Week off

This week is my week without chemo. Time to recover😁. Because travelling helps me to keep positive and gives in a kind of way positive energy to my mind, my friend and i plannend a short trip to France. To a lake called lac d’ annecy. It is for 3 days, short, but i can’t longer😬. After doing some other of this short trips during chemo, i know that i am to energetic and enthusiastic when i travel and that takes a lot of energy so i better don’t go for to long.It was like with my other trips, i can’t keep my energy and save it for all off the days. I gived everything the first two days and the last one i was exhausted. But it was worth it. It is an amazing place! We rented bicycles, electrical ones, to go around the lake.I can enjoy so much of things like this! The landscapes, feeling the wind, the sun, smelling nature, picnic,..and all of this with great company! But now i feel like always when i want to enjoy, i need to give something back, for example if i do a lot, after i need twice as much rest. But i can’t enjoy, sleeping next to the lake when i know there is so much to see. Even i already feel limited now, we took an electrical bike to make it less hard, there were hiking places but i can’t do hiking now, no paragliding. But that is ok i can do all of this later. I was also thinking sometimes, it doesn’t has to be always easy for my friend because i know she feels a bit worried about me but she also does not always want to ask me if I am ok. But we talked about that and that i would tell when it is to much, she was a great travelbudy for that 😊. That is also on of the reasons why i write the blog, because people are sometimes careful with what to say or they don’t know how to be with me, so if i write how i experience this ,maybe it will help other people also in one way, to understand this more.I really enjoyed but at the end it started, and then i remember again i have cancer. My noose is bleeding sometimes and hurts inside, my legs start having this strange feeling, little wounds in my mouth, nails always breaking and this time also became purple, they burst that far that it become very painful now, like like i feel my haertbeat in them😬! my energy just gone tired, big headach, my vains become harder, last week when they putted the infus my vain bursted so they had to retry, now my arm is purple and blue. It’s ok to be tired in a place like that, we just relaxed around the lake, but the thing is, i try to live normal and try to ignore i am sick, on moments like that it don’t work to ignore. Than i can feel a bit frustrated inside because i just want to live my life, healthy without limits. I have no idea if i will have this life ever back. But i will try because that is my life, excited, adventurous. I also always get to see back, on my computer , phone, pictures that reminding me on beautiful moments in my life and on how i was and look liked before and i miss it so much when i see the pics. After beiing in the hospital with the eatingdissorder i learned to be happy, and i realy was! I was enjoying my life so much, they say sometimes, something bad like a sickniss has to happen before you stop beiing busy and realise you don’t enjoy enough. That you look different at things. I feel like i already had that part before, i realised that and changed a lot, and after i was busy beiing happy i guess 🤔…so sometimes i am thinking and i dont understand what more i have to learn. I will need to learn to live with a sickness forever, even, next to the treatments i will get every 3 weeks, i will maybe(hopefully) be ok, but it will be always there somewhere and i will be always under control to prevent tumors and that is something hard for me to accept.another great day in Ghent beforecouchsurfing,i hosted people travelling in my home, met a lot of new friends❤️ To go home from the lake in Annecy we had a flight from Switserland. We stayed in an airbnb in Genève 1 night, to fly b early morning, i talked with the boy from the house, he told me he loved how i look at it ‘having cancer’ and that it is great i keep doing this things, when i thought about that, i thing it is true, i feel lucky that i have this attitude, i think the travelling helped me a lot with that, don’t complain about things, changing plans easily, live from day to day, …We just got home, from waking up at 4 o clock to take the plane. I was wearing a scarf, at the security of the airport they asked me if i could go in a cabinet to take of the scarf to do a security check, i think the woman did not expect the reason i wear a scarf is because i am sick,i found she was quiet formal and after i removed, she looked different and touched my shoulder to say very sweet, have a good flight. Maybe it is my imagination but i think she did not expect me to have no hair anymore. That is why i mostly wear the hair, i don’t want people to feel pity for me or see me different because i am sick. This is a bit double, because on the other side, sometimes it is nice to feel that other people understand ,it is not always easy. Maybe i don’t expect pity, more understanding or something like that.back home, tired but happy, ready to hang in my couch again for a while, with more, new amazing memories❤️

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