I start learning about myself, my way how i deal with having cancer. I just ignore i am sick. I trie to live as normal as possible. I noticed that i can’t keep living my life totaly the same like before, when i ignore sometimes i pay for that afterwards. I try to ignore and some days this is working but other ones of course this is impossible, at least i had a good time that days that i ignored a bit beiing sick.
I noticed i ignore it, because when the doctor told me again how my cancer is and why i can’t stop doing treatment, i was surprised again and felt bad. But she told me this already many times it’s just that i never want to hear this so i forget it when i go home.
In my therapy monday, i was sitting in this room with many other woman, normally i have a room for 2 but it was busy so i was in this big room with 4 more people. It was a room with older woman. They talk about the problems they have with their body, i didn’t talk to much and watched a serie. But moments like that are hard for me, because they are confrontating and i can’t ignore beeing sick on this moments. They put me with my nose on the facts, when i hear them talking about what they feel, i recognoise a lot of it. Than i start having this feeling like i became already old very fast.
Also it is hard i think because i don’t want to be putted in a group ‘people with cancer’ . I don’t want people use this to recoignoise me ‘the girl with cancer’, i prefere ‘the girl that talks a lot’ or ‘the Belgian girl’… or something like that. Because it is just something we have, not something we are.
i am still Valérie, a girl that loved to get lost on her own and this stupid cancer is just following me everywhere 😉.
You know, i try to live so much normal as possible that i even went on a date this week with someone i met once in a cofeeplace. Yes i went on a date, hidding this long wire and this pot full of dirt that is hanging on my body. 😃it was a good day but after i realised it is really not the best moment. But yes, it is true i can wait 5 weeks untill they remove this thing from my body, but than something else is coming. And already 6 months or something like that past, that things are happening with my body, so i can’t wait to do what i like untill i ‘recover’ or ‘get better’ because who knows when that will be. New things can always come.
Like now, this afternoon i will know if they will give me this pills that makes me go in menopauze 5 years. This is also something new for me , that i only know from this week.
Before i go to hospital this afternoon, i have an appointment to see what my options are to move out of Belgium but keep having my treatments every 3 week. See where i can be insured to have this, payed back, because i can’t pay 100 000eur a year or something for that.
I keep you updated about what options can be for ‘having treatments’ (for me is this my imunotherapy) that you need but want to live abroad.
So i just came back from my mutuality. They didn’t know what to do with my question. The woman made many calls but nobody could answer if i could have my treatment in another country like Spain. I already searched a lot on the internet but i couldn’t find it neather. Now i called de social department of my hospital, they will call me back, i hope they can tell me already something more because for the moment it feels like i don’t have many options: stay , what i don’t want. Or leave and don’t do treatment because i can’t pay it. 😬, or maybe flying back every 3 weeks but that is to expensive to . I will keep looking for this because their has to be a solution.