Tuesday when i was in hospital I asked again some questions to my doctor.

I think i ask a lot of questions because i hesitate sometimes to keep doing this 3 weekly, treatments in future. I always ask questions around the subject: if i need to keep doing treatments to stay tumor free. (I will not say healty because i don’t think treatments are healty)I just ask them always in a different way i think but when she answer me every time, i always hear that it is the same answer like on my other questions, so than I realize that I always ask the same question at the end but in a different way.

She always explains me that it is a special one, that i am not in stage 3 with my cancer and also not in the last one, stage 4 (when the cancer is spread out and you are terminal).I am in between this 2, because they removed the tumor in my neck and also in my breast so i am tumorfree. But because i have breastcancer that spreaded out already, that gived me another tumor in my neck, means that it already spread out and that the cancer-cells went trough my blood. So they never know if their are still little ones going trough my blood or not. They are so small that you can not see this on scans. Only when they come together to make a tumor. If they do, and i stop treatment, they will make new tumors again somewhere on my body and this is bad 😬. I am thinking a lot of not keep on doing this and just leave again, living my life again, see what is happening.But this would be a very impulsif decision, like i am sometimes to impulsif.

So i think i ask the questions to protect myself , if i hear the answer of the doctor i realize every time again i should be a bit more patient and not think to much about this already. She say it would be playing with my life, if i stop treatment. I think it is good for me to hear this so i don’t do stupid things and make suddenly decisions.

It don’t means that i decided to keep doing this but also it protects me from stopping soon. I told myself i should keep doing this at least for a wile but not stop thinking about following my dreams neither.

It is like a choice about: quality and quantity of years. Living long without follow my dreams and maybe shorter but living my life. But i know if i get another tumor it can gives me pain first and than, even i am living my dream, i can not enjoy anymore anyway. Than i would regret that i stopped everything. Also i should not think about this to much because science go so fast they always discover new products so maybe one day their will be a treatment i can take with me or something like that, who knows 🤷‍♀️.

I am not always thinking about this because we will see later, i still have some other steps to take first, operation, radiations. But i have time to think so sometimes i do, we all think a lot i think😉. Especially about what is coming. But i try to not do this to much and live in moments.

I also ask the questions i think because i can still not believe/accept that i will never be just like before again. I know i am still me. But i mean, being the healty me, that don’ t need the hospital or that don’t need to stay under control. The one like a year ago. But a good thing is i i wil be abel to function normaly again, even if i stay under control.

Sometimes i still think about, that i am still in Belgium, but my plan last februari was to just come say ‘hello’. After i wanted to go work on a sailingboat. What a change.

I met a few monks on my way, in my travells. They taught me to be a little more patient already, they can just sit somewhere without nothing for hours. I am not a boeddhist but i think we can learn a lot from them.