Today it is Friday, to be honest, my partymood is gonne already longtime.
I feel a bit lost. I am so tired these days. In my head i have many ideas, things i could go do. But my body wants to stay in the couch, and i don’t have energy. This makes me feel lonely. I didn’t want to meet up to much because i don’t have energy, i did go outside very short to have a chat with a good friend. Iwas home with all these ideas. So i took my time do do some research about moving out of Belgium but being able to use my Belgian insurance for getting my therapy’s somewhere else. I found out that i could go anywhere in Europe, and most likely i can keep having them their in hospital. This cheers me up already a little, knowing i can still go try something new in the future. But also makes me a bit frustrated because normaly i don’t like thinking that much in the future.
Normally i would just do it and see. But now i still have to do all this things to stay a life first 😬 than i can go and live again. But this don’t means i will not live my life during this way full of treatments. I just need to accept that i need to be happy for the moment with things i have around me now. I can’t go anywhere else for long time. Months are passing, and i need to be focused on ‘beeing more healty again’, that sucks but i know this will not last forever.
Before, when people wished me a good health for new year, i never thought about this sentence. Now i truly wish everyone in this world a good health!
Today it is Saturday, i woke up with this big headach. Just now i have this brunch with a friend. I toke a pill against this and for 1 time ignore listening to my body because i started feeling lonely always resting at home. So maybe i ignored for once some physical signs but this was to folow some mentale signs that i need my social contact to get more energy!
I met up with my friend, he is a really good person. I told him it is hard for me to see how everyone is busy and i am always recovering at home. But he made me see that i am also busy, more than i was thinking.
Because sinds last time we saw, i had already new things to tell, that, when i have energy i am still sharing my storie to motivate people, i had an interview, i am thinking about my future, i am doing treatments to get more healty again, i still meet up with friends. I am busy, with usefull things to me, because they help me to live my life. Before i thought usefull things are only things like working, now i learned that this are things that helps us libing our live , things where we are learning from,…
He made me see that we are all busy but i didn’t notice this because i am now busy with something that i can maybe not compare to much with people around me.
He helped me reloading my batery again. When we sayed goodbye, i could relax again alone, without feeling lonely 😊.
I learned from beiing sick a few years ago, how important people are in life, and how nice it is to make new memories, not alone but together to.
i am having some hard days, but people are nice! And even on moments i don’t see them, i find this postcards in my letterbox😍! It feels great to open and read them and they give me also this feeling not being alone in this.❤️
Unfortunately, after the brunch today, when i came home, i started feeling bad again. At one time i started feeling very nausious and exhausted! And my headach, that i forgot for a bit, came back twice as hard. My eyes got very scratchy and they felt like i have some pieces of glass in them. I feel dizy always when i stand up and also my hearing gets a bit less with moments. I think these are signs that i maybe physically, crossed my limit today, but it was totaly worth it! I feel mentaly recharged again. I toke a shower and wil relax, i am sure this will be better again tomorrow. I would like to do some more things to night but i have tomorrow for that 😉.
I can only say, that ending chemo don’t means, ending feeling sick of chemo! For me chemo only started to feel havy last weeks of it and now, after finishing the whole treatment because every week i got some more into my body. And it is not like that, that the one from the week before already went out again after peeing 😉unfortunattely! I guess this will take some time, to recover. Because, next to the bad cells chemo kills, it also damaged good things.