What is coming /looking for new dreams

Yesterday i went to the hospital to check my wounds from my operations. Also i went to discus about what is coming next. Well, discus… it is more like i went listening to what they wil do with me next.

On thursdaymorning , the team that treats me came together to discus things. I went to my gynaecologue, thursdayafternoon. She told me they would like to start putting me in menopause for 5 years and start with the hormontreatment because my cancer is hormone sensitive. She told me after 5 years we can look if i will keep doing this or change the pills, if they wil put me again in menopause or not. Because my cancer was spread out to another place, it looks like they would like to keep treaten me with this and don’t stop it, never. It also depend on , if i want children, if the treatment don’t give me joint pain. In 5 years many things can happening, even with the treatments we don’t know what surprises can come because everyone respond different on treatments, every cancer, tumor is different.

It is like al we will start is to help me, but we don’t know what will happen. Because they can not compair my cancer totaly with the one of somebody else. In some lines yes, but we are all different, out body respond different. I should be happy that with the cancer that was already spread out, i am still getting many treatments to help me.

She told me that, if i would be 50, they would not give me all this, they would treat me like somebody with cancer, that is already spread out, stage4, last stage. They wouldn’t have operate me 3times. But that i am to young to treat me like i am terminal, and i guess because my body can still handel a bit more. Sometimes i am wondering if i should be happy to hear this or not.

Than she told me that they talked about that i want to move. She told me that we all put a lot of work in getting me where i am now. And that if i leave, it would be sad that all of this fals appart. That i get a tumor again while i am somewhere else. She told me that nobody wil answer me how much all of this would cost in another country and that is is very expensive, private insurancecompanys wil not be happy to see me coming with my diagnose.

I thought that after all this, operations, chemo, radiation, i just needed to go 1 time every 3 weeks to the dayhospital to get my imunotherapy. But i was wrong. I feel that they will always follow me up. When i start this hormontherapy, a doctor will follow this up. So that means doctorappointments. Also it looks like they will keep taking many scans. Than the 3 weekly therapy, and for this i also need to do haertscans every 3months to control my haert because some people got already problems with that while having the imuno.

Now i start this injections every 4 weeks to, for my bones. But this, the nurse can give me at home luckely. But i realised i need to change my life totaly, my dreams because i have to count all this doctorappointments in my new futureplans.

No moving to south america, teaching, no working on boats, i don’t know about diving. Never moving back to Vietnam and teach

I need to errase all this and start thinking what i want and can do around Belgium. I have some ideas but i also still need to keep myself calm because i am still recovering from the operation and i still get this radiations. But i am getting so unpatient 😉, first of all inwant to move out of my house. I am not somebody who wait to do things, normally i do, when i get an idea but now i a testing my patiëntie.

Radiations, she gives me also information about this. I wil get 18 radiations in my neck because i had a tumor there, 33 on my breast, also between my 2 breasts i will get radiation. Apperently we also have nodes between our breasts. When they removed the lymphnodes in my arm, they removed 12 of them, they examinate afterwards and saw that 3 of them were still with cancer after chemo. So that is why they will also give radiations between my breasts on the nodes.

After this i am planning to go to Mexico 😃. I calculated that one of my therapys will be 11december so after i leave for 3 weeks. I was already thinking of having already a lot of hair again and finally go in the sea without beeing worried about nothing, without scarfs or anything. The doctor sayed Mexico is ok, but i have to protect the skin that got he radiation very well from the sun. So i will need to put on a tshirt or protect a lot. I just wanted to be their, go in the sea and forget about everything. This is a small thing, but like this all little things always keep me reminding about it.

But i know i have to chear up, and i still can do this. I will just need to be a bit carefull. It is just because i wasn’t like that before. When i travelled, i didn’t care a lot. Once in Fiji, i got a bacteriel infection because of mosquitos, my mosquitobites became black, and i felt it in my nerfs, i didn’t go to the doctor untill i couldn’t stand the pain anymore and couldn’t walk. Or i lived in Vietnam and i burned my leg sitting on the back of a motorbike, touching the engin. I still have a pic of this 😃, i just kept it clean and forget about it, i still have this ‘vietnamese tattoo😉’.

I just want to show with this, that being careful with my body, or being scared to be sick when i felt something was not my thing. Maybe i had to, a little more, maybe i had to come back more early because of the thing in my breast. But i am happy i am not worried to fast or to much because like this i will not be scared to keep living and doing things i did before.

I went to the hospital yesterday with my budy/friend, Jolien. I am so lucky to have here ! On moments like this i always forget if i have questions, but she always askes the good questions that i would also ask. Also if they ask me how i am doing i always answer good because i forgot things that i felt or that happend in the past, she always remind me on that when we are sitting with the doctor 😉 . Also afterwards she is always their to chear me up, to go drink a good one.❤️

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