Some anger😬…

In my last blog i wrote i was sick for a month. i am in Playa del Carmen now, i wanted to enjoy my last days Mexico. I was so happy after the last few weeks being so sick in travelling that the problem was almost finished. I felt good for a week, could drink a beer, eat what i want, just go outside to do stuff without being worried that my belly get upset, have social contact again. I could be ‘me’ for a little again, meeting peolple, smilling. I met some friendly Costarican i hanged out with. We planned to visit some things around the next week.But then after being good the past week, it started to come back. I felt very nautious, could not eat everything anymore only some bread. I started having this strange taste in my mouth again and a few days later my belly hurted again, a lot. I have to sit close to the toilet again and save my energy for that . No visits for me anymore, no smilling and being social. But being tired, frustrated and very enoyed with all the peolple making noises in the building i stay, crying, screaming, slaming with doors…i just want rest now and quietness😬. It is really frustrating because normally I don’t get enoyed or angry so fast.

I can live with having this problem a week, or like i had it before, once a month. But now i have this already a full month. I can’t come outside to see people, i just feel to bad also walking outside, everything start hurting in my belly, i have pain in my stomach and i just get dehydrated so i have to drink a lot even it only makes me go more to the toilet. I am tired because of this and also it makes me feel very lonely. Normally i don’t complain but this time i really had to write this of me and complain against my phone !!

I never imagined that i just wanted to fly back one day. But i just want somebody helping me with this problem because i can’t do anything and it feels like I don’t have a life for the moment, just resting and eating and drinking to stay a life 😃.

I will be so happy only already with just knowing what this is, so it can be solved. After this i will appreciate again just feeling good and go eating and drinking what i want! I miss coffee so much.😁

I know I shouldn’t connect this problem with my cancer, but i do it anyway. It makes me angry in the treatments i did last year. I feel they really made me weak. I travelled so long before i had cancer, went to so many countries around the world and i almost got nothing of problems with my body.

It makes me realise i have anger inside because of what happened last year because i needed to change my life so much sinds then. During that year and also after, i was never like before. And all of that when i was just in the part of my life that i finally started to stop changing things of the past but accepted all the things and focused myself on the future and the things i could do, also i liked the person i was. All of that was like changing after i got the news i had cancer. I had to restart many things again, looking at the future again but from a different me.

I am a positive person, so i focused on the things i still could do, during treatments, after treatments. But even if i was living ‘this future’ i focust myself on, and trie to keep enjoying and doing what i like, i kept and still keep struggling with so many physical problems who also are giving me some mentally problems again. It is hard to stay a happy and positive person like that because it is asking energy and for the moment i don’t have to many of that. As i am sick and this takes a lot of my energy and this also stop giving me opportunities to do things that are giving me energy.

Sooo i waited maybe a little long again, but i think i just have a higher level now and i am more used to live with some pain or physical struggles so maybe that is also why i tried to wait for this to leaves a bit long. After having removing a tumor in my neck or having an abces in my breast that at some point hurded so much because of pressure and ‘Explode’ 😃, and some other experiences i had the last year, i thought i could have this for a bit, this is because my style (the thing that makes my life so beautiful)is trying to ignore things and not focus on bad things but this is getting impossible now so it is time now to fix this 😉.

Because my dreams before where to do things, learning a lot about life trough exploring, i wanted to make something out of my time here our do things that makes me feel satisfied but i notices to that if you physical not feeling healthy, when you are sick or have pain our when your energy is so low all of this doesn’t matter the only thing i want is to feel good, have energy , not having pain in my head our belly, having strenght. Apparently i need to be patient, so i am dealing with this years that are not that nice and try anyway to make the best out of it, i admit it is not all that dark in my life 😃 i am still having some amazing moments!! But just 3 times less than before!

I had a bit of a hard time, was a bit lost in life, like many people have once in there life, that is what created this eatingdisorder in the past. I accepted help to deal with this and learned to love myself and live my life surrounded with things that are giving me energy and making me happy. This was working out very good, the 2 years after i was having the time of my life, meeting people, sharing experiences, volunteering and learning so much!i was making my wishes real, now the wishe i have is just to be physically good but i hope it is getting better than this and that i can have other wishes again than just having back a strong body. I just don’t make them because it is like i will need a lot more time to get that energy and i don’t want to disapoint myself that i can’t make my new dreams real. So i guess i need to be more patient …

But that don’t means i can’t enjoy my moments feelingn good of cours!😁

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