Getting lost

this time in a good way πŸ˜‰. I love to get lost.

I had my immunotherapy again for the first time this year last Thursday. Because i had some itchy feeling on my back the last weeks, the doctor maybe wanted to give me only one product of the therapy instead of both, to see if the itchy feeling was connected with this product. Normally i get 2 , perjecta and herceptine.

They maybe wanted to cancel the perjeta, if they would have don this ,I didn’t had to take a shot of cortisone neather and some other product they give me in my but as premedication to not respond allergic on the perjeta. Secretly i felt happy they didn’t want to give me all of this for one time to see if this itchy feeling is connected with the product. Because i don’t like the cortisone and neither the injection i get that makes me sleepy. But ass the itchy feeling was already became a lot less the time i needed to get the therapy in hospital they decided to give them both to me anyway. It’s more safe for me to get this because it protects me but somewhere i felt happy i almost didn’t get it. So i think i am not totally sure yet if I really want to continue this if i have this feeling somewhere. I was so tired during the treatments because i did a lot the last weeks, moving, traveling, cleaning , traveling again. I could use that day in hospital to rest a bitπŸ˜ƒ, and after they put this injection in my but it didn’t take long before i closed my eyes. I was planning to watch a movie with Jolien, who joined me again, i always fight against the tiredness but this time it won from me πŸ˜ƒ and I didn’t see anything of that movie.(we have time for that because after the premedication they wait one hour to give the immunotherapy, that also takes around 1.30h.)

Anyway i have all the time to think about what things i want now. And i think i need to let go , that i will never be sure what the best is for me to stop this treatment or not. I just need to see what is coming and i will come back for this every 3 weeks but if this starts to become impossible, i wil choose to leave and not to continue, that i know for sure. as i don’t want to stay in Belgium anymore the whole time so i will try to find a way to combine this because if we want something a lot of times it is possible.

I have time to find a way, untill then i already start traveling a bit. For the moment i am on the train to the airport as i have a flight to Ireland. The advantage of Europe is that you can fly for a day or 3 and see a lot in this short time. It feels great to leave again on my own. I woke up this morning really happy and excited again like i felt before the last year. I feel i have already more energy again, enough to not stay anymore and rest the whole time.

Unfortunately i still need 5 radiations because i had to put this on hold in December after getting this abces in my breast. It is crazy what a deep hole this made in my breast! It is still not closed yet. But luckely good enough to restart the radiations again next Wednesday. I still have a nurse that comes every 2 days to take care of this hole. But i decided that she can come in 3’days as i want to leave now untill Wednesday , and i could also wait that longue when i was travelling with the hollidays to let them come taking care of that, so i guess it is alright to wait a day longer.

i still don’t want to walk around with short hair, but when i go to Mexico end of the month i know it is time to finally get used to it and it will be a bit longer again to.

People ask me sometimes, are you leaving already again? I hope at one point they will ask this anymore but, i hope they will be more surprised that i will stay more than a day or 3 in Belgium. Sometimes i feel a bit lonely in this choices, because it feels like people don’t understand that i didn’t choose for the more ‘stable’ life. If i was in other countries i was meeting many people that are living the same life, but while i am staying in Belgium it is normal i meet less people living like this. Sometimes they ask if I don’t worry about my future, but I don’t live for my future. Maybe one day i will change but i am not ready for this now. And they answer me then, of course you are more happy abroad, i also feel happy on holiday. But you know this is not a holiday , it is just my way of living. It is not that i am staying in luxury hotels and sit next to the pool, and even i would do this, it is because i could and because i want! i think that is my choice. I think people who talk about this and disagreeing what i am doing, are mostly of the time people who should maybe change something in their own life to feel more happy because to me it sounds wrong to be jealous on somebody’s lifestyle, because we decide ourself about that. We all are responsible for our choices and we decide ourself how to live the life, to see the world, our built a family, live with a partner or not,…I am not afraid about my future, i felt how fast the life could be over and i prefer living now, if that time is their, i want to do this with a smile and the idea that I didn’t want to change anything about how i lived my life. I am more afraid about missing out on things. I am not sure yet what i will do but it sounds nice to become a lifecoach, so i am looking a bit into this. I still wish somewhere to become a dive instructor one day our to have the experience to go on somebody’s sailing boat one day for crossing the Atlantic. I guess i still don’t like that this things are not going to happen now, but i also know i shouldn’t be stuck in this things i can’t do but that i have to look at the things i can do now i get energy back.

That is why i am ready to go again now 😁. Also they told me that sometimes it looks like i am escaping, running away. And maybe i do on one side, and on the other side i do what i love. So if my escape is doing what i love it is ok for me. I found my way how to deal with life, how to be busy in a way i like it. For the moment..i am happy like that. Yesterday i saw a movie ‘revolutionary road’ , in this movie their was one guy that was ‘crazy’ , people where thinking this because he is does things different than ‘it should be’, because he is different. If this is ‘being crazy’ , i love to be insane πŸ˜ƒ.

I will be even more happy if this radiotherapy will be finally over, sooon! So something to look forward to again. My wounddoctor is not sure if my wound will be closed before the end of the month, it is possible, but he told me if not, we will find a way that i can leave anyway to Mexico and take care of this myself so i can book again. He is the best 😁.

One comment

  1. hello
    i am renee, and after 4 years of remssion i will go to visit the yucatan in 15 days .
    i understand your wish to travel …
    hold on perjeta it will be long but it is not so hard
    hold on and strengh to you


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