A lot of feelings

I sometimes think: now i understand why everything went this way. I never stood still by my feelings, by the things that happened to much I just past it, without feeling to much. I got anorexia in the past, i just past it and continued, i got cancer, i did my treatments without really standing still what all of this did with me. But now i have somebody by my side and i learned so much more about myself during the last years, learned how i can feel totaly free , i am ready to let all the ‘scary’ feelings be there because that was the reason why i didn’t feel to much because i was scared to feel. I am very good in blocking my emotions. I can handle a lot of pain for example because i learned during my life how to block feelings, this is nice to do with the ‘Bad’ feelings but sad to miss all these nice feelings. Last weeks i meditate and felt so much anger, sadness and fear from the past, but also i feel so much love and joy during meditation. I learned that it is ok to feel this ‘bad’ feelings because it is totaly worth opening myself to also feel the hapiness of the good ones.

Meditation helps me so much with all this. I just meditate and breath, i concentrate on my body and what i feel. I just let all the feelings i have , be there. Because i do this now already for a bit it is like i can look at myself and my feelings from a distance. My boyfriend is also a big help in this. He learned me already so much by just being who he is, showing his emotions. Sometimes when i tell hem something intens, i tell it like i always do, like it was nothing but than i see that for him it is like a storie with many emotions. Than later on another moment when i think back on this moment that i told him something for example about my cancer, and he had almost has tears in his eyes, than, the moment i think back i can finally cry for this to. He showes me that it is ok to cry, to not always feel happy. I was first scared to show also my ‘darker’ side , the moments i don’t feel like smilling, or sharing energy because I don’t have myself. In the beginning i only wanted to be together on the moments that i was smilling and full of energy. But i realised that infact the moments i feel the opposite, are the moments i need someone even more by my side.

It is amazing what we have together i feel like we are learning so much from eachother and also that it is just ok to be totaly ‘me’ with him.

in life whatever somebody does, i never think it is ‘strange’ i don’t like that word to much. I prefer ‘different’. We just all have or own ways of beiing ‘us’ and i don’t think i should expect that this will be the same as how i am and how i am doing with somebody else. I sometimes think why somebody else is doing different than me because maybe i can learn something from it like i see now with my boyfriend. Sometimes, the way he is doing things is for example more efficient than my way i think or do something.

I am reading this book: the 4 agreements. It is so interesting and tells how we all together , each live in our own dreamworld. And that we take to much things personal and worry to much about what others are thinking about us. I think everyone should read the book to help themself to feel more free. There are different ways to try to do these things in the book. I choose the way to think that you will die soon. I think we all will die ‘soon’. i feel like i almost died in the past and i think i will die soon so this was the most easy way to me to try to use the 4 agreements😉.

They are:

Be impeccable with your words, what means tell the truth

Don’t take anything personal. Just do your best.

Don’t make assumptions. What means that you should not start thinking in other peoples place.

And just do your best.

We also talked already about me having cancer. Now i see how this also can affect the people around me and that ‘ having cancer’ is not something that you cary alone. If we talk about this together i think we both even realise more how happy we are together. Maybe that is also what makes is do things so easily, like starting a life together in Spain. So that is the good thing about having it, it remembers you that you will die one day. We all will but sometimes we forget this i think and we live like we are immortal. But living is the way between being born and dieing, how we fill up this time inbetween is our choice, our at least some big part of it is filled with our choices and decisions i think.

Sometimes i have to admit, i still think back about that i wanted to move to South America but i would never have had all i have now when i moved to Mexico. So i still think about it but i don’t regret nothing from how my life went like it did. I am so happy. Anyway i almost never regret nothing that happened in my life. It made me who i am now and i am very thankful for that🙏. I hope many people in the world feel sometimes the hapiness i feel because the feeling is amazing. And i chose to change a bit of direction but i know that we are having the controlle about our steering wheel so that everything always gone bee alrigt because i think i became a good driver over the years😉.

I am on the airplane for the moment on my way back to Belgium after an amazing week in Spain together with my boyfriend😍. Making our dream come true and also enjoy our life together😁.We just went looking our house together that we will rent. It is a house in an amazing place. On the top of a mountain, one side the view of the mountains, the other side the sea. To me it is a place where you find rest and also a place that gives me a lot of energy. Lovely people living there, places to do yoga around, good weather, fresh 🥭 😍other fruits and vegetables. And that person that completes me around. Sounds like heaven 😁. Of course from time to time we will travel because there is still so much to discover. When my boyfriend is working or in Belgium, there will be still guests around because we will rent out a room. Also everyone who is reading this: pleas feel free to come visit! It is a big house so always space for one or 2 more ❤️. Also the people that are living there that we met so so far are just lovely. The owner grows avocados , oranges and has chickens, what means fresh eggs 😁. I already proposed to help a little, looks nice to be busy with my hands in the nature. I can’t wait to move👏.

i will enjoy also these moments that i will be probably totally on my own. That are sometimes the moments that i write , feel, appreciate things even more that i have. Also i need this moments because i learned that i am bad with feelings. When something happens i don’t always show the emotions i have in that moment. Because i am so used in the passed to block them. I learned to feel them but i am still working on that. So when i am alone i try to think a bit back on the moments of the last days or weeks and how i feel about all the things that happend in this moments.

I have to admit since i have relationship i also feel much more happy when i live in Belgium. But i think if you are with your head in the clouds everywhere the sun shines because your haerd is overflowing with warmth😁.Maybe also because nice things happened. Like my little nephew that just got on this world😍. He is so cute!

by this al feel like also saying thank you, i wish i could tell this to my mother that i had to say goodbye to when i was a little kid. But somewhere on this moments of hapiness i still feel her in some way maybe because i just am a part of her because she made me. And also thank you to my sweet father who would do anything for me ❤️

now i can accept better my emotions i also feel less anger when i am in Belgium on situations. Just the weather still sucks a little to me because i loooive the sun so much ☀️ 😁.

Next week i have a bloodtest for my cancer, i am pretty sure all will be oke but i have to admit that i am a little nervous for this and i think every 3 months i will be. Because i have to admit i am not scared of death, but also i am so happy now that i feel like i want to enjoy this for longtime. Sometimes when i feel that happy, i also get this fear that i live in a dream and that i will wake up soon. Anyway i think we never feel like it is the right time for things we like less so this feelings i can live with next to all these nice ones i have.

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