Operation

Yesterday i got an operation to remove my axillary lymphnodes under my left arm because i had the cancer also their, and they also removed some more tissue in my brest to make sure the tumor is totally gone. Everything went fine. I went early morning with my buddy Jolien. They operate me around 10 am and around 3 pm i was back in the room. I got already spoiled with many food she bought for me , so sweet (sad I couldn’t eat yet) and some flowers.i am always so hungry when i wake up from operations but they never want to give food because the stomach didn’t work longtime. Jolien kept go asking if I couldn’t eat anything and she reached our goal, i got yoghurts and at 10pm i got sandwiches πŸ‘πŸŽ‰πŸ˜.

When i woke up after surgery i was in a real bad mood. I didn’t had to much pain. But i was angry i was laying here again in a hospital bed doing surgery’s instead of being where i want to be. My father and his girlfriend also came visit me. I feel a bid bad I didn’t say to much that moment but i guess it must be the product that they gived me to put me asleep that was still working a bit and also the bad mood i had. This is also because i just came back from traveling again i think. I felt so good when i was in Cuba 4 days before. And then coming back to Belgium and going to hospital again. And knowing i am starting a part 2 of this treatments made it hard to feel happy coming back πŸ˜‰. This is like starting to becoming all normal this things , routine, and I don’t want, i hate routine anyway. Today it’s already one day after surgery’s. I start to feel less angry because i am happy I don’t have to much pain from this operation. I expected worser. The annoying thing is i will walk many weeks with a drain and a long wire on me It looks like a small whiskey-bottle i have to take with me, but it is not whiskey inside 😬 it is blood and fluid that goes inside because I don’t have this lypmhnodes anymore under my arm now. I wil need to cary this a few weeks. I will need to practice to rise my arm up again because i can’t do this anymore for the moments , next to the other surgery i had a few months ago in my neck, it was not to painfull. I will just need to be careful the rest of my life with cuts and wounds that side of my arm and also i can never go in sauna anymore to prevent i get a fat arm, i really don’t want this. This can happen because this nodes in your arm helps you normally to let swet, dirt go outside but i don’t have them anymore now. I was already scared i could not go live in hot country’s anymoreπŸ˜‰ but they say i can, i can just not go laying in the sun for hours, but I can’t do that anyway.

I was laying next to a lady that told me she has cancer. I told her me to πŸ˜ƒ. Funny she didn’t expect me to have the same, i mean that i also have cancer. She said i look to shiny to have cancer, she is a very sweet lady, i told here it must be because i am coming back from holiday and maybe because i was quiet positive so far. I told her she also looks still good, if we wouldn’t meet in hospital i would also not see she is sick. That is another proof again to show that ‘we are not cancer’, but cancer is something we have.

Today i can go home, i will have a nurse coming home to help me with this drains i cary on me and to help me clean the wound, and i will need to do some kinΓ©. Next week monday i need to be back already in hospital because i need to get my treatments that i have every 3 weeks, so it’s not a goodbye for long πŸ™„. Luckily i don’t mind going to the dayhospital a few hours because the nurses their are so sweet. I can go home but i have this empty feeling, i don’t feel sad but also not happy. I just start thinking about my life. The woman next to me also has cancer, she struggled already 3years, i know i don’t have to compair because she is much older than me. But it doesn’t really help me to feel more happy. Sometimes i think people start seeing me like i am cancer, but i am not cancer it is just something i have, and it will not decide my life for me or make me weaker. It only makes me stronger!

If everything goes well, all what is coming more, i am planning to leave again in December, at least to survive winter πŸ˜‰. I would maybe come back to do a recoveryprogram in January, but who knows i will doing my own excercices on my way πŸ˜‰.

It is Friday now, i slept a first night back home, i slept so good. I already feel more motivated again to. I will focus again on things i want and can do in future. And i hope to get many visit the next coming weeks because I don’t really know what to do while i am recovering. But i am sure i will find things.i am getting energy again. This morning i started doing my exercises for my arm already , i feel ready to recover and start radiations after that. Can even wait until it will al be finished πŸ‘.

sometimes it feels like cancer is ‘something/somebody’ where i am having this battle with, something that wants to get me down. But it is losing because i will keep standing up. It is not only a physical battle, because for me, the feelings i get and cuts i get, it is not the hardest part. The hardest part is the mentally side of it, it makes you think about many things in life and because of the recovering from physical pain you get a lot of time to think.

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