Almosssttt

It is Saturday, 3 days more before my last chemo. I feel realy strange today. When i move my head from left to right it is like my sight comes a bit later, and i am dizzy. This is because the chemo kills your white bloodcells, so i am always getting less of them. I hope i will still have enough on Tuesday to get my chemo, otherwise i will need to go back home to recover first and get it another timeπŸ™€. Also i am having really cold but i think 25degrees isn’t cold normally. I think my imuumsystem is very weak for the moment.

Now it is evening, some more effects i got today: it is hard to swallow, my troth also hurts. I have this noise in my ear with moments and i need to put fake tears in my eyes, they hurt because of dryness. Also my arm is blue again where i got the needle for the infuse last time.

I can’t wait to finish so my body can start to recover!

Sunday today, i woke up very nauseous, i have this most of the days in early morning. But today it was worser, also i went out of my bed to fast, and went trough my knees. I already have a low bloodpressure usual, so now i have to be a bit more careful with that, not standing up to fast. I feel still so tired and weak, my head is hurting from tiredness i guess. Also my noise is bleeding again i am confused, when i brushed my teeths i didnt close the tap, and because chemo also worked on my hearing, i didn’t hear this. But 3 days in a row not coming outside is to long for me. Today however i feel, i meet up for a coffee and try to enjoy the day, at least a few hours otherwise it is like i am sitting and waiting for days to pass until i can start getting better.

But i know this will take a while, the recovering part, because i know that even if my chemo is finished, i will not feel full of energy after that. Maybe, it will be even the hardest part, because after the last one, my body already had to deal with a lot.

But, this is still to far in the future so i can’t wait for that to happen. Now i want to enjoy with the few energy, i can use for that. I feel my days are getting into routine and i don’t like that, so time for some change.

this morning to chear myself up i watched this cute pupy – baby movies, who can’t put a smile on their face when watching this 😍!

In the afternoon i did a hang out with couchsurfing, i met a guy from Australia and a Spanish girl, they were nice people. They where talking about easy subjects, like snorring people or travelling. I didn’t stay to long because i didn’t want to change this easy conversation in a deep one about cancer. I know when i start talking about what is happening in my life, people don’t always know how to respond back on that, and i totaly understand that. But that is what is going on in my life now so i don’t always know other subjects to talk about. And i didn’t feel like changing the subject So i didn’t stay to long, i could not keep my attention in the conversation anyway. I just came back home on time to stop another bleeding nose.

When i did the hangout to meet the people, i notices again i can hide very wel i am sick, because i felt bad but i hided this very wel.

I think(because, that was the view, i had from people with cancer before i got sick) sometimes people expect i will look very sick, and more white.

Then they see me and seem to be surprised, i know i still have colour, but i am naturally not totally white i think , also i wear some make up when i go out sinds i am sick to keep having colour πŸ˜‰. The bold head(that is already not bold anymoreπŸ‘πŸ˜ƒ) you also don’t see because of my fake hair that looks real i think. And i am lucky because i did not lose my eyebrows. But sadly even you don’t see i am sick, i feel the chemo effect on my body.

I heared many times “it should be hard to lose your hair?”but to be honest, for me sinds the start i am much more worried about my health than about my hair that is already growing back. Of course i have moments i wish it would be back already, or i wish if i go to the shop quickly, i don’t need to wear anything on my head, but i am to shy for that. Or for swimming. But if it wil be back i will appreciate it so much , having longer hair again.

Today it is Monday, i felt a bit nervous today. I am happy the chemo will finish , for sure! But it don’t means i will be not tired anymore , maybe this wil be the point i will be the most tired 😬, but it also means i can start recovering from that and thats sounds a very good thing πŸ˜πŸŽ‰. I think i am also nervous because after that, next week, i will have again some scans to see how everything is going, and i know the feeling to wait on results of that. And finishing the chemo means also i getting closer to get operated again. But first i can leave again, finally,having a little break😎. Luckily, in the afternoon i had some nice distraction, and i went catching up with a friend.

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