The past week, i have to be honest, i had a hard time😅. I felt like i was just keeping myself busy to let the time pas. I think it is because normally i would have left on 14 December to Mexico and even my radiotherapy was finished then, i guess this was still in my head somewhere even my plan had to changed already a bit ago and i am postponing this trip.
But instead of this plan that sounds so nice, something else happened and i am stuck home, waiting for the hole in my breast to close because of that abces i got during radiotherapy, waiting to heal and finally finish my radiotherapy so i can go where i want. Instead of that, i am carrying a machine with me the whole time that is connected with a sponge that is sitting in the hole, in my breast! A machine that makes noises and that goes with me everywhere i go, that makes it even harder than the cold to go pi in the night because i have to unplug it from charging, that machine that makes it complicated to shower. That makes me go home if i am hanging out because the battery is empty. Instead of discovering this beautiful sunny place i am here..waiting..mentally ready to go..but physically not😬.
This was the way i was thinking on this bad moments. I didn’t even feel to much meeting up anymore, and i felt like crying alone in my couch. When people told me i am getting their soon, I didn’t help me, ass i felt like waiting already a year to leave, and i was thinking back that i just came to say hello to my family and friends last year for a week or 2. But i know everyone just tried to help me feel better. But i think on that moment i felt bad it was a big mission to complete to try that😃. Because i saw everything to negative. (That was also why i didn’t wanted to meet up to much, i didn’t want to put that negativity on the sweet people that tried to help)i got scared this cancer will give me more troubles that will keep me here. I wanted to run away, take a plane, but I couldn’t because i need to recover!I went outside meeting friends, i went to the xmasmarket with my family, and had a good time, but when i was drinking something it made me even feel more sad after when i went back home together with my machine😬. I felt like that until today, today is Monday! I woke up much better this morning, i realized i have to stop it, i cried, i felt bad, it is ok, i can become myself again now 😉.
My oldest brother came helping me to fix something this morning. After he took me with the car and dropped me off at the hospital because he had to go that direction for his job. It was a nice day, the sun was shining while driving and i don’t know why but i felt good even we were driving to the hospital again. I really felt like smiling again for real 😉.
I realized that next weekend i will be in Prague, with a friend, totally free for 4 days. No hospital, no machine. more good news is , the doctor will try to find a solution before i go , a solution that my friend don’t has to take care of my wound (that was the plan instead of going their to the hospital every day) , so don’t have to take out and put things in that hole in my breast😃, the doctor said that he can imagine, that even it is a close friend, it still a different experience would be to let him do something like this 😉. He is a really kind doctor. He will try to find something that can stay like that 4 days without getting replaced.
When i arrived in the hospital, the wounddoctor took out the sponge inside the hole and putted another one. He told me ‘i will take it out now’, because i can’t look at things like that or i feel sick. Normally i have much pain when he is doing this but this time i even didn’t know he already took it. It didn’t hurt that much anymore and maybe i am also a bit used already to it, like i am to that machine i am carrying, i get used to take it everywhere.He asked me if i will cary it another 3 days until Thursday. I said yes because all the time i use this, the healing process goes faster so it is totally worth it. But i am free to decide if i want to quit this system or not.
I went getting this injection to the pharmacy that my oncologist normally would put me to in the hospital. It is an injection i need every 4 weeks to keep me in my menopause because i have to take hormonpills that are only working when i am in menopause . And i need to take this pills as my cancer is hormonsensitive. But it was busy so she will give it Thursday when i have to go back for the sponge.
I went back by train, it is a beautiful day to walk a bit. After i met up with my other brother to get a coffee. It is funny how i changed from feeling very sad to feeling good. Maybe it is also the pills or medicins that makes me like that🤔. I don’t know. But i am happy i realized I was thinking in the bad way. Also on Sunday i notices my weight was going down, so that is another sign to me that i had to change and start thinking different, positive again. Because as i told in another blog before, a few years ago i stayed in a hospital for anorexia.
If i am not happy i could start seeing that in ‘losing weight’. Than i lost weight, but now it is a bit harder to see because also it can be from my cancertreatments. They learned me this in the past, in this hospital for eating disorders, to be aware of this. So i am now, because i never want to go back their, and they thought me to solve this myself and i see that i can this thing alone👍. I panicked a bit yesterday but i putted all my stuff together and moved on again already 😁👍.
I know on moments like that, feeling sad, even i feel like staying home, alone, i should not listen to myself and keep meeting up anyway. Because this moments i am always coming outside i always feel a bit better again. Like this weekend i was invited to my Brazilian friend his house, his mother is in Belgium and she cooked, she is such a sweethaert😍. I was very spoiled and I will invite them back his week!
Also on Sunday i felt like hanging in the couch but i went getting dinner to my brother and his wife their house. She is also such a good cook and also spoiled me! I got to see my little niece and godchild, who are also always managing to putting a smile on my face. They are so lovely. My godchild was going on a chocolate adventure i this box with a big smile on his face it was so adorable 😍😃.
After that in the evening my 2 friends came to my house. They are so sweet. Even we are not seeing each other that much, whenever i need them, it is like they feel this❤️. So even i wasn’t on my best, i kept meeting everyone and i think this were the little lights in my darker days 😁and that is another thing that makes me feel good today. That i am lucky with all this people.
I didn’t write them all down, also the other friends i met up with last week, that i wrote when i felt bad, and just the friends i have in general i am so lucky with them alllll! Also my father, the one that i scream on when i am frustrated❤️❤️.
If i come back from Prague i will need to move out of my apartment as i normally left and i promised somebody els to move in it that date. I didn’t really looked forward to move again as i still need to stay but the good thing is i found this very nice girl who rent out a room so another problem solved.