Yesterday i had my chemoday. I was lucky that my sweet buddy brought me and picked me up again.
( i also asked here to be part of a little bday movie i made for a friend, this is a picture, part of the movie)
When i arrived they had to put the infuus and take blood to see if my bloodlevels are good. They were, so then they orderd the chemoproduct. This time i didn’t need the other 2 infuses ,only chemotherapie, the other ones i will need to get forever, i got last week together with chemotherapie. But i get them only every 3 weeks.
When they try to put the infuse, i got a bursted vain. My vains become a bit hard after getting so much chemo. Most people get a port-a-cath, it is a port they place under the skin, in an operation, mostly they put this in the chest, this is connected with a tube where they give the chemo in,but for me, we tried to donthe treatment without this. It is working but it is getting a bit more paintfull to put needles, they had to take the infuse out and trie again on my other arm. This time it was ok, i was happy for that because a burst vain can be paintfull. Probably it will be blue tomorrow. But it is not really a big deal.Luckely the sweet nurses makes me forget very fast, i just had a bit pain 😁.
I am very lucky with the nurses in the hospital i go, they are the so sweet and take good care of me. They became part of my weekly routine 😊. (i also asked them to be part of the little bday movie i was making, and this pics are also part of it).
A chemoday don’t has to be a sad day. The night before and in the morning i need to take some medication ‘medrol’. It is with cortisone, this sucks, they have a terrible taste and makes me sleep bad, also i swet a lot and i think they make me have mood changes. The good thing is i think they give this boost that give me energy untill 2 days after chemo. So that makes, i have energy, and i love that 😁.
I watched some serie on netflix while i got chemo and relaxed a little. At the moment they give the chemo i don’t feel anything, maybe only a strange taste in my mouth.
After i went back to Ghent, i had a great afternoon, i went drinking a coffee with my cousine and aunt and enjoyed the sun while walking back home.
After chemo i can never go home and relax. I don’t know if it is the boost, that makes me beeing busy or the thoughts that i just got this poison in my body. Probably a combination.
My oncologe always pass in my room while i am getting chemo to check. She told me i wil have some weeks to recover in august, after my last chemo and my operation. I was happy to hear that but at the same time i just want everything to happen in one time, so it’s finished and i can go. Because when i hear ‘ some weeks off’ i think immidiatly about going to travel. But i know that time, i can not travel like i want. Just go far away, in some stuning nature, hiking! Because maybe i wil be tired and my body wil need to recover so i can’t just take the bus and go take longue busrides, sleep anywhere, and see what happens. Probably i wil need to plan a bit and take it easy. But that is also ok for now 😁.
She also told me it’s time for a heartscan end of july. Because i wil get this therapies every 3 weeks and also i need to do a heartscan every 3 months.
We are wednesday now, i know i am lucky i can go enjoy this beautiful day, but also i start missing a bit ‘doing things’ like i would like to go work a little, or voluntury in prisson. But i am scared if i start that, and i make appointmente with prisoners, they will maybe look forward to this but at this point in my life i can not promise things. Maybe i wil feel bad or very tired and i wil need to cancel, like that i can not be a good employee or volunteer. I need to be patient …
This morning i was thinking about something i learned in some 10 days silent meditation i tried in Thailand in a temple. The master monk told me: you have to suffer before finding hapiness. I left after 3 days because i was thinking, i don’t need to suffer to be happy! But staying in that temple was not my suffering, i think a lot about that now, maybe this is my moment of ‘suffering’ to find my hapiness🤔.(when i still had my phone, before starting mediation, because when it started, no phone, no talking, writing where alowed, also always dressed up in white,…)
I have this things i really want to do in my life, i also already did a lot of them, they are all big things. But while i was doing this things that i had in this list in my head, some other changed.
Like i was travelling and looking where i wanted to start a hostel maybe. But while travelling i slept in hostels, met owners… and i was not sure anymore if i was ready for that because than you have something to take care off. Ideas change, plans change dreams, and that is ok. But it also confuse me sometimes and makes me feel like i don’t really know what i want. At moments like that i stop thinking and i go enjoy the moment 😉. Like i will do now, now am feel ok😁.