Hapiness, fear. Hapiness to finally go home after running away 3 years and travelling around the world. Finally peace. Also fear to do this because normally when i get scared i take my backpake and move but now i will need to find another distraction if i get scared of life. I could never do this without my love. He helped me so much, looked if the car was ready to leave, putted al things inside,… also i could never win my fear of running away without him. Now when i get scared i always think i am not alone anymore and than it feels like everything is ok, even better, it feels like i am realising another part of my dreams. And of course it is not because we go live in Spain that we can’t travell anymore, even better now i will share all this experiences with somebody.

It was his bday on the 8th of december so i pretended the 7th i was ready to go with the car and his daughters and me did a surpriseparty in the evening, also we could do this thx to his friend who helped. I didn’t left in the morning and hided myself during the day, preparing some things. Another beautiful moment in our life together that i will never forget. I also loved preparing the surprise with his daughters, they are so sweet! Hmmm… i am realy sooo happy.

On the way to Malaga i saw so beautiful landscapes. Mountains, snow, eagles, vinyards, olivefarms, the closer i was the more suny it came. I drove 3 days, stopped in some little hotels on the way and met some nice people. I told them our story that we go live on this mountain with this amazing view and felt everytime the hapiness again.

Another adventure i got on my way was that i got stopped in France by 2 douanepolice to have a controlle. They asked me a lot, where i go, why, my job… a bit later also 2 other police arrived, they toke out all my things and put it on the street, and it is a lot!inhad to wait one hour for the dog to come to do a drugcontrolle, another 2 police, they were standing there with 6. They took out all my belongings that my boyfriend putted so nice in the car like a puzzle. Haha what an experience again. Between all this people they took me to stop. Bit they were friendly and the dog was nice toπŸ˜ƒ. When they were ready, inwas driving and laughing thinking about this. I stopped a bit further to put everything good again because they just putted all my stuff back quickly. I like how i always have this experiences that are making my life exciting πŸ˜‰. Because of that i drove 2 hours longer to come to my first sleepingstop. I had to drive in the dark and was so tired that i felt 2 times as happy to arrive to the stop πŸ˜‰.

Now i am already 2days home. I love it so much here. I am writing now, laying in the couch with this view of the sea. The window open. Some wind and a lot of sun. Birds singing. Reflecting to all this moments…. yes this is it. I wouldn’t wish anything different in my life for the moment. It feels like perfect, so perfect that i sometimes feel a but scared because it is like it can’t get any better anymore.

Next week my boyfriend comes to share this happiness with before we go to Africa.πŸ‘

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