Yesterday, i realised how busy i am for the moment. I don’t have an agenda and i will not buy this because i don’t like making to much plans.
A friend from Bulgaria is coming to Ghent today and i was totally wrong about that meet up. I already promised my cousin longtime ago to meet up tonight and i have a meeting in the afternoon around my financien. Luckily i will have some time in between to meet. But i don’t like to squeeze many things in one day. I like to take time to see my friends or family. Also yesterday i was with friends and wanted to meet after with another friend. I asked to meet another day because again i was squeezing to much in one day. But i realised i want to be busy because i am recovering from an operation, and i can’t sit and wait untill i am better.
Sinds travelling and afterwards sinds being sick, i am struggling with time and appointments because I don’t feel to much pressure anymore. I always ‘have time’ until it is almost time and i have to run. But i like some excitement 😉.
I learned about myself that i squeeze in many appointments when i feel not to good. When i am good i can be bored and enjoy but when i feel a bit bad or maybe worried, i start to think negative and I don’t like that.
I am a bit stuck in my life for the moment, i know i need to be patient and things will change but still i need to change my life totally. Find something to do around Belgium i like, so i can keep going to the hospital to. Fighting against cancer, physicaly, i can handle it, but mentally it is hard! When i am not busy and i take time to be borred i don’t really find a solution yet how i can become totaly happy around here, and i get frustrated so i prefer being busy for the moment.
It looks so efficient to just follow doctors and keep doing treatments but still one side of me isn’t sure of doing all this. It can be frustrating because it looks like I don’t have to much choice if i want to keep living.
Of course if i stop, we don’t know what will happen, but as my cancer is aggressive and went already to different places it looks like i have a big chance to get a new tumor again at some point. It would be a big gamble but i am still thinking about it and go live my life like i want because i have a bit enough of hospitals. A few years ago i was fighting against anorexia, i lived 7 months in a hospital for this. I came out stronger than ever before and enjoyed my life more than ever. Now i have cancer and i should try to keep enjoy so i don’t fall totaly back in that anorexia. Because you know you can die from cancer but also from anorexia, i lost already a few friends because of this. So i have to fight against the cancer but also i have to be careful i don’t fall back neather or it can be also finished. Because anorexia is a lot about control, when you don’t have control anymore in life, you start looking it in something else like people do in alcohol, this is in controlling food, weight.
I don’t have totale control about my own life anymore, about my own body for he moment, doctors do. I know we never have total control but now i really have even less with the cancer! But when i lived in that hospital they made me so awar of it that i will do everything to not start having control about that to not go back their. Distraction is a good solution for that, also they learned me to turn my bad thoughts into good ones. That made me even more positive than i was. I also love to help the people around me with that, when they think negative i like to help them change this, it is also always more easy to do this for others😉. I know the signs now when i start falling back and what i can do to help myself not doing that. I like to do many things on my own like, people who already readed my blog noticed 😉 so i will keep myself out of this i am sure.
When i make it busy and it start to be chaotic in my head i just stop and try to realise that most of the appointments i have in week are with friends or family so moments that will be nice and fun and than i realise that their is no point of starting to rush or being chaotic because they are my friends and it will be another nice meet up that gives me new energy.
Like some i had these last days:appointment with the cutest ever 😍
another lovely friend ❤️
with family ❤️
And the other appointments that are not, are only short or the ones to the hospital, i can make them fun. It helps me a lot that i mostly go with Jolien to hospitalapointments, it is always nice to meet up with her.
When i got the other sickness before, i learned living in the moment. Like now i really live a lot in the moment, i love taking time in the morning to breakfast and i enjoy. Or i love standing in a hot shower and i can’t go out anymore. Or when i am with friends or family and they are busy chatting i can take time to look and just feel happy to be with this people. The bad things about taking time is, that it js hard to make plans. Like tonight i see my cousin, it came in my head yesterday 10minutes before the shops closing that it was her bday a bit ago and that i really wanted to have a present. My day is busy today so i had to go find something the evening before. I felt tired because i finaly sat down but jumpt out the couch, putted on some more clothes and runned to town to buy somethting, many shops were closed already but i found 😅😃. Or when i say always yes in the moment and realise afterwards that i sayed yes to many things on one day 😃. But i am always happy that i say yes and see many people i like and love , i am busy but mostly busy with making new memories.
I think this is somehing we should all do more. Nothing to do with beiing sick. Not squeezing to much things in one day and making more time to be bored. Because it is ok to do nothing, than you can get even the best ideas when their is no presure.