So i am going to finish the biggest part of treatments soon. This is something i should normally be really happy with. I am, but it is not that great like it looks like i think. I wanted to write i can totaly go live my life untill the fullest again. But it feels like i will still have some limitations. Not like it is a period i can close and i can be the old me again, i need to accept that getting cancer changed me in some ways and learn to except the new ‘me’. I didn’t know i would have it a bit that hard with this, starting with my new haircut i have now. I know people don’t see that my haircut is like the haircut of somebody who had cancer. But that is not my problem, it is me, when i see my short hair it reminds me on it. Because untill now i covert this with fake hair, it was more easy to look at myself. But now, on the other side i can’t wear it anymore when i put it on it feels like i am fake. But this is temporary and will change.
Also past year left me some scars i get confrontated with sometimes, i become more weak. I know i have to be a patient but sometimes i get enoyed by how weak all of this treatments made me. From the smallest thing like a little wound i get easily problems like infections. Next to the treatment i need to keep getting, this limits me also a bit or takes my time. Than i need to go see another doctor..again. Normally when i travel around i don’t get sick easily and i am not to carefull with what i eat, drink or where i sleep. Now i think i will need to be a bit more carefull with all of this. Because my doctors and medicins they give will be not that easy to find like in Belgium. Also sometimes i hate to see how less energetic i am than before, but luckily i still am.
I just had my immunotherapie yesterday next to the radiotherapy that i get every day for the moment. Many hospitalvisits, and i think i am getting some infection again so i need to see another doctor again to, another appointment inbetween all of this. Also this week i went to the medical pedicure because my toenail started pushing in my skin. Chemo makes your nails very soft or let them fall out. Then they grow back wrond and i have problems with that sometimes. Maybe i should also stop touching this myself 😬😉.
This are stupid things but i don’t like to spend my time on things like this. It was really a hospital and doctorweek , but i did this to put myself on ‘ok’ or ‘good enough to leave’ and not have to think about all of that anymore when i am gone. So in one week when i will be at the beach i will have forgotten all of this 😁.
Sometimes i get the question, how long do you leave? I answer, 3 weeks(because i will come back for the therapy). Than i get the answer, well that is a long time no? I am really happy to leave, and if you see it like a holliday, it is maybe a long one but if i could do what i really want, i would not come back. This would be the start of a new trip to start my life somewhere around our to live everywhere i feel like living like i did😉. So for me 3 weeks leaving feels like nothing in compair with forever.
I had my last radiotherapy last friday. Finally!! I waited for this longtime! Now i was getting used to the waiting it is like i still don’t realise it is over. I saw the doctor of radiotherapy on friday, he is a great doctor! I think i will miss him a bit. He sometimes asked me how i was doing, toke a chair and actually went sitting and toke time to listen inbetween his busy schedule, i think that is so nice! In the begin i didn’t plan to start telling to much because i could image he was busy but than he waited untill i started talking so i realised he really wanted me to start talking and he wanted to listen. Anyway i will see this doctor back one more time when i will come back in 3 weeks for my immunotherapie, just to see how i am doing. Also the nurses from the radiotherapy in The hospital in Ghent, were all very nice to me during this period and i am thankfull for that (i hope they will read this 😁).
I will come back to have my immunotherapie but also they will take some scans again just to do a check up. That will be a busy day again 😬also i have an interview in hospital that day. Because of the tests and the doctorsmeetings i will need to be here around 5 days, but that are things to think about later. Now it is Sunday and i just packed my bag to leave 😄, i am so happy for that and i can’t wait to be in Mexico because i need sun and i have the need to go explore again.
Last Tuesday i had also the immunotherapie. A friend of jolien asked to join us and follow us for a day in hospital. She made a photographic story about that. She takes very nice pictures, like you can feel feelings , looking at them, what i think is not easy and a real art. When i looked the story afterwards, i found it beautiful but also for me it was a bit confrontating again. I never think to much when i go to hospital, it became routine, i do my think, they give me medicin and i don’t think to much about that. This because i don’t like to get the medicin but i know it helps me. Now i saw how everythings goes from somebody else here perspectif. I see in the pics how i get exhausted from the premedication and how i am used to needles. Also this medications gives me some enoying feelings the days after, like feeling nerveus because of the cortisone, some pain inside my nose( but this never goes away, it stays), i get many pukkels on my face, around my nose it gets red (i am getting good in hidding this with make up but i don’t like to much to wear make up, but luckely it excist) and i feel very emotional, very sad at one moments and the other very happy. Two days after the therapy the cortisone stops working and i get tired mostly than i have a big headach. I need around 4 days after that to become myself a bit. This is ok but on the other side for me 4 days every weeks, is a lot. But it is what it is and i keep enjoying all the moments i feel good, and if i need some bad days to have this good ones, they are totaly worth it because i love my life to much next to that!
Also i always have this bruises after they take out needles, mostly it desapears even a few days later, i think this is another sign how bad my vains became after all this treatments
But on the other side when i look at the pictures i see their are also many moments we are laughing with the things 😉.
The hospital also gived me the pictures they took the other time for the hospital. They are cute. But i still don’t really understand where they will use them for 😃.
If i look back at them, i reallise again also in dayhospital in Aalst how lucky i am that i am surrounded by all this nice nurses! They make it much nices to go every 3 weeks.