Climbing a ‘mountain’ to catch the ‘ sunrise’

It is Saturday today, i think i will do nothing. My body feels so tired. When i woke up my fingers had this strange feeling, i couldn’t grab anything with my hand, for a bit i was thinking it would not go away anymore but it did after a bit. This week i always went out an hour our 2 but that was it. 2 days ago i did a short hangout with somebody from couchsurfing, from Peru, he was a very friendly boy, normally i would spend my day showing him around , but this time i could only stay a little and sit to talk. It’s my energy of the day i spend in that moment. But that is ok, it’s like i have to choose now 1 thing where i want to give my energy to in my day. And talking with people makes me happy, i love good conversations and meet travellers. Yesterday i wanted to use my energy to go to the beach, i wanted to go alone because i need sometimes this moments for myself. It was so hard to push myself out of the couch, take that shower and get dressed. When i was in the shower i didn’t got out, stayed their a long time, because i knew it would be exhausting to drie myself. But i did it :)! My highlight of the day was, when i met this men on the street, with a very cute puppy. Puppy’s are so cute and make me happy, i gived the puppy a big hug and it felt great. But for the rest of the day i didn’t enjoy to much, i just wanted to go home again after a few hours, because every meter i walked asked to much from me. On the train, i felt a little sad because i got frustrated.

A bit ago, my highlight of the day was hiking on a moutain or go explore a new place with a motorbike, i als hugged puppy’s on the way but after doing many other things in that same day. It feels like the extremely oposite now to me from very active to very ‘lazy’. I can not stay every moment positive especialy not without energy. But now i was writing this, i was thinking I am also busy with hiking on some kind of ‘mountain’ and hope to be on time to catch the ‘sunrise’.

Their is this festival in my city for 2 weeks, before i would go outside everyday to enjoy this but now, i never made it their yet in the night. But i will keep trying :). I never thought ,that taking somebody’s energy is taking so much away! I know i have to be patient and that this don’t less forever but that don’ t means i can’t think it s*cks because i never chose to have this stupid cancer! People sometimes say, it is normal you are tired now and that you have to save energy but sometimes i think, it is not because it is not ‘normal’ that i get chemo, and that i have to think where i will spend my energy of the day to, and that i have cancer.

I was really happy, living the life after getting sick in the past! I still sometimes don’t understand how this can happen and just want to become ‘ me’ again, i think before i even had sometimes to much energy. It will take me a while i guess before i will accept to live with this but it will not keep me away from living again. I met another girl this week, who lives around Ghent and also has cancer. Apparently only 2% of people with cancer are young adults, so not that much i think. It was nice to talk once with somebody who knows how it feels to have cancer. It feels like we are a community, people with cancer, the only difference with other onces is, we didn’t choose to go in it.

I also have many side effects now. When i walk i sometimes think some flies are sitting on my legg but it is the strange feeling you get from the products, the same in my fingers.

I wake up at night almost every day because my nose start bleeding and hurts inside. Yesterday my belly hurted a lot and i have a lot of headach because i am always tired. Sometimes my hearing is also not that strong but this always comes and goes.

I can also feel very nausious, i can still eat but always smaller portions because otherwise i feel to sick. I think my tast changed, i drink a lot of drinks with lime for the moment. Another things, as a girl i stoped having my periods, from the beginning of my chemo, it is like i got in the menopause for the moment, i also can have hot flashes and i guess i have moodswings from time to time.

At 12.30 i finished my mission of today, vacuum cleaning my house. I did it but my muscles hurt.

After chemo i always love eating everything sweet. I never thought about that but the girl i met the other day, told me it are the cortisonepills that makes you get gravings.

My eyes are crying sometimes to. And of course, the chemo brain, it makes me forget so much and i walk around confused sometimes. The last one i don’t really care, the more i forget the less worries i have ;).

I also want to go travel a bit after my last chemo. I will have 3 weeks to recover before my new operation, my doctor said she can make it 4. So the first thing that came in my mind was ‘travelling’. Normally ,i never think to long before booking a flight ticket. But this time it felt different, because i like travelling alone and i am always very exited but i don’t know yet how i will feel after my last chemo. Infect i know already i will be weak and tired. It is getting hard already now, i can’t do to much anymore so i might be very tired and i guess the weeks off i have are for a reason, to recover. But i don’t want to let that cancer take over my life so i decided and booked, i go anyway and i will see what happens. Worst case i will be so exhausted that i will stay a lot in my room but at least i will not regret trying. Also i am sure Cuban people are amazing and if something happens they will help me.

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