Past weekend i went to the beach with a friend. I got this weekend as a present from the organisation of cancer in belgium: www.komoptegenkanker.be, they have another organisation that helps young adults with cancer: http://www.kankercounteren.be/. This organisation, is where i got my buddy, Jolien, from. The organisation try to help young adults with cancer as much as they can, in many ways, to go trough this. Jolien is a voluntary for the organisation, in their buddysystem. They try to match a voluntary and somebody who has cancer, after knowing a bit their personality. I think they are doing this very good because i think Jolien and me are a great match, to me she is the best buddy. I feel like i got a lot of support from her. Of course you don’t need this if you don’t feel this would help you. But for me she means a lot! I went to many activity’s, where people with cancer come together but i feel this is not really helpful for me, to confronted, i try to ignore still to much i am sick. But this, the buddything, is helping me a lot, i really recommend to other people with cancer who are reading my blog, to give it a try, ha ving a buddy.

Back to the beach, the place where we stayed was great! Before it was a villa of the king, now it is a recoverycenter. We got a room with view on the sea so we could listen the sea in the morning and feel the wind when opening the windows, enjoy the sunset in the evening from our couch. Sunsets are something i will never get tired of! They are one of my favourite things to watch, sunsets and waterfalls! I can’t explain the feeling they give me😁.

Also we could use the wellness for free and we got all or meals and drinks included, amazing! The people serving their where all nurses, they where all so amazing friendly!

Their was a festival with theatre going on in the city. Some people who are performers, came taking some interviews in the villa. They interviewed some people, incl me , and told our story’s on the stage, how they experienced listening to us. I was a bit shocked to be honest after reading their script that they gived me later on.

They wrote, that they expected me to be someone healty on holliday, i told them it must be the make up i am wearing for the moment and the fake hair 😉. Also they wrote that they needed some time to feel furious after talking with me after hearing my story. It looked like they where angry to on my situation, more than me. I also sometimes feel furious but mostly on moments when i am without energy in my sofa, the other moments like, the moment of the interview, when i feel good, i don’t want to lose my time being angry. They didn’t expect my hair to be fake, and me to have cancer. Also they wrote that they where scared asking me some questions about cancer, but that i always answered very easily at the end. That showed me again that people are sometimes scared or very careful in talking to me. I can imagine that, i would be careful to i think to not hurt. But by this i want to tell that everyone can ask me anything, i don’t have problems to talk. I am still me, just the subjects are less nice now sometimes, but it is my life now. I think we are all responsible for ourself and should do what we want, i am also an adult and if i don’t want to answer i am responsible for my own, i can tell myself, or if i don’t feel like talking about something i will change the subject. It is part of my life now and i like to talk about life. I don’t want people to be scared, i don’t want to be scary, i was someone where people felt them self fast comfortable with, and i want to keep this like that. Rather talking about cancer than not talking anymore.

It felt strange to read my situation, from somebody else side. It looks more serious than how i experience it myself to be honest. Because i can still feel happy many times!

The weekend on the beach was really relaxing, we talked with another older lady in a wheelchair in the villa. When she told us she worked on boats before, i got immediately interested in her life 😃. This was my plan to before getting sick, i got certificated for this. We listen to here stories while looking the sea. We wend walking at the beach, took some selfies (something i learned doing a lot, while travelling in south america😁). I didn’t like selfies but now i think it is fun to take them😃.we used the wellness, ate good food and chat a lottt. Time flies when i am together with my friend because we both talk a lot when we are together.

Wednesday, in my week without chemo. Today i need to go get the results of a test that shows if the cancer is genetical inherited. If it is something we van have inside the familie. To be honest i was nervous for this. Jolien, supported me again in this and came with me. The professor was a really ‘cool’ men. A very friendly men, but he told us the news like it was bad news, very serieus, so it took me some time to really get it 😃. He told that, from the tests they already do know, it says i don’t have it in my genes. But he also told, that, because i had the cancer so young, and after making a familytree ,seeing that my mother died and my grandmother had it, he is not sure a 100%. That they can not do test yet on all the geneticall things untill the fullest. Then you see that cancer is still a diseas, many things are not clear about yet. Because they don’t have explenation why i got it, they asked me to go back in 5 years to test again. People always want to control, to know why, but they didn’t find anything so for me this is great! he also says woman in the family should not worry , and it also means i don’t have to think about ‘ taking of’ my 2 breasts!

If breastcancer is in the gens, you have a big chance you also get the cancer in your other breast. So they would have suggest to remove them both. In my operations they worked ‘ breast saving’ it means without removing. We were very happy with this news, and went drinking a glass on my 2 boobies 😃.

Because, during chemo i feel sick often, and i am weak, i don’t feel like drinking to much. This day i felt like trying again, and i enjoyed but i came home, feeling drunk from drinking one glass 😃.

I had to eat and drink some water to feel fresh again because i had another date with my friends in the evening. We went drinking some tea😃, and laugh about this, the next stage in our live. After going out and drinking tiquilas together, now we get crazy on drinking tea.

I am doing a lot this days, and i know i should take some more breaks because this wil come back to me in ‘being very tired’ at some point. But i don’t know how to do that, just give a bit of energy, if i feel good i like to enjoy untill the fullest. And i know afterwords i will not have to feel angry, being tired a whole day/more days, because i decided to give all energy in one time.

The moments i share with people, being back in Belgium, are unforgettable. People give me some much, new memories to take with me in the future. I got this box, full of cards that i can open when i want, depending on my mood. All of them have something writen inside and some things or pics in it. It is amazing! So creative and it had to take so much time ,making this! It is a beautiful present , so personal, i really love it , i can’t explain the feeling inhad when i got it❤️ and i am very curious😃.

These days i really feel a lot of advantage of being sick, getting this amazing presents, getting time from amazing people, getting a free weekend. In the beginning when i got chemo, when i had my week off/to recover, every 2 weeks, i had to go travel somewhere, now i don’t have energy to do that anymore, but this moments i am having now together with people, are helping me passing this also more easely. And i see it don’t has to be that dark everytime when you have cancer. I know it is not over yet and still some hard times have to come so i better enjoy good ones untill the fullest!

Maybe i talked to fast 😬. Today it is Thursday, for the moment i don’t feel like moving anymore and i feel like not going anywhere so i cancelled my appointment for this evening. I just want to rest, i thing i crossed my limit again. I still try to find out, how i can find the balance in taking rest and doing things but as i am normally an actif person it is very hard to find this balance. Even it is very hot outside , i am in the sun and i don’t really feel the heat because i am tired. I met a friend this afternoon to drink a coffee, i was happy to see here back! But after that my battery was really empty. Time to rest 😃. 

Today it is Saturday. I dreamed about this stupid cancer so i woke up a bit upset. I dreamed my hair was back but i kept wearing the fake one, and that i was ‘cancer’ and not Valérie when people introduced me, i am tired being busy with this sickness. It makes me angry. I started thinking again about answers that i will never have. I have breastcancer, but i had already another tumor to in my neck, what does this means? i am wondering if they can only keep me a life with treatments now? What would happen when i don’t keep doing the treatments my whole life? I guess nobody knows this. I think i will need to find distraction!

Luckely i have another lunchdate today. And i opend one of my envelopes, of the present my friend made for me. This cheered me up already a bit 🤗.

I also felt nauseous when i woke up and still very tired, this things have to be also part of, why i am in this mood.

I got back from my lunch, it cheered me also up for a bit. The food was like art, beautiful, and it tasted as good as it looks. But after, when i came home again, i didn’t do anything anymore and i felt a bit sick again. I finished my food, what probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do when i am already woke up like this 😬, well at least i had this good moment in my day they can not take away anymore from me! And i had cold when i was back home, on a hot day as today. I think that means that my body is very tired 😬. Doing nothing, is the message i think. This is an example again of a moment i feel, i am fighting again against the cancer. Because i don’t want to feel down, it is not me, i like smiling, but it is hard to stay positive or happy when you feel tired and angry and when you feel to tired to read a book for example. I guess it is also ok to not be happy, and to just let the feelings be their. Tomorrow is a new day.