Maybe i do have some little problems?

I was busy working on myself. Challenging myself but i forgot maybe to pay attention on my physical health. I don’t know. It is hard to find a balance to not wory about my health but still paying attention.

Some mental things i do pay attention to, i practice to not run away from situations i don’t like, like i do a lot, but to try to solve them. And i am learning to talk more about how i feel about the situation. For example on my bday i arrived in the hostel, my work is to prepare breakfast for guests, not to clean their dishes from the day before. I arrived in the hostel, the kitchen was a mess, someone was sleeping in the livingroom because of some other problems. I was thinking of having a relax day but i started cleaning first before preparing the breakfast. I didn’t like this, also the last days there was a lot of noise in the hostel and i felt like i had to clean a lot more than i should. The owner was not there that week. I felt tired that morning and wanted to take a flight more early to oaxaca. I called the company to change the date, luckily it was to expensive to change. So i had to find another way to make this last week more relax for myself. I went inside and talked to the person who made the mess. The person explained why she was like this and she told she knows it is a problem of here. She just don’t realise so if nobody tells her she can also not try to change this things. Also the noise and other problems were better after talking to the right people. I almost runned away, but infact i just had to talk. Communication is so important. This situation made me realise that i do this a lot, when a situation get to complicated or it is not how i like it, i go. I will try to stop doing this, instead of turning my back and going the other side i will face the problems 💪😁.

One healthyproblem i started to pay attention to sinds i am in La Paz is that i sometimes feel like i am faling in a hole and i lose my sight for a bit than i need to sit down. I had this twice now, once while walking and once while biking. It scared me but once i felt normal again i ignored it and continue. Also some allergic i have on my neck. This became so itchy and feels like it burns so i went to see a doctor. They sended me to emergency. . I asked to take my blood because i had a feeling it is maybe an infection and not just allergie. I tried to explain the doc my history but i felt he didn’t really listen because he sayed that my bloodpressure was ok and my haert to. I asked to take blood but he told me that i just had to take pills and that it is an allergical reaction, the thing is he doesn’t know my whole medical history of the past years. He is probably right about the allergie. But i am taking this pills and they don’t really help me for the moment. I wrote my oncologe in Belgium to ask about the ‘losing sight’. She told me i should check my white bloodcells, that maybe they are to low.

Today i went to take blood in a laboratory. I got the results already. I am not totaly sure, as i never readed this results before and i just got them in an envelop. But like how i readed them, i think my red and white bloodcells are to low. The white cells protect against allergie and infections so that would be the answer maybe of my allergie, why it doesn’t leave, and my ‘ feeling strange’ and tired.

This makes me feel a bit angry. Because if this is the problem i know it is because of my weak imunosystem. And i know this is because of that chemotherapy i got. I would never do this again. People of the hostel, here in Mexico try to help me and say what i could eat of vegetables for the bloodcells, to make me better. I think it is sweat and it can help, but i know i will also need something stronger to get me better again. Some medical stuff, and i don’t like but hard things need to be solved with hard things i think. I don’t want to be so depended on medicin but sometimes i feel like i agreed to let me help like this and now there is no way back and the natural things i can only use additional i want to feel good.

I only know one thing, whatever is coming next, i will never do chemo again.

I want to enjoy my life again and not think about this but for the moment i am so tired and i don’t have to much energy to do things, maybe because of the bloodcells? And also i am so itchy. I still enjoy but it is hard to ignore this things like i would normaly do. Als the ‘ losing my sight’ is hard to ignore as i need to go sit dowm after this😉.

Next to that i still had an amazing bday. Even i could not drink because of the medicin the doc gived me for the allergie . I got spoiled with bananapancakes for breakfast, we went to the beach and eat more good stuff😁. A day at the beach here is always 👍. Also spending it with this sweat people over here makes me happy. Spending my bday in this place i feel ‘home’.

when i had to pick up the results in the lab i started cleaning the hostel😃. They asked me why i was cleaning , i didn’t had to work. I realised i was avoiding , like always find something to do and not think about things like this, not think to go get the results but that it was time to go… i was maybe scared it would be not good.

It is Saturday now. I don’t really know what to do with the results of that test and i guess my oncologe in Belgium wil only answer me Monday. I have a big headach but i am fighting against this feeling. Also i am still so itchy. As far as i saw it right, on the paper with the results, my white cells are to low and the red ones also a bit. But i am not sure as i am not a doctor so i want to wait to see what the doc says about the results and what i can do if i really don’t have enough cells. At least i would have an explenation why i feel like i feel and why the itchy feeling don’t want to leave.

i try to relax many times but i never do it for long😬.

This morning i woke up to prepare the breakfast in the hostel, it was my day to do this, i work together with another volunteer and we do the tasks together. I didn’t care it is my turn even i feel very tired. I want to be busy now because i have a feeling i will need to go to the hospital Monday and i don’t like that. So i look for distraction. After the breakfast i went with the other volunteer Imelda to the Malécon to bike and get a juice. Also we went to the market and hanged out at the hostel. Very busy😉.

I enjoy a lot here! But also it is so hard to give myself rest because i like doing a lot. But if this cells are really to low i should really give myself more rest. Also maybe be more carefull with hygiene, as i clean bathrooms sometimes and things like that.

I needed to work at the reception yesterdayevening(saterday). I wanted to look a movie while doing that but somebody came check in, people had questions and i talked again with people because i like that. But again i am busy. When i putted the movie on i couldn’t look to good anyway my eyes falling down. I think from Sunday i will need to stop fighting and give myself rest! We already planned with some people to go again to the movie to see ‘Aladin’ :), so that is a good start😉. I don’t want to think to much yet i have a flight on Wendesday..

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