I choose to live

I made it back in Belgium. My superbudy, Jolien πŸ˜ƒcame pick me up in Germany ass my flight was cancelled to Belgium. Lucky me. I toke a train to The border.

I arrived home, (in Joliens home), and got spoiled with this little chocolatesheeps and a basket full of fruits ass i love chocolate and fruits 😍. Sadly enough i still have this foodpoissening and i need to be carefull with food. But i had to taste at least the feets already πŸ˜ƒ.

Even i just travelled 2 days, in the evening i started doing laundry, making granola and many other little things. This because i was nervous. The day after, today, i had this hospitalday.

It started with a liquid they injected me to make a scan later. I had to go back their in 2 hours. Than i went upstairs to the dayhospital. There i first had an interview with a nice man for the paper of the hospital. Inbetween my doctor came in the room. The men left for a little.

I told my doctor i still have this stomachproblems from Mexico. So she decided to only give me one of my 2 products that i get for immunotherapy. Because the other one is the one where i need the premedication for and this medication also gives me sometimes stomachproblems so i could not handle more of that now πŸ˜ƒ.

So only one today. She told me from next time in 3 weeks i could have both products again for therapy and the premedication. That was the moment i had to tell it… what i was a bit nervous for. I told here i would come back one more time after i go to Guatamala. But than i decided i will not come back to Belgium anymore. I was nervous for nothing because she told me that she already looked into this and knew that in South America their is a hospital in Bolivia where they have the products. Also she started thinking with me about the options, if i could take the products with me, but this is not allowed so not an option. She would also look a bit more into it and let me know next time when i come back. She is also a very nice doctor!

For the other therapy i get, the anti hormontherapy, i can take a lot of injections with me and also the pills. So this is not a problem. I felt so relieved i told it, that i gived Jolien , who was with me, a big hug, before she left to her office to work there a bit. The men from the interview came back when the doctor left and asked why i was so happy, i explained him about my decision. Than we finished the interview and the nurses came to take my blood and pressure etc…

i felt so relaxed that afternoon, like something i somewhere already decided inside of me, finally i say it loud. I was not alone anymore with my choice. I was thinking in the beginning i could combine my therapy in Belgium with the life inwant abroad. But this is not possible. I saw this now, i arrived here from this long flight so tired, than i get therapy, 3 days to become good again and leaving again on another long flight. I would have maybe 2 weeks abroad and i would need to be back again. Like this i would always feel i have to travel fast because i don’t have time and i would be to much in the airplane.

And if i want to stay somewhere to work i couldn’t because i have to fly back for therapy. Like that i could not restart my live.

And if i have to chose, i chose to go live and not to stay in Belgium to stay a life. Because that was how the choice felt for me. How i saw it. And i decided to not keep doing this treatment in Belgium. I am not sure if i will ever manage to get it in other country’s in South America or Asia. Would be great, but If not, i will accept that. I hope i will be good without, and i promised myself if something new will happen i will not get angry, at least not on myself. Also i will let check myself in hospitals enough. I will still get the hormontherapy toπŸ‘.

We don’t know what will come, without treatment, with treatments so it is enough for me i tasted again a bit of life outside Belgium and i felt like home again very fast. I am to curious, and i am still looking for something, i still need to go discover what.

If i would stay in Belgium i would also feel like i am doing this thing i don’t want, and i don’t have control over anyway, doing it not for me. And maybe i would start looking for control again in my food and getting this problems with an eating disorder again. I never want to go back to that so that is another reason i choose to go.

After the nurses came i had to go back for the scan. Than i got the one product of my therapy in day hospital. After i had to stay until the evening because I had another scan than. But time went fast waiting for that, i met some of the sweet nurses on my way downstairs and we talked a bit about my decision. I will miss them. Downstairs in the store of the hospital i saw the doctor who toke care of my wound when i got my abces. Also i talked a bit with him and i could thank him again for the good care. It was like i met all the people on my way down that i wanted to see to close already this part of my live a bit. I will miss them πŸ€—πŸ˜Š.

I can imagine it will be hart for my family that i decided this because they want me to be ‘safe’ and protected by the doctors. This was one of the reasons why i was also nervous to stop doing the therapy in Belgium. Even i love them, I realised this is not enough reason. At the end, i need to live my life.

What can happen if i would not take this products anymore? Well nobody can answer this question. But neither they can answer the question what will happen when I continue the treatment. It is an extra protection that will be gone but i want to take that risk to live and be happy for how long that will be.

I wanted to give a goodbye drink to say goodbye to all my friends and thank them again for all the support they gived me and still gave me. But i don’t like to much saying goodbye and also i will still come back from time to time so it is not a goodbyeπŸ˜‰. So i decided i will not do this. I leave around the 13th of March definitely, so who ever want’s to catch up a bit before than,just text me to get a drink πŸ˜‰.

Tomorrow i need to call my doctor for the results of my scans but after all the therapies i just got the last months this should be ok. Of course i keep my 🀞, because otherwise plans will need to change again πŸ˜‰.

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