Love to know more about ..me

My first days staying in La paz, i was never borred. I went to the Mallecon, the waterside to see some show, i went to the market to buy fresh food and cooked. Also always somebody to talk to in the hostel or to have some drinks with. or go watching the amazing sunsets right on the Malécon😍.

But most of all i walk a lot here. It is not to big but if you want to go from one place to another it can take you quiet a long time as the streets are longue and it is so hot!

So every evening i pass out early because i am always busy in the day. I am curious when i will be really bored because i always find something to do. But i also realised i just like to do things. It makes me happy to be active. There is nothing wrong with that. That was the hardest part of the chemo, losing the energy. And now i am enjoying getting it back. But i try to not go into the ‘to much’. Like for example yesterday i went hiking at the beach and this morning i wanted to go for a run. I started running with already some tension in my legs. Luckily their was some marathon happening on the Malecon so i went back, on the way back i realized that it is better to not go today and give my legs some rest. If this marathon was not happening i prob. would have pushed myself to run.

at the end, during the day i went walking a lot again πŸ™„. I have to admit i felt tired during walking and at some point i just wished to be in the hostel again. I think i really need to try to take it a bit more easy because i feel tired and i wanted to stay here to voluntary but also to rest and take more energy again so i can go travel next month with Jolien. I think the reason that i can’t sit still is because i want to be tired and sleep well. I don’t know why but also, even when i go sleep i am always awake early, like at 6. I don’t know why. But i believe i am still a bit afraid of being alone with myself and start working on myself, to make plans for the future. Or i don’t know why i can’t be busy with more relaxing things, maybe it is just how i am and i am a early bird. I need to discover that 😁. I will go to the cinema later to go sit still so i give my body some rest πŸ˜ƒ.

Always when i would start making plans i have this feeling it is a waist of time because i have cancer.

I am here a month because i will help in the hostel. So at some point i should start to gette bored πŸ€” .

I am still very happy to be here. The hostel, people, weather and the beaches. When i feel bad for a little or i need some time for me, i can put my hikkingshoes on and go hike at the beach. Nobody around me only this amazing landscapes. I did this yesterday and after the hike i felt already much better.

I like hikking to help me with this bad feelings that making me angry. But also i took time to think when i past down after the hike in the beach, why i had this anger. I think i had it because i had a moment i missed my family. And instead of just letting this feeling being there i try to push it away because i don’t like the feeling. Than i get angry instead, for something else that makes me believe that the feeling i have is ‘anger’, this time for example i was thinking i was angry for the boy that did a pie on my things. But infact it is another feeling, sadness or something. I didn’t really learn how to deal with sad or bad feelings in the past so i am still working on that. I think realising all of this is already a lot. Yesterday somebody that stayed in the same room, was drunk and pied on my things instead of going to the toilet. I was angry and made myself believe that this is why i wanted to go hikking and why i couldn’t deal with myself but than i realised that this is not the reason. Things like that happening and this guy didn’t realise what he was doing πŸ˜ƒ. So i was not angry for this, maybe only when it happend.

I met this girl in the room, she lost here father trough cancer. We started talking about this, on the day that i went to the doctor to put my 4 weekly injection.

That day i got also confrontated again with the fact that i have cancer, and that people can die from this. The girl i met, the injection. As other days i try to not think to much about that. I was a bit nervous to go to the doctor to put the injection. It is always another doctor that puts it and the way how they put it affects a lot how painfull it is. This time he asked me how it works and i got a bit nervous. But than when he readed the instructions he explained it to me because in fact it is good that i know also how, so i can always tell the doctor so it is finished fast and the good way that it is not painfull. I got already once that a doctor puted the needle in my belly and then he started looking the instructions 😬. While i was laying there with this big needle in my belly. When we talked about it i was thinking again that i should do this scan in July, a check, but i don’t want to think to much about it. Because i feel good for the moment! Luckily for this moments that i am good in finding distraction 😁.

For the moment i don’t have to much problems from the past therapys or the hormon one i still get. Only that i get sometimes pimpels and before not. Or that i am still faster tired. πŸ‘

Yesterday first i walked again to much. I felt so tired and with the sun instarted to even not see well anymore. That is when i realised i should listen more to my body. So i went in a cute mexican place for some tacos. the only salsa i trust that is not spicy is the salsa the tomate(ketchup)πŸ˜‚. Even they say some are not… they are πŸ˜ƒ

I walked back to the hostel and in the afternoon i went to the movie, not something i would do on a sunny day. But the thing is, it is always sunny here and the days are longue, so i pushed myself to go sit still and relax. At the end i enjoyed beiing with the aircon and the dark for a bit, i felt relax and it was cosy. The movie was also good, sad but good. After i was back in the hostel and had some good conversations with the boy working here. I love my actif days but i see that doing more ‘calm’ things can also feel good.

i don’t know how many people are still reading my blog. Because it is not only about me and the cancer anymore. But also just about me , living with cancer and also just about me keeping to get to know myself beter. If i write i am reflecting back and i discover new things about myself. Sometimes the things i write, like why i did what i did, i sometimes only discover while i am writing and i didn’t know myself before. Anyway i will keep sharing it, as i believe that the more we share sometimes we can also help other people with that, maybe just because they recoignoise things ore feelings and they also didn’t know why they have them or why they do something.

I believe the more we share in life the more easy we make it for ourself and everyone else ❀️. The more open we are the more easy it is to change things that you maybe don’t like. Open to listen to others, to put what you do and why in question. To let others be even you don’t understand why they are how they are. Don’t judge and maybe see what you can learn from that.

I also don’t believe in doing things in the bad way more in ‘there is no good or bad way’ it is all experiences.

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