I feel alive more then ever

In this blog i want to write about how i feel after almost one year finishing al my treatments.

For the moment i live back in Belgium for a while because i decided to work on myself a little before leaving again. In december i move to Spain, my plan changed again but this time because of good things. I already had amazing moments back here. But that is not where i want to write about. Or maybe later 😊.

I am working a bit on myself because i feel that this eatingdisorder is not totaly gonne yet. I still want to much control and i didn’t see why. I go talk to my psychologist almost every week for a month or 2 untill i move to spain. She knows me very well after many years i think and it helps me a lot. But the conversations are very emotional to me. One of the reasons that i still need that control somewhere about the food is because i am scared as hell of that cancer but i didn’t realise that. I past the last year of treatments like it was nothing. I talk about it without any problem. But i never read my blogs again after writing, especially the first ones. I was not ready to have the confrontation and to let the feelings be there because when i read them again i realise it is my story and that the last year was just crazy!. Once during my treatments last year, somebody made a podcast about my blog and i had to read a piece of my blog in the microphone. It felt very strange doing that, when i wrote again a piece i was realizing that it is more heavy then i was pretending or than i was excepting.

I have cancer and i was not ready to see this. But i will start rereading my own blog and accept the scary bad feelings. Because it is something that happened in my life and it was an intense experience. I have this hormontherapy every month that keeps reminding me about this and other little things but i was so good in ignoring all this untill now. i realise i should not push the feelings away because one day or another this will hit me back in my face very hard. I did the same when my mother died when i was 8, i never took the time to process this and crie a lot about it or talk about it but that was one of the reasons that gived me this eating-disorder and i just want to get ride of it so bad! It keeps following me and it can be so sneaky that i even don’t see it myself that it is still there. Luckely i get some help with this again for the moment of my psychologue because i feel that i can make it go away but i need to work on that and be very aware of it , that is why reflecting on myself helps a lot and maybe writing again can be good.

It is scary, knowing that they told me i was in stage 4 of cancer. The last stage before dying and i pretended like it was nothing. Than i got many surgeries and therapys and i felt back to the other stage ,3, that is the stage without having metastases. That means that i came from having cancer that was spread out to having breastcancer because they removed everything with surgerys. But it still went trough my blood so that stays a very scary thought and i don’t know what that means for my body. I Also Somewhere i still have that feeling that i can die every next day and i am scared to miss out on all the beautiful things i still want to do and to leave the people behind that i love.

On the other side i also feel gratefull, the cancer makes me feel like i am alive. I can have this intense moments of luck just in small things like watching the sky. Also because of all what happend i am where i am now in life. Because of all what happend in my life i got to see the world, and i still get to experience the feeling of being totaly in love. This was even not on my to do list in my head but if i knew how great this was i would have put it on the top😍😃.

i feel like whatever happens or wherever i am, it is ok because he is with me.

It is like the time flys when we are together or just don’t move. It feels like my heard is glowing so strong that i need to give some of his heat away. I just love it and it helps me to be ready to face the scary things. He helps me to face my fears just with being here, in my life❤️. If everything didn’t turns like it did i would never had rent an airbnb room in Ghent in his house and met this amazing person. Lucky me again. My life feels really like a movie to me.

Never thought i could let come somebody so close to me. That i could open myself so easy for somebody like this and show not only my strong positive side but also my weakness. I always asked my friends how it feels to be in love, because i only understand things when i experience and never believed i could experienced this myself. Now i found a best friend, lover, travelmate, … all i have in different people just in one person, amazing! Lucky me..again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s