Bad moments means good ones are coming

I feld good these last weeks. I went to the beach with my friend, celebrate the birthday of another friend, hanged out with other friends, drinking coffees or wines😁, talking, walking around.

But the last 2 days were a but harder again. I ignored some physical feelings i had. I am having this pain in my breast already for 2 weeks now, i ignored but it is only getting worser. I told it to the doctor from the radiotherapy in the hospital in Ghent, he told me it can not be from the radiations. Then i went to my gynaecologue in Aalst, she told me it is probably tention from the radiations and that i should take some painkillers. I am not scared of what it can be because i know it is an effect of something I had again, but i just wanted to know from what so the problem can be solved maybe. But i guess it wil need to solve itself together with some painkillers, i will need to wait. Also my toe has an infection…again. I had the same before going to Cuba. Apparently, i am sensitive for things like this because my immunesystem is low because of the treatments. I also ignored this first but it is getting worser and more paintful, i even feel my haert beating in it. I also didn’t want to use my free time without hospitals to go see a doctor again for this, so i waited a bit untill it was very painfull. Now it is a terrible feeling, but as long as i am busy it is less painful, the thing is I can’t be busy the whole time. It are always little things that happens but they all effect my life, this things that i get because of the cancer, for example i would go iceskating but i had to cancel because of my toe. Or i had a dinner in the evening, the machine of the radiations broke so instead of going in the morning, i had to go in the evening so i cancelled my dinner. Situations like that are enoying for me but also for the people around me like for example the nurses because they have to explain everyone, so i would never complain or get angry on them because i respect their job and i see them always beiing so busy, working hard.

I have to try to just continue my life but sometimes when i try this, this little problems come up and making it harder to do this. Mostly i can handle this things that are changing my plans well, like when i have to cancell a diner, i spoil myself with some wine and some take away dinner. But when they all comes at the same moment it can effect my mood.

When we were at the beach we walked one hour but after i had this pain in my bones and i couldn’t anymore. I know my body needs time to recover from chemotherapy. But i get a bit frustrated from this because before i hikked mountains and now i can’t handle a walk. I realise now, what a poison chemo is and how it kills so many things in your body. I need this pills against allergy now to, they help me because without them water is dripping out of my nose and eyes the whole time.

Last week, early morning my bell was ringing, because the nurse was their to put the injection in my belly, i forgot about that. And because of that injection i also need to take some pills. And the circle continous like this. You take some medicin and because of the side effect of that medicin you need to take another. I hope i wil become the old me again some day, at least a little more again and without all this medicins.

I write all of this in my blog because in real life i don’t complain to much about all of this. If i have pain, and i tell to people i say it like it is nothing. I don’t do this because i don’t want to become a person who complains a lot, i think it is not good for myself because then it is less easy to ignore the feelings when i am having fun and i think when you complain you only feel it more because your focust on the problems. But sometimes this feelings can feel much woser than I actually tell they do, like for the moment the breast and toe problems can waking me up a lot in the night because of the pain.

I am lucky i know myself so wel, that i know i have to be carefull when i am angry on the situation to not lock myself up at home or to not start drinking more than i can handle for the moment just to show that i want to be in charge of my life and not the medicins or try to control my life again in other ways. Or that don’t get angry on people close to me instead of on the situation, like on my father for example, if i do that i always say sorry to him after and he says it is ok that he knows me, but I don’t like to act like that because i am not like this and he doesn’t deserve this. i know myself and i am aware of that, i try to don’t do.

Some good news is that i past more than a half of my radiations 👏. 19 finished, 21 to go.

Now it is the weekend before my next immunotherapie. I am feeling well and i don’t look forward to get cortisone again and be not totaly myself the days after, but i guess i do what i have to do. That they i will need to get my therapy in Aalst in hospital and that same day i will need to go in the evening to Ghent to the hospital for radiations 😅. I will continue travelling from December and coming back every 3 weeks for the therapy. I already don’t want to stay and i don’t want to get therapy so at least one of these things i can solve because the therapy i will just need to come get if i want to keep fighting against cancer.

I had a great weekend again also, hanged out with a friend and in the evening i went drinking something with another friend. On sunday i had a breakfast with my cousin. I love to catch up with here to because before i came back to Belgium in Februari we didn’t see eachother for a long time.

Another hard thing i forgot to tell about before is my legacy. Somebody told me once it is better to write this so you can choose how this will work out when you die. I have to admit in the begin this was a strange thing to think about because it is about my death. And it is strang, that i told somebody about my cancer and she comes up with this. But it is reality, if you hear the word ‘cancer’ somewhere you think about this sickniss where people can die from, so i understand the connection. i am happy i got this advice and i wrote it.

I feel lucky and happy with the life i have, and now i already have more energy again than during chemo, it is more easy to share this hapiness and positivity. Sometimes i have the feeling people i met are less happy than me(i can be wrong and i hope i am)but I hope one day i can do something to change this.

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