I came back from Ireland on Wednesday because i needed to see my doctor of the radiotherapy on Thursday.

Windy but beautiful! I liked this trip again, nice people, cute places!

I was thinking i would see my doctor and start that same day again with the radiotherapy. That was the story, how i wanted it to go. I think i was going to fast again 😃. He looked at my wound and told me we will restart next week Thursday. Also he told me that i don’t need 5 but 7 more radiations, noooo. That means i will need to go 7 days. I was already planning things in my head, thursday, friday, a little weekend Madrid, than coming back on monday and continue getting radios. Untill the end of that week and finish. Luckely i learned from my mistakes and i didn’t book my flight to Mexico again yet for after that. The radiotherapy wil continue untill 3 days after my next immunotherapie. Well, that is still ok to leave after for another 2,5weeks to Mexico. Before i will need to be back for the imunotherapy.

The nurses puted some more tattoo dots on my skin that same day and toke some pictures again as preparation to put new lines on my body next Thursday before they start radiations. I was wrong again with my appointment 🙄 and i was one hour to early in hospital, even i already called once last week because i forgot, i still managed to be wrong with the time. I am lucky everyone is so nice with me in hospital, the doctor could see me even i was to early and also the sweet nurses from my appointment to put new dots and a new scan , they toke me more early.

So i can only start next week, that meanes that i have to wait from now untill next Thursday …I looked for another cheap flight untill then. My next destination is Marrakesh 😃, i saw their are some mountains around their that i should visit. I was ready to book Norway, Tromso to chase the northernlight! But it is expensive! And i need some sun! Also i think Norway is not for now because i feel a bit to tired for that.

I have a nurse that is still coming every 2 days to take care of the wound in my breast.

But i finally managed to look again at my breast and that wound and i saw how they do this so i will do this myself. I called my wounddoctor to confirm if he was ok with this, that i will do it myself, he is a cool guy 😃and i knew he would say this can not stop me from doing what i want. He just told me to not go sit in a river or the sea. So Marrakesh it is for the next few days 😁. He told me the nurse should just come one more time before i leave, so tomorrow. But she had to come anyway because she need to give me my 4 weekly injection that keeps me in a menopause for my hormontherapy( pills i take).

I will take care of this wound myself. I couldn’t look at this for long time. But now it is healing i manage to look, but i don’t do this for to longue because to be honest it hurt me a little to see it. I had 2 breastsurgerys before this. After them my breast was still ok to me. But now after what happend , this abces, i don’t like it anymore. Maybe i need to wait more time before it looks better again because now, their is stil a hole inside but if i need to, i want surgery to fix this a bit later! I want to do this for myself.

I am so happy i have energy to travel again. But at the same time i also feel i am not like before i had treatments. I just come back from Ireland, i hikked their but just a little little, nothing in compair as before. Also i walked a lot in Dublin. So probably it is normal i feel tired. But my body hurts. My neck, my back, my arm. Also i have this headach that don’t want to go away. I keep myself busy to ignore this things because i know where it is coming from and i know i can’t do anything about that. Maybe take it a bit more easy.. but i can’t now i have energy again. I waited a year, my patience is finished , i take it already more easy. Like since i am back from Ireland i didn’t do that much to have more energy again for Morocco. But if i want this headache to leave i should take it easy. I hope this energy wil come back later, their are stil many big hikes i want to do in the future.

Also i realised after reading some artikel https://uzmamd.com/2016/07/03/i-am-sorry-i-didnt-beat-cancer/?fbclid=IwAR0QuFcXsPPAlUa4tWV3rz_fqtsA8bnt1TsSty_0lQvibdffFDIwHvD-mAc that, next to that i love travelling, i am running away from something, even harder than i was running before. I don’t want to stand still and think to much because i just don’t want to think about ‘that i have cancer with me travelling from now on’. I don’t want to think back on all the things that happend the past year, all the new scars i have, physically and mentally.

The good thing is that it is walking behind me now, while i am starting this new year. I can decide witch way to go. I was never scared of making choices because i always said ‘ their are no good or bad choices, it are all experiences’. But this time i am not sure about having more of this kind of experiences…. Maybe i will keep being worried, even without i need to make choices, that one day it will catch me in and walk again before me. That i will need to follow than! Because i am not a follower so i hope i will never have this moment again because if it would be their i am not sure i would follow again. That is a reason why i am even more busy, it is so hard to except it.

But i know i will need to learn how to deal with all this feelings and fear, i can’t be busy the whole time, at one point i will be exhausted of all the running. I hope to find peace with it one day and have a sunny place where i will live at the beach, with my own vegetables and fruits in my garden, a dog, making bunkfires at the beach at night. Being totaly fine with it and be ready to stop moving. Maybe than i will open a hostel. But this is a dream for later, when i am tired and ready to stop moving. I still need to continue first, going on this road of discovery first. I am also not ready yet to except everything i am still to much in this situation. But it is gokd to have dreams. I couldn’t live without them 😁.

Now i was wrong with the radiotherapy i will need to find another room in Ghent for a week because for the moment i rent a room here that is only free untill 20 januari. But i will need to stay here in Ghent somewhere one week more. Well, i like to change from time to time so that is not a big thing. I can only feel excited now for my little trip that is coming this weekend and i am very curious about how it will be their! 😁

It is friday now, the nurse just came to check my wound and give me this ‘zoladex’ , my injection. She was a bit surprised how big the needle is from the injection and this made me a bit nervous 😃. Normally my oncologist in Aalst always puted this as i was a lot in hospital around the period i had to get it. She was used to it, putted it hard but fast , what is the best way to me 😃. Now, the nurse also did a very good job but because she told me it is a big one and she never did this. I became a bit more nervous because i know this is a painfull injection. But she did it and i am good again for 4 weeks. It made me just a bit worried because i wil take this injections with me travelling and let somebody do this somewhere in the world 😬. Luckely it js just a 3 minutes of suffering and 5minutes of happiness after that haha.

To give you an idea: