Autumne feelings ๐Ÿ˜‰

I think my skin wil suffer this months. It is not even that cold during daytime when i come out but my skin is already so dry.

I am putting a lot of cream on. Some other effects i still have because of chemo i guess are, having a lot bruises, once i am outside, water is just coming out of my nose..a lot, i feel naucious a lot what makes it hard to eat a lot, i have pain in my stomach from time to time, the tireness.. these last days i was sooo tired i had to cancel many things. And sometimes i have the feeling my bloodpressure is falling, and i feel strange for a few seconds.

I strugled already with this drain in my body to, yes it is still hanging their:

I already went to emergency last weekend because their is a suckingsystem on the drain but it moved a bit inside of me and was sucking on a nerf, luckely my gynaecologue was in hospital because she just finished an operation, so she helped me . Because if i have to start telling my whole story to another doctor, i don’t know where to start ๐Ÿ˜ƒ. For the moment their is water coming out of the wound , normally it al has to go in the bottle and not dripping on my body. But i don’t go to a doctor today it is saturday, and i don’t want to spend again time with doctors. As longue as i don’t feel pain and it is not dripping to much i guess it is ok. Maybe it is because sometimes i forget having this hanging on me and than i keep hanging somewhere so than it pulls a bit, i need to be a bit more carefull i guess.

Maybe it was better going to the hospital yesterday. Because in the night the wound started leeking a lot and i had to call the nurse. He cames around 12.30 in the night, we searched with 2 where the problem was, and we didn’t found. When he left, i don’t know how but i discovered the problem. It was again some problem with the tube(wire) so they wil need to put me a new one. the morning nurse that normaly comes every morning, was at my home this morning around 7, so not much sleep this night.

after, On a Sundaymorning, i went to the hospital…again , to change the drain, because the system broke again. I didn’t go to my hospital but another one closer by.

So here i am for the moment, in hospital in Ghent. Waiting for someone to help me fix the problem. This is maybe a stupid little problem. But it is one of the many little problems that are keeping me in hospitals.

Because they didn’t have the same system like in my hospital in Aalst , they had to put a whole new wire and system. I don’t have the things at home for this system so that means i can only weare this untill tomorrow, Monday, so i can go AGAIN to the hospital in Aalst to get my old drainsystem back๐Ÿ™„. Luckely i went with my brother, that made it more fun, and we saw some beautiful things on the way to Aalst in the morning autumne art ๐Ÿ˜

These last days, i am so sick of it all. I want to get over this recovery periode of this operation. Get this drain out of me and start radiations. After that i wish it would be finished but unfortunately it wil not.

These last weeks i was a bit stuck in a negative way of thinking. Because i was very tired, and strugled with the drain. Maybe also the weather. I was planning again to just quiet my treatments and leaving but than some friends from abroad helped me find a solution to keep living my life like i want it, abroad, without stopping treatments. I was thinking it is impossible to live abroad and come back every 3 weeks for treatments, i didn’t see this as an option anymore but now we found a solution and i will try to live this way. A very good friend made me realise i was a bit lazy, just thinking about leaving and not try to find a solution how i can combinate this with my treatments.

I was ready to take the risk to go try to live and be happy, it made me happy to think about this but i was also very scared to make this decision because i had to make peace with the toughts, that if i would get new tumors again abroad i would not be angry on myself or regret that i left, and their is a big chance this would happen i just didn’t know when. Now i am even more happy and less scared because i wil leave but stil take treatments so if anything new comes up, i can not be angry on myself i didn’t take care of my health while trying to live my life . ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜

I learned that sometimesthings things looks complicated but infact they are not we make it complicated . I just had to look more at my options, what i can do and stop to be focused on what i can not do anymore than it is much more easy to find solutions.

So i have some new lifegoals again where i can be busy with:

Getting certificated as an online teacher

Preparing to rent out my place trough booking

Train so my arm get better soon

If i go to Mexico in December, i will not just go to travel and only see things or for the culture but also to work on myself: doing meditation, following courses in nature to learn how to write … things that will help me in the future.

But i feel, even i am excited for all, i also still need to rest because i can have this moments that i am exhausted. And i can not forget after recovering, in arround 2 weeks, i start getting radiations first 33 times on my breast and 18 times in my neck.

I also keep enjoy my coffeedates of course with the nice people i am surrounded with in Belgium๐Ÿ˜.

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